After my partner went off on one?

(172 Posts)
stargirl04 Mon 21-Jul-14 14:45:43

We were leaving my bf's house this morning at 6.40am as he was dropping me off at the station for me to catch a train to work.

We were on a tight schedule and as we came out of the house we saw there was an Ocado van blocking the road so that no vehicles could pass.

My bf started cursing and shouted - rudely and angrily - at the driver: "Oi mate, can you move your van as we need to get past and we're in a hurry".

The driver looked at him as though he were mad, said nothing but finished his delivery and moved the van.

I said nothing but my bf said something like "that f-ing meat head should be parked on the verge so cars can pass, like all the other delivery drivers".

His anger is an issue between us -we've been together 9months. I said: "I don't think you should have shouted at him, you could have asked him nicely".

He said "Oh right, so to up and ask him nicely, then wait for him and make you late for work. Would you prefer that?" etc etc.

The other day I was trying to follow directions on my smartphone and couldn't figure out which way was north, south etc - and he raised his voice at me then, saying "We could have found the way ourselves by now!"

His default response to any kind of pressure or even mild frustration is to lose his temper. He denies shouting but to me his response is quite frightening and hurtful.

Back to the Ocado man, I was embarrassed and felt sorry for him, and I also wondered what the neighbours must think.

Last winter he went ballistic when a neighbour blocked his car in. He called him a f-ing pikey and screamed at him, waving his arms, face red, eyes bulging.

There was a row between him and the neighbour and I ended up trying to calm everyone down.

Regarding this Ocado delivery incident, am I being over-sensitive? My friend says her DH shouts at her sometimes. Am I just being unreasonably thin skinned?

I know he's upset with me now as I haven't heard from him all day, when usually I have by now.

Thanks for reading.

stargirl04 Mon 21-Jul-14 14:47:35

Sorry, I meant ..."go to up and ask him nicely"... etc etc.

Smilesandpiles Mon 21-Jul-14 14:48:12

Red flag.

Run for the hills.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 21-Jul-14 14:49:22

Run. Don't walk.

TurboWithAKick Mon 21-Jul-14 14:49:23

Red flag all over this one.... Sorry

Dump him, he's got anger issues and he's ignoring you as you've stood up to him.

his response is quite frightening and hurtful. that says it all doesn't it.

cailindana Mon 21-Jul-14 14:51:46

Run run run.

There are a lot of stressful situations in life. If you can't trust your partner to be calm and controlled and to help you sort it out then they're not much use to you really are they? You should never feel frightened of your partner.

magimedi Mon 21-Jul-14 14:53:19

He really does not sound like the sort of person I'd want to stay with or contemplate having children with.

He's obviously got anger issues & is a bully.

I don't think you're going to get any different answers here, OP.

Hope you are OK & can think about what to do & your future.

stargirl04 Mon 21-Jul-14 14:54:13

I have anger issues too but have been trying to be a better and calmer person.

I feel like if I leave I will be the world's biggest cow. He says I'm the love of his life - and when things are good he is the best boyfriend I've ever had. He's great - totally there for me and will do anything to make me happy.

Is it really this simple - dump him - when he has done so much for me?

Is asking him to go to anger management counselling not appropriate... just "dump him"?

Smilesandpiles Mon 21-Jul-14 14:54:38

This is going to be one of those rare occations where all of MN agree on something.

He gets angry at strangers for very little provocation.
He gets angry at you for things that are quite ordinary and normal.
He sulks when he is 'upset'
You feel frightened by the way he behaves.

What would you say to a friend in this situation?

It's a long way from someone 'sometimes' getting angry - anger pretty much defines this man, doesn't it?

As others have said, this is not a relationship you should be staying in.

TurboWithAKick Mon 21-Jul-14 14:55:26

How many boyfriends have you had?

I feel like if I leave I will be the world's biggest cow. He says I'm the love of his life

He would say that wouldn't he, does he say it every time you've shown fear when he's lost his temper?

Gruntfuttock Mon 21-Jul-14 14:56:33

Imagine what might happen if you had a baby with this man and he lost his temper because it kept crying or had woken him up. Not worth the risk is it? Leave him.

Does he think there is a problem with his behaviour? If not, no amount of counselling is going to sort this out.

You say you also have problems with anger - ok, but you recognise that, and have taken the responsbility for doing something about it. Has he? Does he?

cailindana Mon 21-Jul-14 14:58:19

No, asking him to go to anger management is not appropriate. If he felt his anger was a problem, he would do something about it himself. Clearly he doesn't think it's a problem. I'm guessing that if you try to talk about it with him he'll somehow blame you for how he acts.

He can tell you you're the love of his life until he's blue in the face. He still treats you badly, so clearly love doesn't really mean much to him, does it?

Smilesandpiles Mon 21-Jul-14 14:58:33

Getting angry to the point your face is red, arms waving about and your eyes are bulging out ISN'T NORMAL and no amount of anger management will help with that.

You are getting answers you didn't want to hear and I doubt they will differ from what has already been said.

Be warned, this relationship and his anger will not make you happy. All the warning signs are there and more...even your excuses to it and his behaviour is something we have all seen before, if not said ourselves...run.

HecatePropylaea Mon 21-Jul-14 14:59:12

What when he turns that temper on you? You already say he shouts and denies it and that you find it frightening.

Do you want to be yelled at and humiliated? Want that for any children?

You wouldn't be a cow if you were to choose to decide that you could not respect someone who treated others with contempt and who had toddler like tantrums.

It wouldn't be unreasonable at all to tell him to sort it out.

Just out of interest, has he lost many jobs by screaming at the company director or been arrested much for kicking off at the police? Or is he able to hold his temper with people who have the power to affect his life?

when he has done so much for me? like what?

Smilesandpiles Mon 21-Jul-14 15:00:36

" he shouts and denies it" Gaslighting, another flag.

EarthWindFire Mon 21-Jul-14 15:04:07

When you say you have anger issues too what do you mean?

Viviennemary Mon 21-Jul-14 15:04:25

I don't think this one incident would make me run for the hills. Does nobody on MN have a temper. I know I do.

Smilesandpiles Mon 21-Jul-14 15:05:23

Vivienne - read the op. It's more than once. It's a few times now.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 21-Jul-14 15:05:40

Um, "he will do anything to make you happy"?

Except sort out his temper?

cailindana Mon 21-Jul-14 15:05:47

It's not one incident Vivienne. And the OP finds it frightening.

"Having a temper" is absolutely no excuse for frightening the people around you.

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