to let him stay?

(53 Posts)
macdoodle Sat 19-Jul-14 00:20:55

God I hope I dont live to regret this.
My almost 13 yr old DD1 has a male 15 yr old "friend" (another story that I have posted about before).
His mother kept kicking him out. Social services were involved and all seemed to settle.
Half an hour ago, I discovered that he has been kicked out again tonight and is currently wandering the streets in a less salubrious part of our city.
I spoke to him and he is tearful and shaky and kept apologising for being a pain. He says he has been locked out and cant go home. He has tried a few friends houses but they are either asleep or not answering. He wont go to the police.
I currently have my DD1 and her best friend sleeping here, and my 6yr old DD2.
I cannot allow this child to remain on the streets, I just cannot. And how his mother can sleep knowing he is out wandering around I just cannot grasp at all (no matter what he has done). So I have said he can come and sleep here tonight.
This makes me uncomfortable for a number of reasons, but I just cannot ignore this situation. We have a spare room but it is upstairs next door to mine and DD2's room and would prefer he wasn't up here. So I have said he can sleep on the sofa downstairs, which is next door to DD1's room.
To complicate matters, a friend of DD2 is being dropped off at 9 and my ex coming to collect the little ones to take to a party. So he must be gone by then.
He is about half an hours walk away so I have come to bed but my door is open so I can listen out.I have warned my daughter that this is a huge amount of trust on my part, and if they break it,there will be serious consequences.
I dont think I had a choice tonight.

trufflesnout Sat 19-Jul-14 00:22:32

Crap, I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Take it he's already on his way over? I'd let him have the sofa for one night only - I definitely would not let this slip into a regular thing.

Ceadagam Sat 19-Jul-14 00:26:19

You're in a tough situation. What has he done or does he keep doing for his mother to wash her hands of him? I can't ever imagine been able to do that:-(

Can you move all the other kids upstairs for tonight?

macdoodle Sat 19-Jul-14 00:31:04

I dont know the mother at all, so I would hate to comment.
From what DD1 says it doesnt sound terrible, but I am aware I am only getting one very biased side of the story. I have met and spoken to him a couple of times and he honestly doesnt come across badly at all. So I dont know.
But letting a 15yr old lad wander about a pretty rough area of the city and not knowing where he is throws me. He sounded pretty shaken when I spoke to him. Previously he has always stayed at one of his male/same age friends. I suspect the realisation that he had no where to go and would have to spend the night on the street really scared him. How can you do that to your child?

ColdCottage Sat 19-Jul-14 00:36:47

I would bring you smallest one up into your bed as if she wakes up she might be a little scared to find a man (in her eyes) in the house.
I wouldn't chuck him out in the morning I would call social services and ask them to find him a bed for tomorrow night and hopefully a resolution with his mother.
Glad your older daughter has a friend with her, reduced chance of him joining her, though he sounds shaken up so doubt he'd even think of that even if he might normally.
Good luck.

trufflesnout Sat 19-Jul-14 00:41:17

How can you do that to your child? I know macdoodle, makes me hope maybe mum was overreacting and not that he has the capacity to be truly nasty...

SS do need to be made aware. The whole thing is pretty unsafe.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Jul-14 00:45:44

Like you say, you don't know what's going on really so the mum could be as worried as you'd be, even if she's kicked him out lots of times.

Unless she genuinely doesn't give a bollocks about him (which would be unusual) it must be pretty bad for her to not want him at home. You say it's nothing terrible, but you're very concerned about being asleep and out of control while he's in the house with your children. Does that concern come from a general looking out for your children or have you got something specific in mind that you think he might do?

I would feel crap about seeing a 15 YO in that situation too but I'm not sure I'd take him back home with me.

What about your DDs sleepover friends parents? You've taken the decision that it's OK for their child to stay with him too, would you be OK with that if it was reversed?

macdoodle Sat 19-Jul-14 00:49:14

Yup all of those issues. I dont however think he is a risk or will do anything, it's just a general feeling of unease. It's too late to call the other mum, I have no way to contact his mum and ime would have no luck with social services now. I would just like everyone to get some sleep and I will call social services in the morning.

macdoodle Sat 19-Jul-14 00:51:16

The mother has done this a number of times, it seems her rresponse to any problems is to tell him she doesnt want him back and lock him out. I am trying not to judge but it's not great is it.

trufflesnout Sat 19-Jul-14 00:54:57

Also - if you have never spoken to the mother, you don't actually know that he was kicked out by her. He could have stormed off after being a dick and she refuses to let him back in or he refuses to return and prefers a mates house.

