to ask DH to miss the birth of our second child?

(142 Posts)
PupInBoots Sat 19-Jul-14 23:56:32

When I found out I was pregnant with DC2, MIL offered to have our DD while I was giving birth. DD is almost 2 and not used to PIL at all - they only live 45 mins away but rarely visit. DH works a lot of weekends so we can't get over there much, plus PIL enjoy caravanning and are often away at weekends. I'm now 32 weeks and PIL have seen us once during the pregnancy, they've cancelled twice and are away three times between now and my due date so we'll probably see them once more at most.

DD won't even stay in the same room as them without DH and I, or let them pick her up or anything. She cannot talk and they don't have a clue about her sounds and preferences for anything. MIL is quite impatient and to be honest, DD is quite high maintenance, and the two just don't mix without DD becoming inconsolable.

We're 45 mins from hospital on a good run which can increase to double that in rush hour - I feel it's too far to feel comfortable having a home birth just in case anything went wrong. When I had DD, DH and I checked in and got checked out at the hospital then went for lunch/a walk/ice cream while trying to move things along. When I went back in to hospital, DD was born 15 mins later.

I just don't feel happy at the idea of DD being left with PIL as I know she won't be happy and worry it'll taint the whole having a sibling experience for her. DH has said he's worried because PIL haven't made much effort to see her and get her used to them. Would I be being unreasonable if I asked DH if we could aim for a similar day to last time - I.e. Where we're in the vicinity of the hospital but I just go in for the birth, and that DD comes with us and he misses the birth to stay with her? There's no one else we can ask to have her and DH is the only person besides me that I can be comfortable she's happy with.

SquattingNeville Sun 20-Jul-14 00:00:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gruntfuttock Sun 20-Jul-14 00:01:25

I think your suggestion is excellent and the best solution. Have you discussed this with him? I'd be surprised if he wasn't in agreement with you.

noblegiraffe Sun 20-Jul-14 00:03:09

What is your back-up plan if it's the middle of the night or takes longer than expected or you need a c-section?

Molio Sun 20-Jul-14 00:05:18

Sounds fine. He should be wherever you think he's most needed, in the place which makes you feel safest and most reassured.

PupInBoots Sun 20-Jul-14 00:07:04

I haven't mentioned it yet as I imagine PIL won't be happy and I'm effectively saying they aren't good enough to care for DD, which he/they could take personally. I think it's important for DD to be as relaxed around the birth/baby as possible and that if I'm willing to give birth alone to ensure this then it's not too much to ask him to miss it, but I can see why he'd be upset.

I'm no contact with my parents and there really is one (at best) opportunity for DD and PIL to see one another before due date which isn't going to be enough

ElephantsNeverForgive Sun 20-Jul-14 00:07:55

I think you are being a bit PFB, DD is going to bave to become lower maintenance when she becomes DD1

PupInBoots Sun 20-Jul-14 00:09:04

If it took longer or required a c-section, DD would still be in the best place. If I went into labour in the middle of the night I'd hold out as long as possible before waking DD or else get a taxi to hospital.

Galvanized Sun 20-Jul-14 00:09:06

Do you have any friends or family your DD is happy with? Even mums with kids who are occasional play mates, i know other mums who really would go the extra mile. It's a tough one, wouldn't you rather have a birth partner?

Molio Sun 20-Jul-14 00:09:06

In the middle of the night the DD can be scooped up, popped into the car, OP can be dropped off at the unit and the DH and DD can return home. Not a big deal. Not sure why he should be there with a C-section any more than at a vaginal birth.

SiennaBlake Sun 20-Jul-14 00:10:31

If you are going to be worrying about dd during the birth, it's best she's somewhere you feel happy with.

Molio Sun 20-Jul-14 00:11:07

OP he may be very relieved. Plenty of men apparently have no desire whatsoever to be at the birth.

mrsmuffintop Sun 20-Jul-14 00:12:05

YABU. Your DD might get a bit upset for one single day being with her grandparents, but she will be perfectly safe and looked after. She will have no recollection of it in years to come. It won't "taint the having a sibling experience".

Your DH will know and probably regret for ever that he missed the birth of his second child. Unfair to him.

