to want to get married now and have a wedding in a few years time?

(25 Posts)
HopeYoureHappy Tue 22-Jul-14 23:23:06

DP and I have been together for five years. I have a six year old and she sees him as her daddy, as her own father is beyond useless. We got engaged in January and I discovered in February that I'm pregnant with twins confused DP wants us to move in with him (we haven't been able to previously because of work/school commitments plus we wanted to take it steady after disastrous marriages) which will mean not returning to work after maternity leave, which I'm happy to do.

When we got engaged/pregnant we talked about having a wedding in 5/6 yrs time when the twins are old enough to take part and perhaps remember it. However, after being a single mum to DD for so long, I'm wary of the position I'm putting us in as I'll have no job and no savings. Also, DD has seen DP most days for the past 5 yrs and is extremely close to him. I frequently worry that something might happen to me and she'd end up living with her father, which she would hate, particularly as he'd be likely to prevent contact between her and DP/the twins. DP would be in a stronger position to fight this/adopt Dd if we were married.

I know both concerns aren't that likely to be a problem, but I feel being married now would make me more comfortable and secure. However, we have no money so it'd literally be for the sake of the piece of paper and then we'd have a family wedding/celebration in a few years as planned. Aibu to want to do this and to suggest it to DP before we move in?

Igggi Tue 22-Jul-14 23:30:15

Can you only live together if you don't work?

MrsWinnibago Tue 22-Jul-14 23:32:28

Does DP own his own home?

HopeYoureHappy Tue 22-Jul-14 23:41:37

I'd have to leave my job as the twins childcare bills would be far more than I earn, plus I'd like to be home with them anyway and DP is happy with that. He doesn't own the house, it's rented and linked to his job so only he can be on the tenancy.

BlowTheBloodyDoorsOff Tue 22-Jul-14 23:42:43

I think it's a good idea!

indigo18 Tue 22-Jul-14 23:46:05

Yes, do it! Have a little ceremony for yourselves and then plan and save for a big party later.

Igggi Tue 22-Jul-14 23:47:05

Childcare won't always be an issue; some people advocate working even at a loss to keep your hand in for the future - depends what you do/how you feel about it.
Your position doesn't sound very secure without marriage, but you already know that and that's why you are proposing to get married now. You might find your desire for a "wedding" diminishes as time passes though, if you're already married. Would you be thinking of a vow renewal type thing?

SisterMoonshine Tue 22-Jul-14 23:48:33

What do you mean by wedding/ celebration in a few years time?
Renewal of vows, trip of lifetime for the family?

It sounds like you want to get married now and that's great.
I just wonder that you sound like you might be disappointed you never had some great big do.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 22-Jul-14 23:49:11

My friend has done that. She got married last year, both very happy. Plan to have a blessing and a party in a couple of years when their circumstances are better.

If it works for you and your dp then Yanbu. You can do as like.

God knows I've found organising my wedding one of the least enjoyable things ever (see my thread on AIBU about RSVP's).

BumpNGrind Tue 22-Jul-14 23:51:14

If that's what you want to do then go for it. If I'm completely honest I think in a few years time you'll find it harder again to justify the cost, time and planning for a 'wedding' plus it may feel weird to walk down the aisle to a man who you've been married to for 3 years, so I wouldn't pin all hope on that, but if you want to be married then go for it.

ThatWasNice Tue 22-Jul-14 23:51:17

Two weddings sounds like a good plan in your circumstances grin

QuipFree Tue 22-Jul-14 23:52:35

That sounds a good idea. You get the security now and the party later. Win-win.

mumminio Tue 22-Jul-14 23:54:07

Definitely sounds like a good idea to get married now. Wish you well with the marriage and the twins.

MrsWinnibago Tue 22-Jul-14 23:59:31

My friend had a 1940s style wedding at a registry office...and she really went the whole hog and had a "do" at her Mum's house...a buffet in the front room and drinks etc.

They didn't have a band, a marquee or even a karaoke machine but people had a total ball. It all ended with people singing together and dancing in her Mum's tiny sitting room. The buffet was the most trad buffet you've ever seen....sandwiches, cakes and sausage rolls...all most welcome and scoffed.

YellowTulips Wed 23-Jul-14 00:00:45

I always felt I wanted to be married before having children.

There are so many pitfalls if you are partners and the relationship fails.

To me the irony is that having children is the biggest commitment you can make as a couple in emotional terms and as a lifetime bond - but legally marriage carries more weight.

