To think that spending time with DD is more important than housework?

(129 Posts)
prettyinpink90 Tue 22-Jul-14 09:31:28

I'm currently on maternity leave with DD who is 15 weeks old.
Last night me and DP got into an argument after he commented that I had been saying I would sort through one of the bedrooms (currently being decorated) for over a week now and I couldn't expect things to get done when I was out 'enjoying' myself all of the time.

I do try and get out at least 3-4 days a week to do activities with DD such as swimming, baby massage, etc and feel this is important before my return to work in January. Housework is done around this as well as in the evening and at the weekend. DP comes home daily to his dinner on the table, work clothes led out and packed lunch made for the next day. He is never asked to do any of the housework and I am happy to do this myself.

AIBU to think that spending time with DD is more important than doing the housework during the day? I feel as if DP resents that I am on maternity leave and do not have to go out to work.

Appletini Tue 22-Jul-14 09:36:53

Your DP is being horrible. YANBU.

whataloadofoldshite Tue 22-Jul-14 09:37:40

YANBU. You're right. The chores can wait. Suggest doing the room together at weekend maybe?

Iggly Tue 22-Jul-14 09:38:25

Give him baby to look after one day. See how he gets on with that and housework.

Also don't make promises you can't keep grin

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 22-Jul-14 09:40:39

Agree with letting him.get on with it.

Id also kindly point out that if it was expected that whilst caring for a ypung baby you should also be doing work then the government wouldnt pay you to stay off work. Maternity Leave not Housekeeping Leave.

Is he hands on with dd?

fairylightsintheloft Tue 22-Jul-14 09:44:34

well he might not be expressing himself very well but to be honest, unless your baby is very unusual, at 15 weeks she will be having about 3 naps a day - not really unreasonable to think you might do an extra task during that time. He is asking you to do something for the house, not for him exactly. I agree that he probably doesn't really appreciate what its like to be at home all day, how dull that can be and therefore why you want to go out, but I never really got that whole thing about not being able to do stuff because of the baby - my two weren't angels, DS especially needed entertaining a lot but you CAN do stuff around the place. Why doesn't he make his own packed lunch for the next day in the evening in return for you sorting out the room - or you both work on the room for 45 mins in the evening when he gets home and baby is in bed.

prettyinpink90 Tue 22-Jul-14 09:46:05

thinkivebeenhacked he is a wonderful dad and DD is his world. He has always been very hands on since she was born. I just don't think he understands day to day tasks aren't quite as easy with a baby.

Joysmum Tue 22-Jul-14 09:46:19

3 naps a day? I don't think so!

TurboWithAKick Tue 22-Jul-14 09:49:13

Must cost loads doing all those extra activities

violator Tue 22-Jul-14 09:49:17

YANBU. My son is 3 and I still play with him ahead of housework!

whatshallwedo Tue 22-Jul-14 09:54:34

3 naps a day?? grin grin grin I was lucky if dd had one nap and in this time i had to shower and dress but this was actually when she was much older, about 7 months. Up until then she would only nap whilst held.

Anyway, exdp used to put housework above spending time together as a family which contributed to the breakdown of our relationship.

Your dp does not work 7 days a week therefore he can either look after his child whilst you sort the room or do it himself.

UriGeller Tue 22-Jul-14 09:54:48

I'm fortunate in that my DP understands that caring for the children (ours are 3 and 1) is far more important than housework!

When the babies are tiny, you have to be there for them completely. When they get bigger you have to just throw your hands in the air and live with the mess otherwise you can drive yourself round the bend.

There'll be plenty of time for housework when they are older. Like my mum says, "the housework isn't going anywhere fast!"

Staryyeyedsurprise Tue 22-Jul-14 09:55:30

My husband was a little bit hmm too but as I used to say "it's called maternity leave, not washing and cleaning leave" smile

In fairness, with a pretty young baby, there were periods when the baby would be asleep so if we were at home, I'd do some cooking or cleaning. Not loads - just bunging stuff in the slow cooker or sweeping the kitchen floor - but enough to roughly keep on top of things. There was no way I was going to miss out on baby activities/seeing friends with babies though!

