To expect dd to keep some of her pocket money back?

(34 Posts)
wtafisgoinon Tue 22-Jul-14 00:47:14

Genuinely don't know if I am so please don't flame me if I am but I don't think so. Have had discussions with DDS over this.

DDS gets £5 a week from her Grandparents on Saturday. She has usually spent it all on stuff in the local shop before she even gets back and usually on crap (sweets/choc etc)

I don't give pocket money weekly as low working income and can't guarantee I will have money to give each week but usually put a small amount in her account on payday (say £20) and I top up her phone.

My issue is she spends the money in her account in one go say on a toy or top or such then the £5 on Saturdays the same day she gets it but then like tomorrow she is going out with a friend and needs £4 to go with, at the weekend there is a fun day she wants to go to and will want money for that , she wants to go to the kids junior cinema etc.

So basically between me and parents she is getting forty pound a month and yet expects to be able to spend it all in one go because its her money to do what she wants but still expects me to pay for her going out with friends etc.

She's taking the pee a bit isn't she?

Topaz25 Tue 22-Jul-14 00:50:49

Since she already gets pocket money from her grandparents, I'd hang on to the £20 and dole it out when she needs money to go out, rather than putting it into her bank account for her to spend and then paying out extra as well.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 22-Jul-14 00:54:26

So you have choices here - split your payday money into four fivers and give her it the same day her gps or stop givI g her anything on top of the bank account money

"no dd you cant have any money for the cinema. I gave you your monthly allowance last friday and you spent it all so you will need to go without til next allowance day"
She isnt going to learn money management unless you teach her it.

Bailing her out with extra spends is teaching her nothing.

wtafisgoinon Tue 22-Jul-14 00:55:12

Yes I agree, She has some mild sen and I was trying to encourage her money skills and independence with the £20 but it is obviously not working!

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 22-Jul-14 00:56:03

No it isnt working but that is because when she runs out you just give her more grin

TheBloodManCometh Tue 22-Jul-14 01:01:52

How old is she?
Honestly I would shrug as that's what pocket money is for!

wtafisgoinon Tue 22-Jul-14 01:01:55

I know if I split the £20 into four fivers she will still spend it the same day.

I do do the you have had x amount I don't have extra to give you mostly. She thinks she is hard done by because of that.

My problem occurs mostly because she has been invited to cinema and mcds by her friend who for other reasons she has not seen since February but she has spent all her money.

I feel torn because this was her best friend but she's spent all her money.

wtafisgoinon Tue 22-Jul-14 01:04:19

Sorry she's 11.

BackforGood Tue 22-Jul-14 01:05:50

Agree with Think - it won't work if you just hand over the money when she wants something and has run out of hers!
Not sure how old she is, but £20 a month sounds like more than enough money for a teen anyway, so why not hang on to the other £20, and save it for her - but let her know that it's been saved, and if there's something she particularly wants, then let her know she can withdraw that amount for it, but it's not just 'there' in her purse asking to be spent on 'nothing' each month - she's already got £5 a week to do that with!

BackforGood Tue 22-Jul-14 01:06:29

x-posted so some of what I wrote now looks odd!
Point is the same though smile

wtafisgoinon Tue 22-Jul-14 01:11:43

The £20 I put in gets spent on something proper. (Books, a toy, clothes) . It was meant to be to teach her the value of money, give independence, allow her to save for something she wanted.

The fiver my parents have started giving her is usually spent when they take her to supermarket on crap.

Sooo do I tell her she cannot go out with friend who she hasn't seen in months or give her the money this one time but insist it is paid back.

CaptainTrollolololol Tue 22-Jul-14 01:24:28

I'd give her less pocket money in her account but when she gets invited to things, you pay with the money that originally was going in. That way she gets things but also experiences.

GodDamnBatman Tue 22-Jul-14 02:26:58

I would give it to her this one time, since you've been doing it and its a bit unfair to suddenly spring it on her like that. Then tell her from now on she is responsible for saving her own money and stick to it.

I have LD's and I struggled with money management all the way up till adulthood. So it's a good thing to teach it now. Your tough love now will save her headache in the future. smile

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf Tue 22-Jul-14 05:33:34

I would explain (again I'm sure) to her that you expect her to be paying for her social life out of her allowance. So it is her choice to spend her money all in one go but if she does that she won't be able to go to xyz.
This time I would say as it is a special occasion and she hasn't seen friend for a long time that you will give her an advance on her next allowance and explain that this means whatever money she has in her hand will be missing from her bank at the end of the month because she has already spent it.

It completely depends on your dd but I would also start little reminders (I'm not sure what you do already) to try and help her keep track that money is finite - so 'if you want to spend x now that's fine but remember you won't get any more money for 3 weeks, so you won't have any to pay for the cinema'. It's exactly like punishments and toddlers - some vague, ephemeral 'future time' not really connected to here and now.

I also agree with pps that I think what I would actually do from now is to split gp & your money because it's a lot for her to fritter away. So her weekly £5 is her spends and her phone is paid that really is plenty at this age imo, and her £20 goes into an account that you monitor so her trips can come out of it no problem at all but does she need £20 of toys a month? If she wants one she can spend less on sweets that are gone in a day and save the rest of her weekly money.
Boom and bust is pretty familiar to a lot of us I think (I certainly had to learn as my parents are awful with cash) and I went hungry more than once as a student!