Your second child might be upset in the future that you prioritised his/her older sister to the point where his/her father didn't attend his/her own birth.

My 2 yo DD stayed with my MIL (who she is not very close to) for the day of and the after my second child's birth. She was not that thrilled about it, and made quite a fuss, but was fine. I wouldn't have let DH miss our second DD's birth for the world, it meant so much to both of us.

Blondieminx Sun 20-Jul-14 00:12:13

would you consider a home birth? Then you'd have no journey time and if DD happened to sleep though the whole thing if you labour quickly again then it really could be a brilliant option for you?

PupInBoots Sun 20-Jul-14 00:13:14

She's fine for me elephants, but obviously because I know her and PIL don't really. For example - if she had a minor fall over, I would wait and see if she'd get up before saying anything as often she just brushes it off and carries on. MIL would rush over and pick her up and try and cuddle her (natural, I know, but DD would hate this) and DD would cry and fuss wanting to get down but MIL would presume she's crying because of the fall, hold onto her for a minute or so then put her down and tell her she's crying too much now and being stupid hmm

Misfitless Sun 20-Jul-14 00:14:40

Elephant, I agree, but I completely understand Pup's thinking, and it sounds like the best solution to me.

You just do not need the stress of worrying about your DD whilst giving birth. Your wishes must take priority, I think.

The experience of having to stay with your PIL could make DD feel insecure, resentful, and result in her becoming more clingy at the very time that OP needs that least.

I hope your DH is understanding and supportive. Let us know how he feels!

PupInBoots Sun 20-Jul-14 00:16:34

I disagree mrsmuffin, if DD has been distraught for likely 24+ hours she'll associate that upset with the baby and cling to me for dear life when I return, making the whole thing a lot more difficult.

I worry that the hospital is too far for a homebirth if anything went wrong Blondie.

Galvanized Sun 20-Jul-14 00:17:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCakesPremonition Sun 20-Jul-14 00:17:51

I can't anticipate how your DH will react. However it isn't unreasonable for him to get more involved in the planning, whether that is enabling his parents to see DD over the next few weeks, or finding an alternative carer, or making plans for how he can care for DD. Ask him to find the solution.

I'd also explore the idea of a homebirth. Your DD arrived very quickly by the sound of it and second babies can be even quicker to arrive so it may be that staying at home rather than trying to drive for 45mins is the safer option.

Boysclothes Sun 20-Jul-14 00:19:25

You're 45 minutes from hospital on a good run with a very fast labour first time?

You need to book a home birth. I understand your concerns re the travel time, but better for everyone if you give birth at home with midwives and paramedics in attendance in case of problems than on the side of the road with DH and DD in attendance.

PupInBoots Sun 20-Jul-14 00:20:08

DD wasn't actually that quick - I was having regular contractions for 17 hrs before she was born but didn't want to be confined to the hospital room so did lots of walking to encourage my waters to go. Once they did she was born in under ten mins!

MrsCakesPremonition Sun 20-Jul-14 00:20:24

I've just read the bit about her being distraught for 24 hours. If she can genuinely maintain that level of crying for that long with no distractions (favourite food for tea; special bubbles at bath time; going to sleep for a few hours) then you have my heartfelt sympathy (and I think you need to start doing something to help her control her behaviour).

slithytove Sun 20-Jul-14 00:21:43

Pup - where will your DSDs go if you have them while in labour? Could whoever is having them, have DD?

Would have thought DH would need to stay home with them if it's a contact weekend anyway.

gamescompendium Sun 20-Jul-14 00:22:24

I think it's fine if you both agree it's the best option. is it worth your DH talking to your PILs to say 'look, you need to step up to the mark and spend more time with DD if you want to look after her during the birth' or will they not listen?

FWIW I was so worried about who was going to look after DD1 (18 months) when DD2 was born. Dad was very ill and Mum wasn't sure if she could come down. But thankfully she could and DD1 had a lovely day with her grandparents (despite not having seen them for months). And she was very excited to meet her new sister the next day.

PupInBoots Sun 20-Jul-14 00:22:59

It's suspected she may have ASD MrsCakes. She isn't like that for me, but plonking her with virtual strangers who don't understand her is bound to be extremely hard on her.

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