ive just exploded at DH

(40 Posts)
PancakesAndMapleSyrup Sun 27-Jul-14 21:55:43

Bit of background, Dh is a wonderful father very hands on to 6 and 3 year old. He does do things around the house if asked e.g. washing up butalways needs to be prompted. Diy etc the will start but wil take weeks/months of nagging to finish it off. He also isnt career minded and does not earn muchbut works full time, i am the main wage earner on a modest salary under 30k per annum. He is not great at budgeting and i pay all the bills etc and he gives me a proportion towards these but not much as he dosent earn it. He also continoulsy needs £20 here and there petrol to get to work etc which ive always obliged as we are trying to make a living etc All this has been slowly eating away at me last weekend i started an argument re these bits and miracoulsy theywere all done and dusted and he has beennsucking up to me which he knows i dislike.

Anyway 3 and a half weeks ago i had a large spinal surgery. Not really thinking i agreed to do a cricket tea for his sunday team today. My DM had the children all day and has them overnight to allow me to do this. I have spent all bloody day busting my guts cooking, i took it to the club, washed up afterwards and then went jome and spent a further 3 hours cleaning the kitchen (everything takes me ages, and im on high doses of morphine). He had told me earlier that we would go to the pub afterwards when he had finished. I was looking forward to it as due to the dcs i havent been out for a while. So 9pm comes and goes and its too dark for cricket. So i drove to the pub (really shouldnt) which is a 2/3 min drive away. To find him sitting there having a jolly. He has spent £10 of the reimbursed cricket tea which i have spent. I went mad at him. Basically saying that i had busted a gut all fucking day he was sitting there drinking money that i need to buy the weekly shop, he said that his phone was off and had run out of batter. He couldnt be arsed to come and pick me up to go to the pub. He had been there for an hour already!!!.

I feel completly cunted off.

I went home packed his clothes and returned them to him outside the pub. (It makes me sound unhinged im not really but i feel so completly shat upon) and told him i was done with our relationship.

Urgh vent over (but still shaking and a bit tearful tbh)

startwig1982 Sun 27-Jul-14 21:59:32

Poor you. He sounds difficult and you're suffering. No real words of wisdom but I'd give it a day or two to cool down and rethink chucking him out.
If he's a great dad and does things most if the time maybe it was more of a one off him being an arse.

Chippednailvarnish Sun 27-Jul-14 22:01:54

Mmmm, he sounds inconsiderate to the extreme. I'm not sure I could put up with it.

Preciousbane Sun 27-Jul-14 22:02:50

You are recovering from major surgery and did the cricket tea and then he just left you knowing that you were looking forward to a drink.

He sounds bloody selfish op and I hope you feel better soon.

magoria Sun 27-Jul-14 22:03:15

I can't blame you.

You spent all day doing stuff for him, he can't even be bothered to come and get you to take to the pub and spends money you need to live next week.

Very selfish.

plentyofpipecleaners Sun 27-Jul-14 22:04:38

YANBU to be annoyed tonight - what was his reaction when you turned up at the pub?

Your relationship does sound a little more parent and child, than 2 equals, but that nay be the wrong impression just based on what you wrote. Tbh, I would have not agreed to the tea, or would have gone back on it due to my injury in your place. it sounds as if things have been building up for a while, and this tipped you over the edge.

Hope you are ok - you need to think about what you want to do long-term.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 27-Jul-14 22:06:32

I am right behind you - and totally agree that you should feel cunted off [great phrase].

How fucking selfish. I'm fuming for you.

He sounds like a fucking tosser sad

Has he always been this selfish?

hesterton Sun 27-Jul-14 22:10:23

Oh God, cricket teas. Why the fuck do women make them, watch the men sit around eating them and then wash them up?

They are enough to make any sane women explode even without the pain and back surgery.

He had better have a very strong apology of action as well as words for you.

Frontier Sun 27-Jul-14 22:11:32

I doubt delivering his clothes to the pub was the best way to deal with it but I don't blame you at all.

TBH, on realising that the tea was so close to your surgery and that you would still be on strong drugs I think he should have made your excuses and found someone else to do it this time - then stayed home from the cricket himself.

How did he react to the clothes?

backbystealth Sun 27-Jul-14 22:11:43

I'd be fuming too. Absolutely fuming. I guess if he apologised from the bottom of his heart and realised you need more support (and gratitude) this is salvageable. Otherwise, I'm not sure. It's not something you can really let go of is it?

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

5Foot5 Sun 27-Jul-14 22:13:12

I don't think you sound at all unhinged, just justifiably angry at the way he has taken advantage of you so thoughtlessly. Maybe throwing him out permanently would be a bit drastic but, with luck, your blow up will give him food for thought.

When you have had time to stop feeling so upset it would be advisable to re-think and re-negotiate your financial arrangements. You say you pay all the bills and he gives you some towards it. But how much of his salary does he keep for his own personal use?