Staryyeyedsurprise Tue 22-Jul-14 09:57:38

Oh and I used to find if I went swimming after lunch, the baby would be knocked out all afternoon so those were the days when I'd make a bit of extra effort before sitting down with a bar of galaxy and a book

Don't stress, do what you can do.

whatshallwedo Tue 22-Jul-14 09:59:01

turbo why is the cost of activities relevant to this thread? Is it because you believe the op to be spending her dp's money so should be doing housework in return?

A lot of activities for pre-school children are free, swimming is probably the only thing you would have to pay for and even then it can be cheaper through a Childrens' Centre.

The op is taking their dd out to age appropriate groups which are benefitting the both of them, quite probably spending 'family' money as she receives maternity pay.

LabradorMama Tue 22-Jul-14 10:00:10

I had this a bit with DP when DS was about 5 weeks old. Then DP had 2 weeks off work over Christmas and saw what I was dealing with on a daily basis and he's never mentioned it again.

Can you leave DC with DP for a full day (or two) while you go out? See how much housework, cooking etc he gets done?

Penguin0fMadagascar Tue 22-Jul-14 10:00:51

Surely you're on "maternity" leave not "getting housework done" leave?! Sounds like he's getting a pretty good deal as far as getting clean clothes, a cooked meal and a packed lunch - when DS1 was 15 weeks I was still having to set myself one task a day to do, and that was usually "have a shower" or "put a load of washing on", and DH was happy to take up the slack, or just live with the mess. I completely agree with you - in the early days it is far more important to bond with your baby than keep up with the housework, and you will reap the benefits of that bonding time in future years.

Iggly Tue 22-Jul-14 10:02:22

Well Turbo it is the DP's baby too!?

prettyinpink90 Tue 22-Jul-14 10:08:26

Our weekly activities don't amount to much really. Most are free, baby massage was £5 for a 5 week course at my local children's centre and baby swim is £2 a session... although we got 3 free sessions through a friend.

TurboWithAKick Tue 22-Jul-14 10:15:57

whatshall er wind your neck in love, just trying to look at it from DP/DH point of view! Not giving my opinion just trying to understand his stance more

You enjoyed trying to give a little speech a bit TOO much there I think. YOU might not think it's 'relevant to this thread', but it's not your thread to police. So I'll bring up what I like

pink if it's not money he's worrying about and can't be housework as you say everything is done, then what else could be bothering him?

MellowAutumn Tue 22-Jul-14 10:18:58

If the house is a tip then yes you need to balance your priorities if not then your time your decisions but if you are going back to work I would do stuff for my future self as time will be much more precious then smile

Oldraver Tue 22-Jul-14 10:21:07

I would knock off the meal. laying out clothes and pandering to him.... tell him you were too busy doing the room grin

Seriously though, I would be having words that he expected you to be on top of the housework...if you manage it and are ok with it fine...its the expecting it dont that I would be bothered about

Chunderella Tue 22-Jul-14 10:24:08

Yanbu. You are doing very well indeed to get that level of housework done with a small baby. Your DP is clueless if he thinks you can magic up a couple of hours to do a big task whilst looking after a baby- naptimes sound rather full already with all the stuff you're already doing.

bouncinbean Tue 22-Jul-14 10:27:57

I'm even amazed and impressed with people that use nap times for housework. I used them to sleep as well and recover from the disturbed sleep in the night. Only if I was rested and didn't need a nap would I use it for a bit of housework.
And as for going out, well I find its much easier to go out than stay in sometimes - guaranteed entertainment for baby - whether its staring at trees on a walk, looking at people in supermarket or doing a class. I found most of my activities were free or low cost - I went to surestart classes rather than paying for 'posh classes'. (In fact I wish I had been told sooner about the john lewis free cake every month wink)

Forestmushroom Tue 22-Jul-14 10:37:01

I have spent my whole maternity leave mostly at home as we haven't had the money or options where we live for me to do much. Despite being at home so much the house is far from spotless as I either play with DD, or have to do things with her in a sling as she hates to be left on the floor while I do stuff. Now she is 9 months this is hard work. She will also only sleep on me most of the time so I have developed an unhealthy addiction to MN and Facebook. I am also really fed up. Your DH should be appreciative of all the things you are doing for him. You should make the most of your maternity leave, it is much better for you psychologically than staying at home alone with a baby day after day (like I have).

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