To be fuming and stewing over MIL's malice and rudeness towards me...

(95 Posts)
queensansastark Mon 21-Jul-14 16:48:58

Think I'll feel better after I've vented on here and written it all down.

My relationship with Mil has always been strained since 12 years ago. It really is toxic, each time we've met I have ended up fuming and stewing for ages. It is one of those whatever I do or don't do, say or don't say is taken the wrong way, anything that goes wrong would be my fault and she would make a point of disapproving and disrespecting anything that I say I liked...for whatever reason, I think she fundamentally cannot deal with someone who is very different to her (I'm not the gushing, overtly emotional type, and not the sort of person who knows the right things to say in social occasions...DH thinks I am slightly aspergers).
I have always tried to remain civil and polite, we HAVE to interact for the sake of DH and Dd. The relationship has its bad and less bad phases, even though after each time we meet I always end up fuming, I make a conscious effort to wipe the slate clean each time and at the beginning believed that the relationship will get better. There were blips when I thought it was getting better and we have turned the corner, only to find that, as suspected, they were only blips and she returned to form with her rudeness and disrespect. Over the years, I have decided that it takes two and have given up hope on her ever changing, although I've decided to remain polite and civil.

Cut to last week, we had a week's holiday together in a holiday resort in Borneo - me, dh, dd, MIL and MIL's dh. This is the first one since 5 years ago in centreparcs when I said to dh that I'm never going on holiday with MIL again (and therefore MIL cannot holiday with her beloved Gd) until she behaves herself. I was dragging me feet about booking this holiday, but DH somehow persuaded me that it would be a lovely thing to do as it is the last chance for us all to do Borneo (we live in Malaysia). We paid for the room and bills etc. for all of us for the week. Already, before the holiday, I was saying to DH "I hope your Mum behaves herself this time."

So, all through the week, it all seemed OK, she wasn't out and out rude and making sniping comments at me, the worst was her ignoring (or pretending not to hear) me when I tried to make small talk, and the clear disapproval and contempt her face showed (which I chose to ignore) when I was being ultra careful with dd's sun protection (cream, hat, UV vest, avoiding noon time..)......dd fries in minutes in the equatorial sunshine which she is exposed to daily...MIL is a sun worshipper who is hungry for sunshine having just arrived from the UK. We did the beach, the pool and jungle walks accompanied by lots of mosquitoes.

After a week in Borneo, when we all returned to our home, MIL needed DH to sort out the Wi-Fi password for her Tablet plus other techy things, in doing so, DH caught glimpses of the email exchanges between MIL and SIL ....and he is now fuming as well...

Basically, MIL was bitching about me looking like a tramp on holiday with my clothes for the beach and jungle, that I looked liked I "didn't have two pennies to rub together", that I dressed dd like a tramp with scruffy clothes when we went for the jungle walk (she wore a green ranger polo t-shirt, and tracksuit bottoms so that she is covered from the mosquitoes)....that I was "RIDICULOUS" about the sunshine and suncream (she got burnt, dd didn't).

MIL bitched to her daughter about me showing utter contempt for my parenting and what I wore/am, in a perverse way that I think bonds the two of them closer together as some sort of common thing to bitch about iyswim....If ANO could shed like on how the psychology of that works, please enlighten me...She did this, after she has stayed with us in our home, eating my cooking and us having paid for the week's holiday (she paid for the flight to Malaysia).

There is a whole story behind DH 's fall out with SIL over SIL's contesting of deceased FIL's (exH of MIL) will which I shan't go into (by 3rd party adjudicator, it is now settled, and SIL's contest failed). But basically MIL was siding with SIL in the fall out.

Well, thanks for reading this far...not sure what I expect out of this really...I guess WWYD...and I'm still bl@@dy fuming and getting more angry the more I think about it....

APotNoodleandaTommy Mon 21-Jul-14 16:51:31

Is she still there?!

ScrambledSmegs Mon 21-Jul-14 16:54:04

She's vile. Your DH now knows EXACTLY how vile she is (if he didn't before, which I doubt).

So what is he going to do to protect you and your DD from her?

queensansastark Mon 21-Jul-14 16:54:14

No, she flew to Bali today.

eatscakefornoreasonwhatsoever Mon 21-Jul-14 16:54:48

I hope your dh will stand up for you now. This is really unacceptable.

amyhamster Mon 21-Jul-14 16:55:04

At least dh is on your side, that's half the battle won

I'd get him to ring them up & say you've both read the messages & are shocked are bitchy they both are

queensansastark Mon 21-Jul-14 16:55:23

She might be vile to me...but she's very chatty to other people, and dd loves her.

HecatePropylaea Mon 21-Jul-14 16:57:14

So where do you intend to go from here?