Perhaps you should agree that all the money is pooled and then work out a more complete budget that includes necessities like petrol for the car so he can get to work etc. After the necessities and savings you then each agree an amount for personal spends. If he exceeds his amount then tough.

Oh and a tough talk is definitely needed about him doing an equal share of housework.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 27-Jul-14 22:13:28

OP I don't blame you either, he is selfish and totally inconsiderate.
You have been through a lot by the sounds of it, has he given you any support at all?

Frontier Sun 27-Jul-14 22:13:43

Yes hesterton, I was trying to ignore the ridiculousness of the cricket tea. Actually I had no idea it still happened in quite that way. Surely most active players are under 40 and presumably their wives the same. How does that still happen?

Purplecircle Sun 27-Jul-14 22:13:43

YANBU. He's behaving like a child. You are not his mother
He needs to grow up

Humansatnav Sun 27-Jul-14 22:15:29

I don't blame you op, sometimes you need to draw a line in the sand.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup Sun 27-Jul-14 22:51:59

Thanks for all your replies, he came home after about 20 mins full of apollgetic bullshit, im sorry, i didnt realise, i didntthink blah blah blah. I have said i need space for a few days and he dosent knkw what tomdo with himself. One poster hit the nail on the head saying it feels more like a parent child relationship. Yes i feel like this too. No he isnt normally selfish by anymeans but does not think. Well at least not like me. Nkt sire regarding the reaction about the clothes again not sure of what to do. Tried to sit in the car and i wasnt having any of it really i swore blue muder at him. I dont know....i love him very much but i want old fashiondly to be looked after, be able to stay at home with the kids etc and with no rocket up his arse to progress thats unlikley and i think i do resent him for this and its just becoming more and more apparent.the old adage...if money was no object id have no issue (bar the pub, thats just shitty)

PancakesAndMapleSyrup Sun 27-Jul-14 22:53:36

Excuse the typos mn, naturellement!

Chippednailvarnish Sun 27-Jul-14 22:54:40

No he isnt normally selfish by anymeans but does not think

Not thinking about someone who has just had spinal surgery is selfish! Can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life like this?

Icimoi Sun 27-Jul-14 22:57:17

Did you ask him to help at all with the tea? Given your medical condition I would have thought that he could at least have taken it to the club and come back to help lean the kitchen.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 27-Jul-14 23:02:10

If you have just had spinal surgery, you should not have to ask for help, and he should not need telling that you were in pain, nor not to spend your hard earned cash!

I'd tell him he needs to sort himself out or don't bother coming home again.

Fairylea Sun 27-Jul-14 23:04:35

Your whole relationship sounds very unequal to me. Starting with financially - why aren't finances more shared? You say he can't contribute much as he doesn't earn it. So are you both contributing the same proportion of your wages and ending up with equal spending money? That would be a fair starting point.

He should be waiting on you hand and foot whilst you are recovering from surgery (as I would do with my dh in the same position).

Mintyy Sun 27-Jul-14 23:06:26

If he is a wonderful father, not normally selfish etc, then don't kick him out over this. That is childish and if you haven't been unhappy for years then not worth ending your relationship over.

By all means be furious with him and have a huge row. But it is not enough, on its own, to divorce or split over.

AnonyMust Sun 27-Jul-14 23:17:20

I had spinal surgery almost six months ago. Well done, you crazy loon. I couldn't have made a tea but had family over one weekend when is just cowl out of hospital. Shattered me. Drugs made my emotions very intense and I was not quite myself. At all!
I think he (and you) need to take stock of what's a reasonable amount of 'stuff' for you to do. Hope this bikes across as caring and not patronising. It's not meant to be. I was back working within three weeks. Helped me in a way as took my mind off the horror of it all but what a loon I was!

PancakesAndMapleSyrup Mon 28-Jul-14 09:51:05

It was me who hates going back on things and tbh i thought saugsage rolls, chicken, pzza sandwiches i can do that no issue. I didnt think itwoud take me all day and be so hard!. He did help out all morning with the house etcand he did stay at home away from cricket the last 2 weeks it was me who said go. I can move around just get tired and he helped me when at the club as i couldnnt lift the tea pot for example he did this. I just feel hurt, i did end up sobbing kast night.he said he didnt come to get me as he thought i would be exhausted etc and i pointed out that i was crippeled and exhausted but had purpousfully stayed upand waited so just felt forgotton. And then due to being so phyically exhausted i sobbed and sobbed. Financially he gives me as much as he can, it is open he does not have much spare cash at all proportinally its the same between us but its stressfull aranging everything.we did have a good chat and i dont think he realised how i felt about stuff and how much resentment i was harbouring.i am exhausted today,he has gone to work and my mum will bring the kids backlater. I even said to my mum the other week that its difficult to judge someones pain when you cant actually see the injury etc. Lets see how the next week or so pans out but he realises how hurt i am re yestdrday and the catalyst it was for everything else.

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