To feel so strongly about dh's useless father?

[Lozzle12]

Potentially long post. Concerns dh's biological father. dh's mum and real father split when he was just over a year old. His mother has been with his stepfather since he was aged nearly 2 and is a prince among men - he is couldn't have been a better father to my dh and loves him no differently than he and his mothers daughter (who arrived when dh was 5). Dh has had a stable, happy upbringing and is an incredibly well-balanced, happy go lucky, lovely person.

Dh's real father (who we'll call RD) has always been in his life. He is a failed musician and has never had money. All through our relationship he has gone from one housing crisis to another while trying to become 'the next big thing' at 50+ years of age. Truly pathetic. I wouldn't mind, but we remain about £4,000 worse off because he has had to go to dh (before we were married) for money for private flats (he would never consider living outside central london and would only live alone! Unbelieveable), and for all sorts of things. This was happening very early on in our relationship - i remember him 'lending' him £1500 when he was 23 and had only just finished university, he had to use a credit card at the time. It was, and still is an eye-watering amount of money. Added to that are the countless times where he has texted my dh over the years tales of woe about how he ''hasn't eaten for days'' and can he possibly borrow £5. Dh would then transfer £10. I dread to think how often this has happened.

Now i probably sound, to some, 'unreasonable' at this stage...but my problem is this. DH has never got ANYTHING from him. He is emotionally demanding, always has been. For as long as I can remember, he's sent ranty, horrible texts to him about how hard done by he is in life, how dh "rubs his success in his face when he knows he has nothing", etc etc. The next day he'll be all sorry and dh will forgive him. Etc etc etc.

We got married 2 years ago and he didn't come. Felt it was ''humiliating for him'' and didn't want to see people ''rubbing their wealth in his face''. I hate to admit (i am ashamed of this) but i have always looked at dh's phone - only to see what his father is writing to him and what is happeneing. It has a bit of an effect on him - i understand that he wories about him - but he keeps it from me sometimes (but will then reveal all). I cant help the fact that my curiosity takes over. I am due to give birth to our first baby in a month and not once has he ever enquired in these messages about me or the baby, or even dh. The conversation is always about him and his latest ridiculous venture.

Not sure what the solution is, but aibu to want to give this man a piece of my mind once and for all????? The final straw was a ranty text he sent to dh was about how disgusting it was that he couldn't lend him "£40 to pay his heating bill and buy some food when he has a posh house". At the end of my tether.

[CoffeeTea103]

I think it's best you leave this between your DH and his df. You have no relationship with this man, but investing far too much energy on him.
It really is up to your DH if he wants to confront his dad. You won't solve anything by getting involved in what seems a very broken relationship between them.

[MrsWedgeAntilles]

I think if you give RD a piece of your mind all that will happen is that your DH will be required to do even more for his RD to make up for the slight you paid him. If he's getting shirty about people being better off than him can you imagine how bad it will be if he actually has something tangible to get his teeth into?

However, if I was in your shoes I'm not sure how long I would be able to follow my own advice for.

What does you DH say about all this? Does he know how you feel?

[Sandthorn]

Agree with coffee: it's between your husband and his father. Money lent before you married isn't really any of your business... It was never your money. Please stop snooping on his messages before the habit gets ingrained.

[knickernicker]

If it's affecting your dp emotionally or is a financial strain you need to discuss. Otherwise leave him to it.

[Gingermum]

There's an old joke about musicians: 'What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?' Answer: 'Homeless'.

What does you fil live on when he's not leeching off you? And why does your DH feel he 'owes' him when you say that his dad has never been there for him and has never been any kind of a father. Is your DH like this with anyone else?

I agree with Coffee, but think you need to have a conversation with your husband anyway. Let him tell you why he feels he has to pay out to support a man who never supported him. And as you are expecting a baby, this endless drip drip of cash is going to cause serious problems if it's not dealt with. As Natasha says, you need to make it clear to your DH that household money is for you and the baby, not to subsidise his feckless father. You and your DH need to be a united front.

