Hi, I am new to this site so here goes...parenting my sons when they were younger was a dodder compared to now...aged 20 and 16, I am really struggling with 'letting go'. My eldest is at uni and home for the summer having just completed first year...he says he has no independence at home and feels smothered..I don't know what I am doing wrong..he goes out when he wants and comes in when he wants. I ask general questions like where and who with mainly out of interest, he has the same friends from school days and I like asking how they are doing too. He says he wants to be left alone and feels pressured to be involved in family stuff..my younger son picks up on it and is beginning to behave similarly. I do think I am a bit too mumsy and smother them ..how can I learn to cut those apron strings and for us all to be happy..
AIBU?
I'm not looking forward to that stage at all, OP. You have all my sympathy.
It isn't all that long since I was at your son's stage. I remember feeling irrationally irritable about being asked what my plans were or how various people were doing or where I'd been. I didn't mind volunteering the odd bit of info here and there but I hated feeling forced into it. I've noticed that children seem to break away in their early twenties and then return with a new appreciation of family life when they've grown up a bit. IMO, all you can do (if you want him to stop complaining) is not ask questions, not go into his bedroom, not wash his stuff or criticise/comment on any aspect of his life, not expect family traditions to be carried on. You can still have house rules, but just what you'd expect of a lodger. That's if you want to 'let go' in the way that he wants you to. Personally, I don't think you have much of a choice because grown-up children simply move out and return as often or as little as they feel like. As adults, we all naturally gravitate towards people who respect our boundaries...because it makes us feel relaxed and accepted I suppose. But 
for you OP, it must hurt like hell.
Agree with all the above advice.
My theory is that when you are young your life is very 'small' and there isn't much that you have complete control over at all. While still in FT education (even if it's by choice, ie: uni) even your time is managed and constrained by 'the system' as it has been since you were 5.
I clearly remember adopting the attitude: 'my thoughts and feelings are my business' as a teen. It's just a way of grasping at independence.
(I was married, mortgaged and had 3 DDs by the time i was in my 20s - independence and responsibility by the bucketload within 5 short years. I was shell shocked till my 30s 
)
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