to be hurt that I never get an ounce of sympathy from DH if I'm ill?

(79 Posts)
footnerfan Tue 22-Jul-14 16:27:09

Just want to start by saying that I'm rarely ill, however I've been unwell for the past few days. It started with a migraine at the weekend and I now have a horrible virus that both DCs had a couple of weeks ago. I feel horrible, and it's an effort to just put one foot in front of the other. Luckily I work part time from home so I've been able to take a few days' off work.

The problem is DH. He never gives me any sympathy at all if I feel unwell. If I ever say I feel ill he just doesn't reply to me. I think it's because he doesn't want to have to do anything in the house and with the DCs so he thinks if he doesn't acknowledge it then I'll just carry on. He knows full well that I'm not feeling very well this week but hasn't once answered me when I've mentioned it, and won't do a thing to help out. He is always the same but for me this time is the straw that broke the camel's back. I am absolutely exhausted today and in all honesty I should be in bed, but it will be up to me to do teatime, tidying up, bathtime, homework and everything else, so I can't.

When I had our youngest child DH said I could have a couple of days of sitting doing nothing then I had to just get on with it. And he meant it. After 2 days he just left everything to me even though I was recovering from a PPH and then severe mastitis. And once a few years ago I had a stomach bug and DH kept saying that it was all in the mind and that I needed to make the effort to feel better. I only stayed in bed for one day!

AIBU to be hurt and feel totally unloved and neglected?

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 16:30:38

"even though I was recovering from a PPH and then severe mastitis. "

FFS.

YANBU.

He promised to love and cherish you. Why isn't he doing so?

ALittleFaith Tue 22-Jul-14 16:34:10

...er, what exactly do you get out of this marriage?! YANBU to expect sympathy when ill. He is being a knob not doing anything round the house! Bigger issues than the lack of sympathy I think.

puntasticusername Tue 22-Jul-14 16:36:25

Your husband sounds like a useless twat, sorry. Does he expect sympathy when he gets ill?

HeirApparent Tue 22-Jul-14 16:41:25

Sorry to say it but my EX husband was exactly like this as well. I suffer from hormone induced headaches and if I ever said I had one he would say "What again?", as if it was something lovely I would choose to have! Actually it was really symptomatic of his general opinion of me really. I never came first before anyone else, his mother, his friends, his work. Took at while to realise it but he might have said he loved me but he didn't love me enough rather looked on me as a resource for the family.
Much happier now I'm on my own!

footnerfan Tue 22-Jul-14 16:44:56

What upsets me too is that if any of his friends' wives or kids are ill he is all sympathetic. One of his friends' wives had a baby at Xmas time and DH made sure to tell me about the terrible birth she'd had, and how exhausted she was. Yet I got no acknowledgement when I gave birth.

puntasticusername Tue 22-Jul-14 16:46:37

Do you think he might have some sort of emotional problem that prevents him acknowledging/discussing that someone he loves is in pain? And needs his help?

Darksideofthemoon88 Tue 22-Jul-14 16:47:03

I don't think it's 'sympathy' you need exactly; it's for him to step up and be a decent human being - ie look after the house and kids, get you some medicine/painkillers etc, make sure you're fed and watered, and let you rest. He sounds awful, OP.

footnerfan Tue 22-Jul-14 16:48:13

I think it's more that he can't be bothered to do anything or be supportive towards me. He's all fine as long as things go his way, but the second that anything becomes inconvenient for him he hates it.

Cocolepew Tue 22-Jul-14 16:50:40

Go to bed and leave him to it.

Koothrapanties Tue 22-Jul-14 16:51:34

Dh will help more around the house and with dd but is never very sympathetic. It makes me feel quite unloved so yanbu at all op. Have you tried telling him how it makes you feel?

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 16:54:17

Does he have any good points?

HecatePropylaea Tue 22-Jul-14 16:54:59

That's not how you treat someone you love.

Have you told him how unacceptable you find it and how it makes you feel? What has he said?

You don't need his permission or agreement to go rest if you are ill. You just say I am unwell, I am going to rest, you are going to have to sort the kids tea out.

how is he when he is ill?

puntasticusername Tue 22-Jul-14 16:55:04

Fair enough, I was just groping for any charitable explanation grin

You don't sound as if you like him very much? What do you want to do about that?

CatKisser Tue 22-Jul-14 16:56:11

What would happen if you said "I'm really not well so am going to bed. Please could you sort the kids' dinners?"

footnerfan Tue 22-Jul-14 16:57:06

He wouldn't be happy if I just went off to bed. He'd probably stomp around for days.....

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 16:58:39

Why does he think he is more important than you?

CatKisser Tue 22-Jul-14 16:58:50

Well that's absolutely no way to live. What a HORRIBLE, selfish person. angry
It also sends a message to your children that it doesn't matter if mums are ill, they still have to do all the house jobs. Sorry but lazy arseholes like this really boil my piss.

HecatePropylaea Tue 22-Jul-14 16:59:32

He needs to be told in words of one syllable that his behaviour is unacceptable and not the actions of someone loving.

or worth loving, to be frank.

footnerfan Tue 22-Jul-14 17:00:31

I have told him in the past that the way he behaves is putting me off him but it doesn't seem to bother him. I have gradually disengaged over the past few months really

minibmw2010 Tue 22-Jul-14 17:02:26

What is he like when unwell himself or is he never unwell?

You appear to be an appliance which isn't working properly and it is an inconvenience for him.

Go to bed. Get some sleep and I hope you feel better soon.

You have my sympathy, being ill is shit. Having an unsupportive titface for a husband is worse though IMO.

thanks

CatKisser Tue 22-Jul-14 17:03:13

I can design an appropriate sentence using all one-syllable words... angry
In all honesty, footnerfan, do you want to be with him? You don't sound very happy at all. sad

footnerfan Tue 22-Jul-14 17:03:34

If he's unwell he expects the whole world to stop. On Sunday after he found out that I felt ill he suddenly decided he felt ill too and sat around all day doing nothing. He wouldn't even put our youngest child to bed in the evening and said he couldn't do anything as he was ill.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 22-Jul-14 17:04:28

Go to bed and let him stomp.

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