To think kids don't affect your life to the extent that you can't leave the house ever.

(62 Posts)
McBear Sun 27-Jul-14 19:26:07

So yesterday was my birthday outing. to a pub to drink but outing sounds civilised I told my friend months in advance. She promised she'd get someone to look after her two DC and her and her partner would come out with me and DDs DF who are still good friends.

When it came to a week before she said, I'll see if I can get the money. The day before, they have no money. On the day she asks me what I'm doing and says she can't leave the house as she has DC.

She says she simply cannot leave the house and look after 2 DC. This is always her excuse. I tell her I'll look after one/both and she says no. Then, she won't let her partner socialise because she 'cant'.

I don't think kids are a reason to not go out. She won't go to the park with them. She won't Do anything.

Her eldest (2.75) says two words. No and door. Because she always says no and shouts door when someone knocks because she's too lazy to get up.

Kids are stressful yes but not to the point where you are housebound???

She does like me, it's honestly not an excuse to get out of seeing me. I hate to say it but I feel sorry for their children. hmm

McBear Sun 27-Jul-14 19:27:15

When I say pub I mean family friendly grin

Have you considered agoraphobia/PND?

DiaDuit Sun 27-Jul-14 19:29:35

Goodness she sounds as if she's going through something. Maybe depression or anxiety. Do you not think it sounds that way?

hallamoo Sun 27-Jul-14 19:30:36

She sounds depressed. If her eldest is 2.75 yrs, her youngest must be quite young.

Can you talk to her? Offer her some support, offer to go to the Dr's with her? Look after the kids to give her a break?

What does her partner think?

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jul-14 19:31:35

She's obviously got something going on that's not right

Perhaps a little empathy as her friend, might go a long way?

micah Sun 27-Jul-14 19:31:39

Agrophobia? Depression? Genuinely no money?

Suggest she have a chat to someone like HV, GP? Gently suggest you think her DS might need a speech therapist and she should get the HV out just to check before they start school- at least it will get someone round.

Short of calling SS- it sounds like she might need some sort of help...

FairlyUseless Sun 27-Jul-14 19:31:51

I agree. Sounds like perhaps she is having a tough time. Maybe try chatting to her?

Vitalstatistix Sun 27-Jul-14 19:32:25

No, kids generally don't make you housebound. But an individual can be struggling to the extent that they personally are or feel they are.

Maybe they have money worries they don't want to confide. Perhaps she has a problem that she doesn't want to or can't tell you about and she's using the kids as an excuse.

Are you sure she's lazy and not depressed?

Erm, I was your friend... I still a your friend I think. I have 4 dc, aged from 6yrs to 3 months. I have never willingly taken them out without my DH, not even to the doctors. I have a mental illness (a few actually) and I cant do it. Very few of my friends knew what was wrong, I appeared to be a really useless mother no doubt before I explained fully... which took until the eldest was about 3 for me to actually do.

Not many people will actually lock themselves away like that without good reason. I now go out without my DH, but I still cant take the DC anywhere without him. Its horrible feeling so trapped.

Fairylea Sun 27-Jul-14 19:34:51

We never go out because we have no one we trust to look after the dc and we wouldn't pay someone (couldn't afford it anyway).

But not even going out WITH the dc to the park etc shows something is seriously wrong - sounds like depression and agoraphobia to me.

sewingandcakes Sun 27-Jul-14 19:35:34

I think she may be depressed too; I felt this way and I still struggle to go outside at times, especially to busy places.

BikeRunSki Sun 27-Jul-14 19:35:46

Does she leave the house with her dc at all?

SevenZarkSeven Sun 27-Jul-14 19:35:54

Sounds like PND or similar. Depression / anxiety. It's common enough and your description fits.

weegiemum Sun 27-Jul-14 19:38:54

Could have been me when dc that age. I'd raging pnd. Couldn't go out, it was awful.

