Advice about custody

[Aandesdad]

Hi,looking for advice from anyone whose had or known of a similar situation?

Currently starting the process of getting my oldest daughter to stay with me full time,reversing the roles that me and her mum share now.
So she'd live with me as her main home and holidays etc with her mum.

Background is that her mum had a boyfriend who sadly beat her up in front of my daughter,for which he was prosecuted and pleaded guilty too in court last year.
Things were good until few months ago and I got an inkling that the guy who beat her maybe was back on the scene.

Sadly,this turned out to be true after my daughter slipped up and told me he was and back staying there 3-4 nights a week for last few months.
What really aggrieved me was she had told my daughter to lie and cover up the fact he was back.
Obviously I've no idea what else she could be telling my daughter to lie about and coverup and that's really worried me,obviously the chance of him repeating the violence too is worrying as well.
So I'm taking steps to get my daughter home with me,but as a father I've heard all about court bias,how does anyone with experience rate my chances given whats went on??

[EarthWindFire]

How old is you daughter?

Given what you have said, your chances may be good for safeguarding issues.

[Aandesdad]

She is 9.

I'm hoping so,I wouldn't bad mouth her mother as she's been a good mum for most of her life,but this to me has been two huge errors in judgement with taking this guy back and then telling my daughter to lie and cover it up.

I've lost all trust in her now to be honest..

[WorraLiberty]

I've got no experience of this but I just wanted to say, what an awful situation and I hope you can all resolve it as quickly as possible

[NutellaSandwich]

What a difficult situation for you.

Before you can bring Court Proceedings you now have to attend a mediation session to see if an agreement can be reached. If you cant agree (which seems pretty unlikely) you will have to fill in a Court application form signed by the mediator to say mediation didn't work.

In the first instance you will have a conciliation appointment at the Family Court when a CAFCASS officer will try to help you reach an agreement. If that doesn't work (again it seems unlikely) then the Court will make directions likely for you both to make written statements setting out why you think the arrangements should change and also ask the CAFCASS officer to prepare an independent report on the issue. When preparing the report the officer will talk with your daughter and ask her about her wishes and feelings. Whilst she is only 9 these wishes and feelings will be noted and taken into consideration but will not be paramount.

The officer will prepare a report making recommendations to the Court as to what arrangements would be best for your daughter moving forward.

I think you chances of being successful depend a lot on your ex's position in relation to her partner / his violence etc and whether the officer feels she is able to protect your daughter moving forward.

Lots of luck.

[Aandesdad]

I am being realistic as I know these things can often be bias against fathers.
Up until now I've not had any reservations about my ex partners parenting and if this guy was not on the scene again then I still would be perfectly happy with things how they are.
But I couldn't live with myself if this guy got violent again and my daughter again has to witness it or even worse got hurt herself.

[rinabean]

You've heard about the bias in the courts, why are you worried then? The vast majority of fathers who ask for custody get it even when there are no problems with the mother.

[NutellaSandwich]

I can't see you have any option other than to kick start the process. Perhaps that in itself will bring your ex to her senses and get rid of the new partner. I think if she refuses to give up the new relationship and minimises the effect that her new partner may pose a risk to your daughter both physically and emotionally you have a good chance of your daughter coming to live with you. If your ex comes to her senses and ends her relationship I think your daughter will stay with her mum (which is doesn't sound like you will object too). The Family Court generally does consider that a child is better left with their primary carer (usually mum) unless there is a good reason to change things but it sounds as though you have a pretty good reason!

[Aandesdad]

I honestly would not have any problem at all with my daughter remaining with her mum if I was assured 100 percent that violent scumbag she has got in tow with was gone from the scene.
Part of me would not like the upheaval,change of schools etc that would upset my daughter and I do hope it does give her mum the shock she needs..

[EarthWindFire]

You've heard about the bias in the courts, why are you worried then? The vast majority of fathers who ask for custody get it even when there are no problems with the mother.