MardyBra Mon 21-Jul-14 16:57:43

OK, she shouldn't have bitched about you, but it seems to me that DH was snooping in her email account, which isn't commendable.

HecatePropylaea Mon 21-Jul-14 16:59:29

Im sure your daughter loves you more and does not want to grow up witnessing you being treated with contempt.

Mintyy Mon 21-Jul-14 17:01:28

So sorry, what a horrible relationship to be caught up in.

But at least now you can say with impunity that you will never go on holiday with her again.

asmallandnoisymonkey Mon 21-Jul-14 17:03:53

She sounds like an awful, awful woman.

I actually don't give a hoot that he was 'snooping'. Maybe he needed to see exactly how his wife is being treated to understand how you feel.

I hope he modifies his behaviour from now on to take into account how awful she is and stops pushing you into having a relationship with her.

I'm firmly of the belief that people who behave like this are not entitled to be part of my life purely because of the random fact they happen to be related to me or someone I'm in a relationship with.

You don't have to put up with it, don't let it affect you from now on - if you want your DD to have a relationship with her then by all means, your husband can sort that out but don't feel pressured into it yourself.

LineRunner Mon 21-Jul-14 17:04:51

She'll be chatty to your daughter if she gets the chance ... and not in a good way.

queensansastark Mon 21-Jul-14 17:06:18

@MardyBra...DH wasn't snooping, the emails were down loading as soon as the wi-fi connected...dh was helping MIL's husband with tech stuff, they were doing it together all sat on the sofa.

Where do I go from here? Running out of ideas...but yes, definitely no more holiday together and minimise contact time, which dd will lose out on.

emotionsecho Mon 21-Jul-14 17:07:11

You gave her a chance and she blew it, now your DH has seen the e-mail evidence with his own eyes and is also fuming perhaps the two of you could either (a) confront her about her behaviour or (b) decide the distance between you is a good thing and when she returns to the UK remain aloof and civil and have the bare minimum of contact.

And never, ever, holiday with her again, or indeed invite her to spend time with you.

MardyBra Mon 21-Jul-14 17:08:31

"the emails were down loading as soon as the wi-fi connected"
OK, fair enough.

queensansastark Mon 21-Jul-14 17:08:33

LineRunner Yes, I had exactly the same thoughts...that she'd be chatty to my daughter when she gets older or if she gets more exposure time....

Nomama Mon 21-Jul-14 17:11:06

Will your DH send them both an email saying 'Having been asked to fix DMs tablet you can imagine how horrified I was to find the emails you two have exchanged during what I had thought was a lovely family holiday. You were both unbelievably rude and mum, you were exceptionally ungrateful. I have no idea how I will get over this, but be assured it MUST start with me receiving your apologies.'

Mine wrote something similar to his DB about 15 years ago and had a heated face to face discussion about it. Since then, nothing!

My DH left me out of it. He thought if he said how it made him feel, how he had reacted, why he felt as he did it might have more impact than him trying to defend me.

But at least, like me, you are now officially and permanently free of any obligation to spend time with either of them! DH makes contact every now and then but I am never expected to go with him - they are his, not mine smile

Judgypants73 Mon 21-Jul-14 17:11:53

What an unpleasant woman. Does she know your dh has seen the mails?

APotNoodleandaTommy Mon 21-Jul-14 17:13:34

I would definitely approach this with her. But better if your husband does.

emotionsecho Mon 21-Jul-14 17:17:06

Try not to let her comments regarding you, your clothes, parenting upset you, what exactly is her opinion worth?

Did her husband see the e-mails as well? Did he comment?

I think there are two ways to go from here - have it all out with her, or, just cut contact to the absolute minimum. If she queries why you are not contacting her then your DH can be blunt and tell her exactly what he thinks of the way she has treated his wife.

Your dd isn't really going to lose out, a relationship with your MIL doesn't sound healthy for anyone and as your dd gets older how will you control what is said to her about you behind your back?

If his mother is too toxic for you, she is FAR too toxic for your vulnerable and defenseless child. If she cannot behave decently to you then she should get to see none of you.

Emotional as well as physical distance now needs to be maintained as well as raising your own boundaries regarding her. It is NOT your fault she is the way she is; you did not make her this way (her own family unleashed that lot of damage on her).

MargotLovedTom Mon 21-Jul-14 17:20:11

Surely your DH would have to have actually opened the emails to read them though? They wouldn't just download in all their bitchy glory? And what did MIL's husband say when your DH was reading them? (You said they were all sitting on the sofa together).

Anyway that's by the by. I would stop seeing her tbh. Whether you want to have the full, get it out in the open, discussion is up to you, but I wouldn't waste my time on her any more.

NewtRipley Mon 21-Jul-14 17:21:31

I agree that your DH should be the one to tackle this with her.

NewtRipley Mon 21-Jul-14 17:23:38

Meant to say, I agree with nomama

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