To be annoyed by my friend's attitude?

(160 Posts)
LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:28:09

Apologies in advance for the hundredth wedding post!

So, we're going to a wedding soon. In total there are 7 of us, 5 are friends to the bride and groom and two of us are plus ones as partners to the invited. We're giving money as a gift (yes yes, I know, but this isn't a post about money vs gift). Anyway, we were working out how much money to give and we all decided £15 per person would be good but that the couples would each pay a little more (£20). So the 3 single invitees would each pay £15 and the two couples would pay £20 per couple.

It's important to note here that the 3 single friends aren't actually single, their OHs just can't make it to the wedding. Also, both myself and the other plus one aren't close friends of the B&G, I think they're lovely people but it's just that I've only met them twice before.

Just before sealing the envelope single friend A says she doesn't think it's fair she's paying £15 whereas me and my DP (and the other couple) are effectively paying £10 each, so she and single friend B decide to form a 'couple' and pay £20 together. Not only does this leave the third single friend C out it's also not really the point - the reason the couples are paying more is because there are 2 in a couple but the reason we're only paying a bit more is because we're only plus ones rather than life long school friends!

So... AIBU to be a bit upset at friend A?

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 31-Jul-14 07:24:42

Also, I think disposable income should usually be taken into account if there's a significant diffence. So if one couples rolling in it (comparatively) in my circle, that couple might make the amount up to something nice and round.

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 31-Jul-14 07:23:30

If the gift is from a group of seven individuals then the amount put in should be evenly divided by seven, surely.
But if the names of the "single" guests' partners are included, the amount should be evenly split between each couple. Especially if the other halves were invited.

Jinsei Wed 30-Jul-14 23:16:05

*I am honestly quite shocked by the prevailing attitude that money gifts are like tickets to the wedding."

Yes, I'm shocked by this too. Surely the bride and groom invite people to their wedding because they want those people to share their special day. Those who attend do so as guests of the happy couple, and the cost of their "places" must be figured into the total wedding budget.

There should be no expectation of gifts - the presence of loved ones should be enough. However, if friends and family choose to buy gifts or present money, that is entirely at their discretion. There can be no question in my mind of purchasing your place at the wedding with a gift/donation. What a horrible idea! If people want to sell tickets, the price should be clearly indicated on the invitation. hmm

I generally give gifts even when I cannot attend. If I did attend, I wouldn't think to spend more because DH was invited too. Regardless of who attends, any gifts would be from me and my family. As such, I don't think the single friends should put in any less than the couples.

Essel Wed 30-Jul-14 22:53:20

YABU -

I dont get at all why couples would get a discount and £15 / £20 seems really, really stingy to me. Are you all students?

Laquitar Wed 30-Jul-14 22:23:36

I bet all the posters who are planning a wedding will frantically try to befriend few Irish!!

OP you all sound mean to me.

A mcdonalds meal will cost you more!

Happy36 Wed 30-Jul-14 19:23:40

Seranade Yes, and gifts (be they from a list, cash or anything else) are at the guests' discretion, as if you were going to any other kind of party and in the same way the host doesn't necessarily expect them.

In some other cultures, however, a cash donation to cover the wedding costs is expected by host and guest as a big, lavish affair is laid on and guests are happy to contribute as it's a beautiful and fun occasion for all but the cultural belief is that the young couple shouldn't have to pay for it themselves.

Two different cultures - not to be compared or combined

Seranade Wed 30-Jul-14 19:13:53

surely the couple/parents budget for a wedding they can afford to pay for even if none gives them any gifts? Don't they?

Seranade Wed 30-Jul-14 19:11:49

Rejoined mumsnet after the password issues for this thread - I am honestly quite shocked by the prevailing attitude that money gifts are like tickets to the wedding.

Maybe I am old fashioned but in my mind they are gifts to be put towards something else and I totally agree with the OP that plus ones would give less and that the fact that the people going to the wedding having partners that can't come too should be a factor. Maybe £15 from each of the proper friends and £5 from each of the partners going or not?

I have just sent a monetary gift to a wedding I couldn't attend and don't think I usually pay enough for my place if I do go (stingy).

I think the only solution is for each person/couple to do their own card and contribution separately to save arguments as I am obviously in the minority here with Lifesabeach.

lostlalaloopsy Wed 30-Jul-14 18:36:34

Maybe you should all give individual gifts?

Are you going to the whole thing? If you are £15 is really miserable! I usually give £80 for the whole day, actually I usually give about £30 just for the evening.

EthicalPickle Wed 30-Jul-14 18:31:35

It's true that wedding gifts are not 'tickets' but I agree with the PP who said I would take more than a £10's worth to a friends house if they invited me to a nice meal. I'd take a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine.

EthicalPickle Wed 30-Jul-14 18:29:07

You are definitely doing it in a weird way confused

I think you should all do your own thing with the cash. It does seem like a small amount [small]. I hope it's a pay bar wink

Leaving one person to pay £15 seems very unfair.

