First baby due next month. Mother has invited herself to stay...

[ILikeRed]

Our first baby is due at the end of august (my mother's first grandchild) and everyone is very excited. My mum lives about 300miles away and is not the easiest person to get on with (DH would call that an enormous understatement!) She can make me feel extremely stressed at the best of times and im constantly worried about her and DH arguing - which they generally dont, as long as he bites his tongue.(I imagine sleep deprivation will make that more difficult!)

She has, somehow, invited herself to stay with us for a week at the beginning of august, returning the weekend that the baby is due to "help". She wont help. She doesnt cook or clean or wash. She just makes mess and noise.

AIBU to ask her not to come? Can I ask her to give us a few days/ a week after the birth before she meets her grandchild?

How do I tell her? She WILL throw a hissy fit and I, at almost 9 months pregnant, am not sure I can take the stress!

Help!

[ShadowFall]

YANBU.

But I don't know how you can stop her kicking up a fuss about it.

[deakymom]

let her throw a hissy fit she is 300 miles away unplug the phone!!!

[MissBattleaxe]

You say that you've both decided to have NO overnight guests until the baby is in a routine. And stick to it. Repeat that it is a joint decision so that she can't try and change your mind and bully you.

We had to do this with MIL who presumed we would want a demanding overnight guest whilst figuring out our first newborn and establishing breastfeeding.

Let her kick off. Make this stand NOW or she will walk all over you from now on.

[KnackeredMuchly]

Tell her no.

[hamptoncourt]

YANBU tell her she cannot come and that you will tell her when she can visit - but that as you now have a baby she will have to stay in a nearby B&B/hotel.

If she throws a hissy fit so what?

You have to see that the stress of her throwing a hissy fit and hopefully not talking to you for a few weeks will be far less than the stress of having her stay.

[somewherewest]

YA really NBU. Just say no.

[HavantGuard]

From the sounds of her you're either going to get a hissy fit now or a load of stress when you have a newborn and are still recovering from labour. I'd get it over with now. It'll be easier to ignore her over the phone.

[Janethegirl]

Definitely tell her no. My DM came to 'help' when I had my second dc and I was cooking tea when the second dc was 1 day old. Start as you want to go forward :)

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Let her tantrum, just treat her like you would a toddler having a tantrum, just ignore.

This is meant to be a wonderful experience with a squishy, yummy smelling newborn, but your foot down, you'll thank yourself.

[somewherewest]

Just wanted to add, don't underestimate how tough the first few days will be. Even an 'easy' birth leaves you feeling like you've been run over by a truck for one thing (sorry - not very consoling I know!). DH and I insisted on a week to ourselves. Best decision we ever made .

[burgatroyd]

I was in your situation. Mother and I argued a kit. She didn't do any cooking and cleaning. She did help with holding the baby though.

[burgatroyd]

Mea

[burgatroyd]

A

[Reenskar]

Yanbu. Do not let her stay. Any visitors should sort their own accommodation until you think you are ready. Ask for some time to yourselves to settle as a family. That's a reasonable request. Then you can ask for help on your terms. Stressed out mum not good for baby!

[burgatroyd]

I give up! I mean to say that we argued because it was a pressurised situation. However if she holds the baby and helps with changing nappies that's nice. Don't listen to outdated advice on feeding etc...!

[MissBattleaxe]

I think it's incredibly selfish to expect to stay with a couple who have just had a baby. My MiL tried it- we were both firm and after that she never tried putting her foot down again.

[elQuintoConyo]

My DM invited herself over for a MONTH after DS was born. She didn't lift a bloody finger, would sit in a chair in the sun and doze all day and make comments like, "gosh, don't know why I am.so tired, I got a 10-hour sleep last night!"

DS had colic. It was a shocking forceps birth, we were clueless what to do with a newborn. But I was worried DM was bored, so we organised lots of daytrips and lunch/coffees out and about (I'm abroad).

I cooked a huge Christmas lunch, two weeks post partum. She ruined it all.

God that felt good to rant!!

Do what you can to have your Mil stay on YOUR terms, op.

And congratulations

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Start as you mean to go on.

She sounds hard work which you don't need if she's an arse and won't help.

Get your backbone out and tell her.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

YANBU. I had DM to stay after mine and even though she is actually super helpful, and we get on really well, having anyone else in one's space when one is so utterly shattered not to mention hormones all over the place, is really hard work. It's so well worth a hissy fit, believe me.

[Meglet]

Yanbu. Let her have that hissy fit.

A new baby can be a shock. The last thing you need is annoying visitors, let alone overnight guests. I wish I knew how hard it was going to be first time round (I wasn't on MN then!) because I'd have banned all visitors in advance and just hunkered down with newborn DS in peace. I did that second time around though.

[theeternalstudent]

I had exactly the opposite experience with my mum. She came to stay for a month after the birth of DD. I was dreading it, thinking that we would have fallen out after a few days. Truth be told she was a godsend. I couldn't have done it without her. She was amazing and I cried when she left.

I can honestly say that my relationship with my mother has changed 100% since having DD. Perhaps it could be the same for you?

[BabyMarmoset]

Is your DH taking paternity leave straight away? If so why not persuade her to put off her visit until he has gone back to work as that is when you will need the help more.

That will also reduce the time your DH will have to spend time with her and mean there are more jobs that she will have to attend to.

[BunnyPotter]

My DM sounds very like yours. She ended up at ours when DS was born (well, the day after) for 10 days, because he was born at 42+1 and we'd expected him earlier. It was HELL. DH nearly had a nervous breakdown from all the cooking and cleaning. She would offer to hold the baby so I could clear the table after dinner.

If your DM is there, the worst that can happen is that you never want to speak to her ever again and the very special time of the first days with a baby are ruined by her - and you never get that time back!

If your DM isn't there, the worst that can happen is that she sulks and behaves like a toddler, but will get over it when she sees baby etc.

For my second, we gave everybody a date two weeks after the real date, to politely avoid the same scenario. And I can say that it was fantastic! There were all the usual new baby things, but nobody making it awful.

[PickleMyster]

When my mum stayed after DS birth, I found her more difficult when I tried to anything for myself. If you can't put her off for a while then my advice is be confident in what you want to do, how you want to do it, when and where. And if she doesn't help out - ask her what the hell she is there for?

Good luck

[CountBapula]

YANBU. Just say no and do it now.

My mum tried this when I was heavily pg with DS1. She made me feel horribly stressed and bullied at a time when I was anxious and vulnerable. I eventually put my foot down and it was entirely the right decision, but the damage was done: she behaved appallingly and our relationship has never been the same.

Don't let anyone bully you. Nip it innthe bud as soon as you can.