Very long story short exDH and I need to agree on ferrying DD between us. I'm very scared of him, have PTSD because of him & don't want to be anywhere near him. Police or protective orders are not an option. I have to agree to be alone with him for handovers and have him at my house for pick up & drop off or go to his and see him at school events etc. The thought of it alone petrifies me. It's not so much that I think he will say or do something there and then, frankly I'm more likely to given how I feel about him, it's just the thought of being anywhere near him sends me into panic, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I suffer hysterical panic attacks when I think of it, I start catastrophising and thinking terrible black thoughts and having nightmares, I start wanting to escape any way I can... its not good. But I have to agree. How do I do this? Solicitor suggested meeting "outside a police station or McDonald's or somewhere public" - that's not the point! It doesn't matter that it's public, it matters that I'm scared to be near him. He suggested asking for an undertaking but what the hell does a piece of paper do?? We've had them before and he still breaches them constantly and the police say it's a civil matter and the courts do fuck all. Help!
AIBU?
How do I fix an impossible situation?
MrsDowneyJunior · 21/07/2014 12:40
Fucker I've done all that, I've been doing it for 5 years. I have exhausted every option. The DV support teams do what they can but it's down to the courts to make final decisions at the end of the day and they are the problem. I'm not going to be awarded any more orders and applying just makes me look worse now. They are not an option. The only option I can see is be unsafe and make myself ill with the stress and fear and let DD pick up on it at every handover. I can't guarantee a friend present for every single handover and it's too much to ask and regardless it's not a solution to the 3 day panic attacks I currently have when I have to be in the same vicinity as him. 
It also isn't a long term solution. She's only 8 & this is going to be a problem till she's 17 and driving herself between us.
Fucker it won't help. You're right that's what they're there for but it's not always what they do when faced with a charming, polite, educated middle class doctor with loads of people around him saying what a lovely and innocent guy he is. It is not an option.
I have asked exDH before to agree to use a childminder for ferrying & he refused. I can't afford it and Mr £60k per year is so tight he shits diamonds.
Contact centres are an option I guess but they're so grim round here, seen a few and they're horrible places. And I wouldn't want to take her there, leave her with a receptionist and walk away then he arrives later to collect. Plus we had a similar system before and he'd hang around round the corner to spy on me and would purposefully be late/early regardless of orders at the time.
Sorry you're just not getting it. I'm not scared of being hit, I'm used to it & if he did I'd have evidence to get him at last. I'm scared of the thought of even being in the same town as him, the thought alone sends me into a 3 day panic attack where I literally cannot function. It's happening now just thinking about it. I have a new baby on the way, no father, how can I look after her and an 8 year old if I'm in permanent hysteria from building up to or coming down from contact with him, any kind of contact - verbal, written, face to face etc. No professionals will help me and all help him and claim my fear is emotionally abusive to DD, rather than dealing with his actions, past and present, causing my fear. In the first place and helping me to be safe from him. Forget it. There's no solution that is good for me and DD and no help to be found that I wouldn't have to pay for and could rely on. It's impossible to advise when you can't fathom what PTSD is like. It's not a case of get someone else to do it or be in public.
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