No the vast majority don't get sole residency when they ask for it.... I have seen countless threads where father has applied for sole residency and it hasn't been granted.

In fact these days residency order six aren't as common as they used to be and courts prefer shared care where there can be a primary carer.

[gordyslovesheep]

Get good legal advice - it IS a safeguarding issue - agencies do recognise now the high risk faced by children living in homes where there is violence and abuse between adults

good luck x

[thismumismad]

I would contact children's services in any case. They take a very dim view of people who carry on a relationship in which there is clearly documented domestic violence.

[Birdsgottafly]

The problem is that any violence happening now will be denied.

The question will be asked if you think your DD is in danger in any way and if so, have you discussed this with her Mum?

Why did you not contact SS?

Has your DD said that she wants to live with you?

[EarthWindFire]

I would contact children's services in any case. They take a very dim view of people who carry on a relationship in which there is clearly documented domestic violence.

^ this. They may also be able to find out if the new partner is out on license and what the conditions of this are.

[EarthWindFire]

Birds the OP says he has been prosecuted for it.

[Aandesdad]

She is not in any danger just now,she's with me for several weeks of the summer holidays so I know she is out of the way of this person.
Why I'm taking opportunity now to kick start the process,legal advice been sought,pretty sure I'll have to engage a lawyer.

I know if he was being violent again that she would more than likely cover it up from me now,hoping the fact he has previous conviction for it while my daughter was there will go in my favour.
Can't see how her mother can in anyway guarantee he wouldn't do it again.

[Aandesdad]

My other fear is that if I let it go,if she returns to school and they find out he's back and alert social services,thus taking it out of my hands.
Would rather it was me contacting them on my terms,informing them that she has a stable home here..

[kawliga]

Good luck with the custody issue, I hope it can be resolved.

But remember also that it is very harmful to your dd to see or even know that her mother is getting beaten up, regardless of who has custody. She is 9 years old, she knows what's going on, you are beyond the stage where you should worry about badmouthing the mother or trying to change her.

[Aandesdad]

I know,I just don't want to project anything negative i may feel about her mother onto my daughter.
I can't fathom in my own head why she thought it was ok to bring this guy back into my daughters life and cover it up from me.
I hope obviously he doesn't hit her again but she's made that choice,my priority is just trying to ensure my daughter is protected,not her..

[kawliga]

Oh my goodness, it is ok to say to your daughter that nobody should beat up anybody else and nobody should be in a relationship with someone that beats them up! That is not a 'negative feeling' about her mother, it is a profound truth which your daughter needs to hear from you.

She is 9 years old, don't let her think it's ok for her mother to get beat up just because you're scared to say negative things about her mother. Also, why are you hoping he doesn't hit her again?! Sorry, but he's not going to suddenly stop hitting her.

[Aandesdad]

I've already said to her that a man hitting a woman is never acceptable and not something to be forgotten or forgiven,though I haven't said anything like her mum is daft for going back with him,suppose it was implied but didn't want to disparage her mother outright.

I'm trying to tread carefully in what I say,don't want anything I might say to be taken wrong way and maybe misconstrued when/if it comes to going to court to sort this..

[kawliga]

I don't think domestic violence is an issue to be polite and tread carefully about. It's ok for your dd to know that her mother is being incredibly daft about this particular issue and that's why you're going for custody.

You sound scared of saying the wrong thing - nobody can take it the wrong way for you stand against leaving your daughter in a domestic violence situation. Don't be scared by people talking about courts being biased. You have done nothing wrong, you are trying to do what's best for your dd and it's ok to call this what it is.

[cestlavielife]

Get familiar with correct terminology there is no custody it s who the child lives with in the child arrangements order.
Do you have evidence of the boyfriend being there or just the child s word ?
If there was prosecution etc was there order not to be around her ?
Call nspcc for advice about who you can inform and lawyer

[Aandesdad]

Yes,the mother has told me too he is there and also admitted over text that she told my daughter to lie,so I'm keeping that as evidence too.