Not that I want to see the worst in him, but you have your very young daughters in that house and other people's children too - and he has form for being however he is around his mother. I wouldn't be too happy if I were the mother of one of your DD's friends.

trufflesnout Sat 19-Jul-14 00:56:22

TBH I would get his mums number off him and call her - 1am or not.

Mrsrochesterscat Sat 19-Jul-14 01:02:08

OP - you need to call the out of hours social services. They will ask you if you can accommodate him tonight and send somebody out to him in the morning. They can look into whatever support his family may need. Do not agree to take him for the whole weekend. They will push you for this, and say they can't accommodate him. They can.

You also need to call 101 and check that he is not running from the police (which may be why he is not staying at a usual haunt).

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Jul-14 01:03:13

Yeah, I'd probably get his mums phone number off him too, you're already involved and she might be able to give you a better idea of the situation.

Happy36 Sat 19-Jul-14 01:05:39

I would do what you have done.

Can you speak to his parents about the situation tomorrow or in the near future? If not then I think you should explain to him that you must let social services know what has been happening.

Mrsrochesterscat Sat 19-Jul-14 01:06:05

If he is out this late and has run off after an argument the police will already be aware and looking for him. If they are not, then there Is probably something not quite right about his mum, in which case I wouldn't call her - you don't know what the kick-back might be.

oneperfectlimousine Sat 19-Jul-14 02:08:23

If it helps - the boy may not have done anything. my mother used to behave a lot like this. The first time she threw me out I was 13 and the crime was that my homework was messy. Done, but not neat, and the working showed on the maths work.

I really wish I'd had someone like you around. I hadn't a clue where to go for help and so just had to live with it.

GarlicJulyKit Sat 19-Jul-14 02:21:14

My parents used to do this. I stayed with all sorts of people, most of them nice but some very skin-of-teeth. In case you're wondering, my crime would be something like running a tap when Dad was trying to sleep (he didn't like me much.) I understand your concerns, but am really bloody glad you've got the humanity to take him in.

Oneperfect, just seen your post above! 13 shock Heck, yours was worse than mine flowers

HollyGuacamolly Sat 19-Jul-14 02:28:20

thanks for you OP.

Obviously I don't know the full background to his story but it sounds like this boy may be in an abusive situation. You are stopping a vulnerable young boy from sleeping on the streets tonight.

This is particularly personal to me because a friend of mine was thrown out for "no reason" at 14 and after two nights on the streets she was offered heroin and subsequent became addicted and I'm sure you can guess the rest.....

The world needs more people like you OP, too many people just turn their backs in these situations, but you have the compassion to help a virtual stranger thanks.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 19-Jul-14 03:29:49

Been there, done that a few times. I had always told my sons that the conditions were that we would take in their friends as long as they were willing for us to call the parents & let them know where they were. No discussion, no questions, no interference, just 'XXX is safe and with us tonight'. For whatever reason, ours seemed to be the 'safe house' for their friends after arguments.

As far as sleeping arrangements, since I was dealing with all boys there wasn't a problem. But if you are truly concerned, why don't you have DD1 and friend sleep in the spare room next to yours tonight, while your guest sleeps downstairs.

You are doing a good thing. Many years later one of those 'lost boys' told me that we'd saved his life because he had actually thought of committing suicide the night his father hit him and then sent him out in the rain.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sat 19-Jul-14 03:39:15

Across This is a long way ahead for me at the moment (kids are 4 and 1) but I really want to be like you when mine are teens.

Op - hope all is ok. flowers

expatinscotland Sat 19-Jul-14 04:21:49

Hope it works out. I probably would have got him a hotel room if I could afford it.

macdoodle Sat 19-Jul-14 07:15:46

This boy was pretty distressed when he finally arrived its been tthundering and lightening all night. It was too late really to call anyone when he got here, so everyone went to be bed and sleep.
Little one woke me up and is in my bed watching on the kindle. I will give them all half hour then wake them up, and call his mother and social services.
I am not prepared to think the worst of a crying distressed 15 yr old at almost 2am. We will see what this morning brings.

macdoodle Sat 19-Jul-14 07:18:28

To those who had experiences similar thank you for sharing it helped me to make what I believe the right decision.
My upbringing was not great though not as bad but I often "left" to avoid the fighting and abuse from my dad. I had somewhere to go, my best friends family always took me in and I can't imagine not having somewhere safe to go.
Sadly I work in the medical fiield and my expectations of practical help from ss last night was not great.

oneperfectlimousine Sat 19-Jul-14 09:51:18

thanks Garlic, I'm sorry you had to deal with that as well.

OP - I'm glad he made it, and hope you all managed to get some sleep. Poor kid, I hope SS are able to help him. I think you're doing the right thing.

Pond, that was really kind of you - I'm so glad there are people like you and Macdoodle around to help these children.

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