I can see how she feels hard done by - she doesn't really understand the concept, LDs notwithstanding she's 11, and the rate of return on purchases. I also think it's too much for her to have the ability to burn through while she doesn't yet actually understand the lesson it is teaching her- that could be a real pot of savings for her on a big trip or for a special present etc-. I would give free rein with £5 but handhold her with the big money for longer, she is only young and I think perhaps she's a step ahead of her ability to budget. As she doesn't see you managing adult affairs at this age (or I never did, had no idea that I had to pay water bills fgs) then you can show her good management of her money while letting her make her own choices with a smaller amount. Does that make any sense? I'm so tired I couldn't even count my own change right now so goodness knows how this will come out! I hope I'm understandable.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf Tue 22-Jul-14 05:46:11

Actually I've just re-read the last bit and scrap that.
It is so completely not my business how much you choose to give her, whether it's £20 or £200 or even goes straight through the shredder.
It sounds like I'm moralizing at the end but it really wasn't meant as a judgment about profligacy and 'in my day I had a stick and was bloody lucky if I didn't have to share'-ism but more a badly expressed thinking out loud of how I would try and rejig things to make the lesson more of a habit and easier to get to grips with. In the shorter-term there may be a little pouting. However you could do this with as many pounds as you deem appropriate, which is bog all to do with me.
So explain, model, practice - fly free my debit carded chick kind of thing.
Sorry thanks

fuzzpig Tue 22-Jul-14 07:06:58

I think it's completely reasonable at her age that if she is going out with friends that she pays for it out of her £40 a month. Of course if you are going out on a family cinema trip or whatever then you'd pay, but if she's gallavanting off with her friends then with the amount she's getting she can certainly start learning to put money aside for that! She will be at secondary in September I assume. That said, she may need a slight increase for the summer holidays (you could make that a regular thing - £x per week in term time, £y per week in holidays) but depends how stretched you are and how often she's going out in summer.

I would sit down and talk about it with her, don't just spring it on her. I would give her the money this time but tell her that this is the last time she gets extra. Last time. Repeat. Last time. Make sure she understands. And NEVER give in after this.

fuzzpig Tue 22-Jul-14 07:11:50

Not that I think this time counts as giving in BTW, as you haven't had this rule before, it would seem a bit unfair to say no this time as it's kind of retrospectively changing the rules IYSWIM? As she spent it not knowing that you'd suddenly change the rules. Whereas if you make this the last time then you're changing it going forward which seems fairer.

I think though if you are changing these rules it might be a good idea to make the amount you give her consistent even if it's less than £20 as it will help her budget more accurately if she's getting the same each month.

HermioneWeasley Tue 22-Jul-14 07:15:52

Unless her SEN are so severe that she will never live independently, she needs to learn to manage money and live within a budget.

I would stick to £20 and when it's gone, it's gone. But it might be worth sitting down with her and explaining again, or playing a game where she has tokens or something she has to choose what she can get with them?

PogoBob Tue 22-Jul-14 07:17:46

Let her go this time as she hasn't seen her friend in ages. Don't put the £20 in her account at the end of this month but keep it back and give in stages next month (as days out come up rather than at the same time as her grandparents).

I can still struggle with not blowing money on payday and I'm in my 30s so it's going to be a bit of a learning curve for her especially with mild SEN

ClashCityRocker Tue 22-Jul-14 07:19:23

Could you help her figure out ways of spending less, too?

Going to the library rather than buying new books, charity shops for clothes etc?

I agree you shouldn't be funding social activities too. Forty quid a month is plenty at that age, IMO.

Disclaimer: I was crap with pocket money.

MaryWestmacott Tue 22-Jul-14 07:22:02

I agree, this the lady time she gets extra, she's going to have to miss out on treats at some point in order to learn, so you will have to be hard.

It might be also worth talk to her grandparents (are they your parents or pil? That might make it harder), and ask if they can support you teaching her about saving money, do they have to take her to the supermarket every week after handing over £5? If they didn't, it might be easier for your dd to save that money, or at least a little of it. Taking her the same day will reinforce that the money is to be spent that day, that habit could do with being broken.

flipchart Tue 22-Jul-14 07:27:20

Have you actually taught her how to budget or did you just expect her to get on with it?

wtafisgoinon Tue 22-Jul-14 08:26:05

No I have taught her how to budget flip. We have also done the if you spend x now you will only have y left and its 5 days till you next get your pocket money and you may see something you want a million times over when I have been with her at grandparents.

Last week she moaned because she wanted something from the milkshake bar up the road but announced she didn't want to spend her own money in case she saw something she wanted hmm

We do LOTS of free activities, library activities etc.

I was giving her the £20 before my parents and thought that was enough so now she is getting twice that I think splitting is a good idea.

In fairness she doesn't often get topped up when she asks because I mostly don't have it anyway.

aNoteToFollowSo Tue 22-Jul-14 08:36:08

It seems your DD battles to save and budget - some kids and adults are naturally better at this than others. I understand your desire to let her develop her own controls but it seems that at the moment she might need a little more structure and a bit more help. How about setting some rules in place, for now e.g. you can spend this much of your pocket money and you have to put this much aside each week ?

Whatever you do, I agree with the posters who say it would be a bit hard to suddenly announce she can't go out because she has no money. I thnk you need to help her prepare for this scenario before springing it on her. This may, in the future entail her not going out a few times, but for now, I would be lenient.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Tue 22-Jul-14 09:46:41

I think I would put the £20 in a separate place for her but not for her access, I would use it for her throughout the month, perhaps give a small amount as pocket money each week. but I would sit down with her and the diary every 1st of the month and help her work out what she wants to do that month and how much it will cost in one column, then add what she is getting as pocket money from you and GP each week so she can see how it will add up and what the shortfall might be if she was to do everything she wants. Try to get her use a diary / wall chart to plan ahead so if she has a lot of things coming up she needs to save for it from a week with not much on. harsh but a good life skill.

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