[Longtalljosie]

Does your DP know you're regularly inspecting his phone?

[HauntedNoddyCar]

You do need to stop reading this stuff. I know it's incredibly tempting but you mustn't.

DH's father had rants about me one of which included the assertion that I must be reading DH's email etc. It was quite nice for me that DH could confidently and correctly tell him that no such thing had happened. Rather helped with the moral high ground :)

You can't stop this. Your DH must have his reasons. If you aren't in debt then it is his choice. The arrival of your baby may shift his feelings towards his RD and you support him through that.

[EarthWindFire]

I would first be annoyed that you were looking through my phone, especially if you have as you say, always done it. It is a breach of his privacy.

The relationship between your DP and his dad is their business. Maybe bring up about the lending of money, but that is it.

[Lozzle12]

Thanks for all your responses. I hold my hands up - it's terrible that i look through his phone but i cannot help it. dh just doesn't see him for who he is, despite being quite no-nonsense most of the time. He is naturally a very thoughtful person though and just keeps going back for more. For instance, he NEVER remembers his birthday. I just wonder where it all ends to be honest. And when it comes to the crunch, i'd never be rude to his dad. Just irritates me so much that he can be allowed to get away with this.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

You can help it. You choose not to. Sorry but that's the truth.

[kawliga]

Your DH is a big boy. He can deal with his own ranty texts. He does not need you to charge in and protect him. Don't infantilize your husband by reading his messages and ranting at his father on his behalf. I bet you justify invading his privacy by thinking that in some way you are going to protect him from his father.

[Lozzle12]

Actually, we quite often use each others' phones, ipads etc. quite often if im, say, cooking and my phone beeps ill ask him to open it and read it to me. We're not precious about this, why is this always such an ussue on mumsnet?! What is the average person hiding on their phones?! Weird.

Anyway, he often deletes the ranty texts. Sometimes he tells me about them.

[Lozzle12]

Christ Kawliga, are you this sanctimonious in real life?! "Dh is a big boy" yeah im sure im massively in the minority for not wanting to have a father in law like this. You mean to say you wouldnt feel even slightly protective of your lovely husband? Please.

[FrankSaysNo]

I have to echo other posters. Unless your DH is discussing this directly with you - and I guess not as you are snooping on his phone - (but I'll come back to that) then your opinion is neither required nor sought. Your DH is entitled to manage his relationship with his father as he sees fit. It is none of your business UNLESS the £10 here and there is taking actual food out of your mouth - again I guess not as the father deems you both to be 'flaunting wealth'.

Two observations on your marriage. (1) your DH isn't discussing this with you (2) you snoop . it's terrible that i look through his phone but i cannot help it You have no open line of communication - take my unsolicited advice on this and sort that problem out before is manifests in a much larger issue

kawliga is slightly more blunt that I am but I'm thinking exactly the same thing. you are justifying your snooping but in reality you are controlling.

FWIW neither my DH or I have PW/Code protected phones but equally either of us respects the others privacy and neither of us snoops.

[Janethegirl]

If my dh's phone bleeps to indicate a msg then whoever is nearest it looks at it, and vice versa. Why are ppl so precious about this sort of stuff? We do not have secrets.

[Lozzle12]

He tells me 90% of what happens!!!! I wish id never bothered posting on here.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I'm sorry for your DH. Yes, his father sounds like a selfish bellend, with the result that your DH has grown up into a bit of an anxious people pleaser, and now he's stuck in the middle. ON the one hand he's got his father demanding money and guilt-tripping him, but he's also got you stamping your little feet and snooping through his phone and looking for an excuse to demand that your H 'proves' he loves you more than his dad.