I really, really don't get your reasoning that because you are a plus one you see it that your DP is paying £15 and you are paying £5.

silveroldie2 Wed 30-Jul-14 18:28:09

There was a distinct lack of the word 'pantomime' ChanelNumber19. Tut, do try better next time grin

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 18:16:45

I don't think I used the word pantomime enough there blush morto! are yiz scarleh for me

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 18:15:49

silveroldie, I've found english and irish people to show equal amounts of generosity to the people they care about. The charade at the bar is often a pointless pantomime as there's an expectation that your drink will be paid for later. I am not as bad as your old acquaintance but I always opt out of rounds if I'm with a work crew (and as far as I know I'm not slagged off for doing this). Irish women often make a song and dance out of 'let me pay!', "no no no it's my turn", "No I insist, you paid for the PARKING", but between good friends, it all levels out in the end. So, it's a harmless pantomime in my opinion providing you don't have a friend like the betty's tea shop lady !!! and then people do quit the pantomime quickly enough! It takes two people and they both need to play their part for the pantomime to be successful and for everything to even out in the end! But you get one mean person and that person's friends and acquaintances won't play their part next time round.

So IN REAL TERMS at the end of the day as dublin taxi drivers would say, the english are just as generous in my opinion.

flipchart Wed 30-Jul-14 16:44:33

Jesus £85 quid between 7 of you and there's quibbling!
Tight fuckers!!

missingwordsround Wed 30-Jul-14 16:38:12

YABU to expect everyone to not all pay the same, as this isn't a competition about how well you know the couple - you are all equally attending and eating, drinking and partying, I assume?

Personally, I think if you have accepted an invite, and someone else is paying for your food and entertainment for the whole day, it is good manners to take a token gift. FFS I take a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers or similar to a dinner party or beers/wine to a BBQ....

(£10 seems very tight for a wedding contribution to me --and I'm not even irish !!--)



we said no gifts at our wedding to try and avoid all this shit grin

silveroldie2 Wed 30-Jul-14 16:18:05

I don't understand why the couples pay less than a single person - that would piss me off a lot, not that I would be happy being associated with giving a gift of £75(?) from 7 people shock.

Serenitysutton
"I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish"

Not only insulting but untrue. I'm guessing you don't know the irish woman I once knew who would have sold her Mother's soul not to buy a round of drinks. We visited a Betty's cafe once when in Yorkshire and she wouldn't split the bill, preferring to only pay for what she ordered because what I ordered cost 22p more than hers. Now THAT's tight. Based on my experience WIBU to say that all irish are tight? Of course I would be.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 30-Jul-14 15:50:09

Happy

It seems a really sad tradition. Like I said - I got married very young. If my friends had had to "pay their way" at our wedding I would have had no friends there. sad

CheerfulYank Wed 30-Jul-14 15:40:45

I'd have been horrified if someone had declined my wedding invitation because they couldn't afford a gift! shock

The gifts were lovely but I invited people I really wanted to join us on that day. Their attendance was the important thing.

Expecting a gift, how rude!

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 15:04:38

I agree with PPs, I'm embarrassed on behalf of the poster who calls British people mean. Some of the Irish generosity is not sensible, or even real and there is a stereotype, the ludicrous pantomine where people prove their generosity racing to the bar, even if their children have no pencils.

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 15:02:09

Sorry, not everybody and not every socio economic group in Ireland trips itself up in knots to give the right amount, whatever that might be. I guess I'd see it as sensible and frugal, also, big gifts can embarrass the recipient! Really! that is how my family sees it! we don't like to embarrass others by being too generous.

I've lived in both countries. My parents might be 70 but they'd be appalled by modern wedding lists and an outright request for cash. My brother sometimes gives me money for my birthday and calls it universal vouchers grin but I've never felt any embarrassment at all handing over a small quirky gift.

None of my relatives have judged me for not giving them 200 euro when they got married, I'm sure of that.

MsAspreyDiamonds Wed 30-Jul-14 14:57:53

Posted too soon. If you are giving as a group then gift contribution should be per head. There shouldnt be a discount for being in a couple which is why I think �10 is fairer.

MsAspreyDiamonds Wed 30-Jul-14 14:54:33

�10 per head & that is the end of the discussion. B&G will be paying the meals per head so the cash gift should be given on a per head basis.

Happy36 Wed 30-Jul-14 14:39:59

Mumoftwoyoungkids I don't know about Ireland but in Spain people, including us, decline wedding invitations if you can't afford to pay the expected gift contribution.

In Spain, Germany and pethaps other countries, the idea is that each guest "pays his way" and therefore gives adequate cash to reimburse the bride and groom for what they have fed and watered him with. This way the guests can celebrate and enjoy seeing their relative or friend get married without leaving the young couple out of pocket when they will be going on to have a family of their own, buy a house, etc.

It's just a different tradition and doesn't equate to the UK cash or vouchers wedding gift as an alternative to a toaster, etc.

If we go to a UK wedding we get a gift from the list for 80-100 pounds. If we go to a Spanish wedding we give 400-500� in cash for our family. In both cases we are following tradition and they are not really comparable.

EarthWindFire Wed 30-Jul-14 14:29:43

I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish

How rude and condescending!!!

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