So if I was you - yes I would marry now.

However some of the best weddings I have been to were done on a shoe string. Think farmers fields, camping, guests bring food/booze rather than a present, bring a pal who can play guitar and have a sing song etc..far better than the stuffy posh ones I have been to.

Cost peanuts...why not have a lovely day like that?

AlleyCat11 Wed 23-Jul-14 00:06:16

I would get married & not worry about the wedding bit. It's not important. Does he want to get married sooner too?

WaitMonkey Wed 23-Jul-14 00:06:25

Very sensible. Congratulations. thanks

TurboWithAKick Wed 23-Jul-14 00:18:28

No point in a. 'Wedding bit' later on.... People all go to the expense of it, for what?

MrsWinnibago Wed 23-Jul-14 00:29:22

Well OP wants a wedding a bit later on...that's the point of it...some people just want that. And why not?

YellowTulips Wed 23-Jul-14 01:14:32

Re post above - because to everyone else it won't be a wedding if they have been married x years...

So yes get married now, but do a fab low key and beautiful event.

TaraKnowles Wed 23-Jul-14 01:25:25

I went to the wedding of a couple who got married last year. It was a fun night but it didn't feel the same.

I would have an anti wedding wedding and get married like a pp said just have everybody at home. Your guests will praise you.

Sapat Wed 23-Jul-14 01:25:43

I got married this year after 18 years together with OH and 3 months before 3rd baby was born. Honestly, we should have done it years and years ago. We met very young and marriage was not important and we baulked at the fuss and expense. However once we started having kids it became important to me. Kids have different name to me (when I travel alone with them I have to prove I am the mother), kids were illegitimate (so we had to sort out complex wills)....

We had a fantastic winter (cheaper) wedding, organised in 3 months flat, no fuss, no frills but still had 90 guests with sit down meal and evening dance. We decided what was important and cut out the (to our eyes) unimportant stuff (DJ, wedding car, fancy dress, photo booth, etc). We had good food, good wine, fantastic ceilidh band, did pretty much everything ourselves to keep costs to a minimum. Our biggest expense was the venue (a renovated historic barn, but because we got married in February it was more than half the price of a summer date) and the food (because to my mind you have to receive your guests well, so we went for the waitressesed buffet option, good food still but cuts down staff costs, paper napkins rather than linen, no chair covers...), did everything locally (outfits, food, flowers, photography, etc) to get best deals and for ease of organisation. I hired a photographer, but just for 2 hours and the contract was for 100 photos so paid a fraction of the normal wedding package. His parents did a booze cruise (which they enjoyed) and bought the wine as a wedding gift (we had cava Buck's Fizz rather than champagne on arrival, 2 bottles wine per table, sparkling desert wine for the toasts). Among other things my parents bought loads of chocolate after Xmas in the sales so we had bowls and bowls of lush choccies in the evening. His sister baked our wedding cake instead of a gift, my cousin designed and printed names and seating plan instead of gift, my siblings organised games and song lists for the hour or so between the end of the dance and closing (the other guests were luckier, we said no gifts, just come and join the celebration!). We had an absolute ball, the whole event was relaxed and joyful, and our kids loved being part of it (DD was bridesmaid, DS ringbearer) and called it "our" wedding and keep asking when we will do it again! And we spent what we could afford (£6k) for a still great party rather than blowing £20k as is apparently the average these days. We had no honeymoon and both went back to work 2 days later.

I was wondering what would change in our relationship once we were officially married, and to be honest, with a house, cars, kids, etc. it changed nothing but I am happier because the vows we took sealed our relationship in many ways and brings stability not to me, but to us as a family unit. Have a simple wedding now, and a big party later if you still want it. I have loads of friends who had really simple wedding, like weekday with a pub lunch which are lovely because they are very relaxed. The party is irrelevant, it is the marriage bit that is important.

TaraKnowles Wed 23-Jul-14 01:26:04

Sorry I very recently went.

ICanSeeTheSun Wed 23-Jul-14 01:37:30

To me the most important part is that piece of paper.

It's yours and DP life and if that's what you want to do, then do it that way.

vvviola Wed 23-Jul-14 01:48:47

We did exactly that when I was 8 months pregnant. Although the big wedding was already booked for the following year.

So, we did a small private ceremony (DH & I, with my parents as witnesses), and then a year later did church blessing (which was very important to me), reception, white dress, the works.

Both ceremonies are very special to me.

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