McBear Sun 27-Jul-14 19:40:55

I have offered her all the support I can from the distance away that I live (1 hours drive)

She's a SAHM and I think that she gets cabin fever but she refuses to leave the house. When it was her birthday, I asked what she had planned. She wasn't sure but she definitely wanted to do something. Me and x were DPs at the time and we suggested everything in that area and reasonable distance to do. She said no to all. Thinking that getting out could be hard for her etc etc I suggested a quiet night and a takeaway. I'd put the kids to bed etc anything to help and she said that wasn't good enough. We were at a loss.

Her youngest is 7 months. What started as 'we are trying for a baby' turned into 'I should have been more careful. Such a bad accident' when she was six months pregnant and now 'I wish we hadn't had her, I'm too stressed' obviously this rings alarm bells and I am there for her always and I do suspect pnd. She refuses to see anyone. Sometimes uses it as an excuse to get out if things, sometimes denies any possibility that she could have it.

She used this excuse when she only had one tho so nothing has changed, as such, by the introduction of her second.

carlywurly Sun 27-Jul-14 19:41:16

I'd also be concerned if her child genuinely only has 2 words at that age, there may be some issues she's dealing with there also.

When ds was small and showing signs of asd, there were times I didn't always fancy going out and socialising.

Massive leap there, I know, but you never really know what's going on with other people. My friends didn't know with me.

McBear Sun 27-Jul-14 19:43:47

This is with her DP tho. We've never gone anywhere just the two of us. It's always been as a foursome. Her DP and my ex are lifelong friends.

She is a very lazy person tho, never had a job. Refuses to work etc etc.

Don't get me wrong I feel for her but the longer this goes on (and I say this from knowing her and not from being unsympathetic to her plight) I do think it's her personality and not pnd/depression.

Laquitar Sun 27-Jul-14 19:45:07

I was thinking depression and agoraphobia too.

The door thing can be anxiety and/or debt collectors?

SevenZarkSeven Sun 27-Jul-14 19:45:26

I think that words like excuse and lazy are unhelpful ones here TBH.

I mean you know her best but if you suspect she is ill then that's most likely what is going on.

Trying to get her out or being kind of full-on about coming round might freak her out. Can you just talk to her on the phone and drop the whole meeting up thing for a while, it's obvious she doesn't want to. Maybe then you can get her to talk a bit about what's going on and see if you can offer support / gently suggest seeing someone maybe if that feels OK.

Thing is there can be a reluctance to seek help when there are small children due to fear of what might happen, the whole thing is a bit of a minefield.

McBear Sun 27-Jul-14 19:46:33

Her DS is very very boisterous and has anger issues. It's actually very stressful as he seems to have started being a bit violent towards my DD the last few occasions.

The HV has now put him through for speech therapy but her response is 'I'm not worried, they're paid to find stuff wrong with your DC aren't they'

SevenZarkSeven Sun 27-Jul-14 19:47:12

Oh xposts well then you know her not us and if she's lazy then she's lazy.

If it's her personality not to meet up then you're not going to change her. So not sure what the answer is. You just sort of think she should go along with your ideas and get a bit irritated when she keeps turning you down?

DiaDuit Sun 27-Jul-14 19:48:58

Do you like her?

McBear Sun 27-Jul-14 19:51:32

This is a new thing with her DS tho. I believe it is his response to her behaviour with him.

She will take both the kids to town to go shopping easily or of she fancies a meal, no problem.

She had previously, many a time, called her DPs parents and ordered them to go to the shop and buy baby wipes as she can't get there with two kids. She has then blamed them when her DD got a sore bum from having to sit in a poo. She didn't think toilet roll etc would do.

Like I say, at first I thought pnd. Now I don't. She just wants her way or nothing.

thornrose Sun 27-Jul-14 19:52:51

If her ds has some kind of undiagnosed SN then that could be the reason. You daren't leave your dc with anyone and you can get very anxious and retreat into yourself. I know I did!

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