to skip over a dating profile which mentions casual sex?

[BigBadJane]

Not really looking at the moment but do check dating profiles - to be honest I can't really be bother with it all any more.

Someone messaged me and I looked at his profile and thought how lovely. Apart from the smoking he sounds like my kind of man, maybe I will give this a shot again. Until I got to the end where he has ticked the options, "Casual Sex" or "LTR."

I'm always polite so responded and said that casual sex is not one of my motivations for advertising on a dating site and refused.

The answer? He hadn't "Realised he'd ticked that box" and he was going to change it.

To me unfair or not, it's been decided. I'm not interested.

So AIBU?

[lizzzyyliveson]

Yeah, you don't tick that box by mistake and they do seem to be polar opposites. He needs to think about what he really wants and then pick one. You've made the right call.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Well, it's up to you to choose who you do and don't want to date, but it doesn't seem so terribly, sinfully unreasonable for a person on a dating site to be interested in both casual sex and a possible long-term relationship. Quite a lot of people enjoy casual sex but would quite like to be in an LTR if the right person comes along.

Be careful you don't turn into one of those desperate OLD losers who thinks that the minute you've exchanged more than two messages with someone they must take down their profile at once because they are now Your Partner.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I'm with SGB on this. Unless you think casual sex is sinful/immoral I don't think it's a problem, even if it's not for you.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

I think if you are totally, 100% against sex unless it's part of a relationship, you are not being unreasonable.

However, I wouldn't automatically ruled someone out who had ticked such an option. I have been single four years. I tried online dating and it didn't work for me at all. Would I like a relationship? More than anything. But after all this time single, I wouldn't mind something a bit more casual rather than continue feeling an asexual being. Now, I wouldn't necessarily want a one-night stand, but something casual without it getting heavy as an interim thing? Quite possibly. It doesn't mean someone is necessarily shagging a different person every night.

[BigBadJane]

SolidGoldBrass I do know what you are saying, and don't think messaging or even a couple of drinks or coffee dates mean that I am in a relationship :0) I've met a few men like that and they are very tedious.

I don't mind multi dating but not bed hopping. When I was younger I... to put it politely flew my flag high, but I don't want to do that now. I'm not judging anyone who does, but I'm not interested.

Realistically many men who are not in a relationship (or even in one) will take casual sex if it is offered, so will many women.

Probably better to be honest and upfront.

[BigBadJane]

NotNewButNameChanged

..."It doesn't mean someone is necessarily shagging a different person every night."

You could be right on that, point taken.

[HellonHeels]

I'd be more concerned about the smoking, I think.

I can't see a problem with enjoying more casual relationships while still ultimately wanting to have a LTR. However if casual sex is a moral or emotional issue for you, you're best off leaving this one alone.

[Elfhame]

He probably wants a long term relationship but will have casual sex until he finds it.

[shakethetree]

YANBU - casual sex is a bit grim IMO, especially if you're over about 25.

[shakethetree]

More concerned about the smoking? Lolz - smoking won't give you herpes or syphillis.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

shake - one person's view of casual sex isn't necessarily the same as someone else's.

[FraidyCat]

I don't see why him being open to both should mean he should be crossed off by someone who only wants one or the other. If it were a foregone conclusion that a person can only be interest in one or the other then the site wouldn't allow you to tick both.

[HazleNutt]

What others have said - perfectly normal to want a LTR with the right person, but be open to STR, casual R, casual sex etc while looking for that right person.

I don't think I could date a smoker though.

[LastTango]

casual sex is a bit grim IMO, especially if you're over about 25.

What the fuck???????????

[RiverTam]

casual sex is a bit grim IMO, especially if you're over about 25

oh dear, I had loads of casual sex in my late 20s after I split from partner of 8 years. How very dare I!

[Flipflops7]

A lot of people find casual sex grim, it's not being judgey, just another opinion on sex. I know I would find it grim.

OP, YANBU if that is not your motivation or interest.

[TattyDevine]

It wouldn't necessarily turn me off - the key thing is that you do not have casual sex with him, and that you don't have sex with him until you (think) you know where you stand, and if that doesn't turn out to be true (which can happen in any coupling) you stand by your priciples.

That said if even ticking the box makes you feel icky, he's not the bloke for you.

Its a bit of a minefield out there the online dating thing - you really have to stick to your guns in what you want and what you wont do, including pictures. I hate the pictures thing (I am married 15 years but hear about it) - if someone wants to see you naked, they should do so in person (for me anyway) after some form of acceptable-to-you relationship is established. I know I sound like an old prude and really I am not as such but hell.

[daisychain01]

OLD has become increasingly like a cattle-market and it must be so difficult to sift the wheat from the chaff so to speak. My OH and I met through on-line dating several years ago, and the landscape has shifted massively, loads more naked photos, pics of men and their penis, that didnt happen to me once (haha, dont say " you're just jealous) , but I would have thought twice if a man ticked that casual sex box, it just shows their mindset.

OK, so some people might say, its fine to tick boxes like casual sex because

..."It doesn't mean someone is necessarily shagging a different person every night"

But then people come on MN all the time with fidelity issues because their man don't value sex, or treat it with the respect it deserves as part of a close personal relationship with someone they care about. Its just, well.... casual.

The mindset and attitude to sex speaks volumes, bigbadjane YADNBU, so stick by the standards you feel are right for you, there are plenty of people who think the same way! And many men place value on fidelity and commitment.

[daisychain01]

... their man doesn't value sex ...

[HellonHeels]

For those who objected to my preference for casual sexers over smokers, casual sex doesn't equate to unprotected sex.

[TiggyD]

I think sex should be a very formal occasion, like a formal dinner. Any sex toys should be arranged in order on the bedside table ranging from feather duster to dildo, ending with obligatory penis beaker. Any requests for a certain act should be via a telegram to the other party/parties involved. And finally the whole unpleasant squelchy business should end in a handshake and a thank you letter the next day.

[daisychain01]

...and the man should have a little frilly doily round his willy, and must do The Grand Unveiling.

Sort of.... Tadaaaaaaaaa!

[something2say]

....and will there be any nipple tassels? Coming in from sideways, sort of dancing...?

[ChelsyHandy]

YANBU there is something of a whiff of sleazieness about a grown man advertising for casual sex on the internet. Surely something you move on from once your student years are passed.

But some people's personal boundaries are set differently. Not sure why you would go tge bother if OD dating just to have casual sex though.