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Husband completely ignores house rules at the weekend!

(156 Posts)
MyPantsAreGreen Sun 27-Jul-14 13:20:35

I am by no means an OCD but there are certain things round the house that me and the children do to make life easier and run more smoothly. Simple things like not leaving bags and shoes dumped by the front door so I can get the pram in an out, not having drinks on the drawing table because they inevitably get knocked over, not allowing constant grazing of food because then main meals are a waste of time. Noting ott just simple things. When my husband is around he shows little regard to any of this and seems to actively flout these rules just to make
his presence felt. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tow the line at the weekends? He called me a horrible and obnoxious person for asking him to tidy away 2 wine glasses and put them in a cupboard? Is it me should I just grin and bear it?

Is he not often around? Why is this? If it's work (eg he's in the forces or an oil rigger or something) then maybe he feels that coming home is a special occasion and therefore rules are unnecessary.
If it's because he's usually out with his friends or pursuing his hobbies then ignoring the rules is just another demonstration that he doesn't actually give a toss about you - you are just the domestic servant, there to clean up after him and be grateful for your Master's mere presence.

MyPantsAreGreen Sun 27-Jul-14 13:36:21

He is back just in time for bed time most nights and I am a SAHM to 3 under 6. I am a really empathetic person and I totally appreciate just like any role you learn and establish rules and systems after learning from experience. He has less experience than me at running the home. It's just that unwillingness to change and adapt that I just don't get. I wondered what others had experienced.

ZenGardener Sun 27-Jul-14 13:36:52

My husband is only home at weekends. He also had an issue following simple little rules but in the end I just left him to it and he started to see the inconvenience they caused rather than being told. So just let him put drinks on the drawing table and leave him to clear up the mess when they get spilt. If he grazes all day still put a big meal in front of him in the evening. My husband soon learnt the benefits of doing these things when perhaps before he thought I was being picky.

Fairenuff Sun 27-Jul-14 13:41:38

What is stopping you two talking about this like mature adults?

MyPantsAreGreen Sun 27-Jul-14 13:45:06

What's stopping us talking is he called me a horrible and obnoxious person! It's always the same. It's a refusal to see things from my point of view.

SconeRhymesWithGone Sun 27-Jul-14 13:45:27

Who made the rules? Was he involved in the rule making?

SconeRhymesWithGone Sun 27-Jul-14 13:46:36

Of course, he should not call you names.

I think the problem is in the wording - you are trying to insist that he follows YOUR 'Rules' - He's an adult, and is reacting against you trying to mother him. And he's unwilling to 'change and adapt' because it feels (I guess) like you're nagging him. Rules only work if everyone signs up to them.

stargirl1701 Sun 27-Jul-14 13:49:50

Are these your rules or rules you both developed? It is his house too.

Fairenuff Sun 27-Jul-14 13:50:07

What's stopping us talking is he called me a horrible and obnoxious person!

All the more reason to talk to each other. Tell him that you would like an adult to adult discussion with him, without shouting, name calling or forcing rules on each other.

Remus is right, rules only work if you agree them. If he won't agree, you need to discuss how you feel about it and what you (both) intend to do about it.

2rebecca Sun 27-Jul-14 13:51:03

I agree that the house rules sound like your rules and there is no reason he should live by your rules any more than you should live by his as you both own the house.
If he's treating you like a skivvy is not on, but it's also not on for you to treat him like one of the children and not give him any autonomy.
Why is it his job to change and adapt and not both of you adapting and compromising?

emotionsecho Sun 27-Jul-14 13:52:25

You say "he refuses to see things from my point of view", he could say the same about you.

No way should he call you names, you should be able to talk reasonably about this and listen to each others point of view and then reach some sort of middle way/compromise.

eurochick Sun 27-Jul-14 13:53:30

These aren't house rules, are they? They are your rules and you are treating him like one of the children.

silveroldie2 Sun 27-Jul-14 13:54:58

"2rebecca*
"I agree that the house rules sound like your rules and there is no reason he should live by your rules any more than you should live by his as you both own the house. If he's treating you like a skivvy is not on, but it's also not on for you to treat him like one of the children and not give him any autonomy. Why is it his job to change and adapt and not both of you adapting and compromising?"

^ ^ This

scottishmummy Sun 27-Jul-14 13:57:13

If a man were posting this,it'd be deemed red flag a he'd be controlling
It's his home not a b&b stop imposing rules and he might feel more amenable

MyPantsAreGreen Sun 27-Jul-14 13:59:55

Well the way I see it if I went into his workplace I would make an effort to observe his ways of doing things and change an adapt to his systems etc. I certainly wouldn't go into his workplace and start flouting and disrespecting his systems whatever I thought of them. As an ex professional in his area I think I could make a stab at it at least! Yes it is his house and he lives here too but as I said earlier I have more experience in what works and helps to run things smoothly as I am here more! It took me years to learn how to run a home and it is chaotic if there are no systems with very limited space and 3 children under 6 and no relatives etcetera around to help or contribute.

FeministStar Sun 27-Jul-14 13:59:56

He's an adult. You agree things together about the house and don't impose rules on each other. It's his home not a guest house! My abusive first husband was like that about rules being followed.

ZenGardener Sun 27-Jul-14 14:01:04

I don't think it is controlling to ask someone not to leave their bag in the hall meaning you can't get the buggy past. I don't think it's controlling to ask someone not to leave their drink where it always ends up spilt. He may see it as controlling but he is making hard work for the OP.

ObfusKate Sun 27-Jul-14 14:02:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Sun 27-Jul-14 14:05:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Honestly? I don't think you're helping yourself. You're saying that you know better than he does, instead of working together to find out what works best for both of you.

Relationships are about compromise.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 27-Jul-14 14:09:36

If I was sharing a home with you you'd drive me barmy with your unilateral "rules". A partner is not just another child to be chivvied and scolded, and treating them like that is horrible and obnoxious.

scottishmummy Sun 27-Jul-14 14:09:49

Have you missed the obvious,you're the housewife.its your role to do domestic stuff
Unless of course you want to pay the accommodation and get a job
Get on with it.you dont work you've got plenty time.time to faff and mn too

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