If money is tight for you and your H you need to have a discussion about it, but it needs to be an open, reasonable discussion. If your household budget allows both you and H an amount of money for 'spends' and your H chooses to pass his spending money on to his father, that is his concern and not yours. You don't like your FIL and he, presumably, doesn't like you much, but trying to force the issue is a really bad idea.

[Nanny0gg]

I hope your DH isn't going to lend him any more money as that is, in my view, being taken directly from your baby.

I have a slightly similar (but nowhere near as serious) issue as you and my DH will always discuss it with me, even if we disagree.

So I don't think you're being controlling or infantilizing him and it is very much your business. It has an effect on your DH and therefore on your marriage. However the discussion should be between you and your DH not you and his father.

[Ponkernonsir]

OP you're getting a rinsing when outside of MNWorld people often safer phones/emails with their spouses. But it's not PC to admit it.

I would feel exactly the same as you. RD is a prize dick and sadly your DH is enabling him. But I don't think there's anything you can do as he sounds like such a manipulative twat that if you had a go, as an earlier poster says, he'd make your husband pay for it.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why your husband feels that he mustn't tell him "no".

[ItHasANiceRingWhenYouLaugh]

Yes, I would talk to your DH in a very non judgemental way about what he thinks of his dad and the tantrums, and how he feels about the new baby and this problem. It will not be solved in one conversation, sadly, so do tread carefully.

[Joysmum]

We had the the opposit way. We have been helping a member of my family and my DH wanted to continue, whereas I didn't as it was a regular occurrence.

I told him it was stopping as our priority was now our DD and this help was taking our resorces from her.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I don't think you are being controlling OP: I think you are being fearful. You see your DH being emotionally and financially abused by RD and you feel the need to keep informed of just what's happening right now. I expect it helps you to cut your DH some slack or to be extra-supportive to him when you are aware of him having just been on the receiving end of another RD-onslaught .

Obviously, engaging with RD would be counter-productive. It would come back on your DH and increase the pressure on him. So the only person you can deal with in this situation is your DH.

Your DC will arrive in a month's time. Now would be a good time to sit down with your husband and go over the finances, ensuring you're prepared for the changes - increased outgoings, decreased income, cashflow etc. Raise the matter of each of you having some personal spending money - it's important that you both have some private money (if only so your spouse doesn't know how much their birthday present cost). You've discussed RD's sponging ( "He tells me 90% of what happens" ) so in the context of family finances you can raise how troubled you are about whether RD's demands will impact on your new, and possibly a little straitened, finances. Maybe suggest that if your husband feels he must give RD money, that you don't want it to come out of family money (NB: all earnings from either of you are now family money - only the amount you agree to ringfence as personal money is not family money), and that it's important to you that your DC's needs are the priority over RD's wants. DO NOT MAKE RD THE MAJORITY OF THE CONVERSATION. It should be about family finances and what changes you might both need to make to past spending patterns (fewer fancy coffees, whatever you feel can be classed as 'frittering'.) Hopefully, this will all help your DH to stand back a little from current spending and plan future spending.

Have you discussed with your husband why he feels he has to give RD money?

[Corygal]

First things first: thank your lucky stars that RD isn't, and has never been, any sort of active father to your DH. You're all well out of that scenario. RD = Ewww.

Secondly: yes, of course it's annoying to have a useless sponge of a family member, if you can call RD family. But RD doesn't sound that much of a drain, to be honest, and thank stars again because it could get a lot worse. See below.

RD clearly isn't a nice decent man, but we knew that. Do you? You can't expect anything from him, and you seem to be wanting him to act like a decent human being. Don't hold your breath.

If you're really bothered, ask your DH to stop giving him money. But I don't think that will happen. With any luck in time DH will see RD for what he is, but he may not, and you might be condemned forever to pay this awful little man to see him.

What I would insist on tho' - no large sums, ever. Ie more than 20 quid at a time. If RD thinks he can tap your DH for anything more than titbits, he will. You must make it clear that isn't on.