to say enough is enough

(62 Posts)
attheendofmyteatheragain Thu 17-Jul-14 23:33:10

this is my third thread this week, and relates to the others but I need more opinions, I'm being treated like crap yet am somehow racked with guilt.

exp is withholding child maintenance from me this month (and has tried it before a few times before). over a dispute about travel and Christmas day. ie if I don't agree to what he wants he won't give me cm.

I have contacted child maintenance service so the ball can start rolling with getting what I am legally entitled to. however in the meantime I have been left short and had to borrow to pay the childcare invoice etc for this month angry

I've had enough of his bullying, and am so angry at the position he has put me in. we live about a 35 minute drive away from each other. up until three weeks ago, every weekend I dropped off DS to exps doorstep, and collected him too, as he lived near my work, I was struggling with the cost of petrol every month though going to and from work so when a job opportunity came up which was much closer to me I jumped at it, got the job, but now exp is not pleased as it means he now has to drive to see DS.

we had been meeting at a half way point, on Fri and Sun. but exp suddenly decided this wasn't working for him anymore, told me he would do one full trip down and that I could do the other then said he wants an answer right there and then whether I agree and he also wants DS on Christmas day (and an answer right there and then) I suggested we chat about it properly the following week when I have more time, he then cuts cm as that is not a good enough answer. charming.

aibu to completely wash my hands of him? he wants me to help out with travel costs but then won't pay cm! I want to stop running around after him. exp ended it with me via text when I was 5months pregnant (he had an ow) he has attempted to blackmail me a few times to get his own way. and I cannot stand the sight of him. I would never withhold access to DS of course, but tell him
that I no longer wish to help out with travel, after all, he is a wealthy man, with a car, and I do all the hard work with DS throughout the week. Why should I continue to run around to help out exp at the weekends too? if he wants access he can come collect and drop off

I know however what exp is like and will not take this lying down, so he will want mediation/lawyers involved to make sure he gets what he wants. and he will stop at nothing. but I'm well and truly fed up, and have had enough

YouTheCat Thu 17-Jul-14 23:37:40

You aren't withholding access. If he wants to see his son then he needs to make the effort.

Let him involve lawyers and spend a fortune.

Lweji Thu 17-Jul-14 23:45:21

yanbu

He's used to having an easy life and getting what he wants at your expense. If he stops seeing the children it's his loss.

attheendofmyteatheragain Thu 17-Jul-14 23:50:57

thank you. I am however not looking forward to the repercussions. he will definitely not agree to doing all the travel himself, and I'm terrified of what court etc may cost me, but like I said, I do everything for DS midweek, whilst working, it's hard. surely his time for DS can involve the do and pu

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Thu 17-Jul-14 23:55:56

Yanbu stick to your guns or he will continue to to take the piss. And well done re surviving the break up, your new job and raising your ds alone; sounds like you're doing a great job

YouTheCat Thu 17-Jul-14 23:58:01

He'll either spend a fortune over it (and probably get no where as you aren't stopping him from seeing your ds anyway).

Or he'll slink off and do bugger all because none of this is about being a good dad and spending time with his son. It's all power games and making your life difficult.

Namechangearoonie123 Thu 17-Jul-14 23:59:42

Represent yourself

I'd bet money he won't bother. If he's not paying maintenance of course you can't afford to pay for petrol to facilitate contact

Bogeyface Fri 18-Jul-14 00:04:21

You can self represent in court.

As long as you tell the truth then you will be fine. You are not withholding access, he is withholding CM. You are not being obstructive, he is. He is not being asked to drive the length of the UK to see his son, half an hour or so would not be considered unreasonalbe.

If he hasnt emailed or texted that he is with holding etc then try and get him to. Having emails or texts that prove what he is doing will help.

This isnt about access or CM, but about control. He is losing control and he doesnt like it. Dont give in. Let him take you to court and let him pay the costs when he loses.

Bogeyface Fri 18-Jul-14 00:05:40

However, word to the wise. Be prepared to not get any CM from him once he realises you are going via the CSA. It will take several months for them to assess, try to engage with him and then get it taken from his wages at source. Try and plan ahead for the months you will go without.

ICanSeeTheSun Fri 18-Jul-14 00:10:29

https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

I would get a residency order which states DS lives with you, so ex can't mess around and not bring him back. Believe me it happens.

attheendofmyteatheragain Fri 18-Jul-14 09:51:10

oh I don't think I could represent myself, I'd be a nervous wreck! I moved house the same week I started my new job. as we were meeting half way I never mentioned what my address was, so he doesn't know where I live. which I suppose I'll have to tell him. think I nay send a msg to his brother instead though, as I don't want any contact with exp at all. and I doubt his brother would know he is withholding cm so perhaps he would sort him out.

attheendofmyteatheragain Sat 19-Jul-14 08:41:30

someone please talk to me, I'm distraught. exp has admitted he is not working anymore, so is more than happy for me to go through csa

I had a feeling he had quit work, and on purpose, so that he wouldn't have to pay me cm

the cm I got from him meant I could work, as I could pay childcare. without cm , I simply cannot afford to pay it angrysadangrysad I don't know what to do

WipsGlitter Sat 19-Jul-14 08:45:03

Have you checked you are claiming everything you are entitled so? Tax credits etc?

puntasticusername Sat 19-Jul-14 08:45:49

I'm sorry, I have no helpful advice but please take my hand to hold! I'm sure someone will be along soon with more tangible help. All the best thanks

LuisSuarezTeeth Sat 19-Jul-14 08:47:15

You should be able to get help with child care costs via tax credits - are you already claiming?

Jengnr Sat 19-Jul-14 08:47:32

Have you claimed tax credits? They should pay a large chunk of your childcare.

LuisSuarezTeeth Sat 19-Jul-14 08:48:06

Sorry, x post with Wips

Jengnr Sat 19-Jul-14 08:49:35

Cross posted with everyone. Go on gov.uk > benefits > benefits entitlement > entiledto and you should be able to see what you can claim.

greenfolder Sat 19-Jul-14 08:50:11

but has he really stopped working, or is he just saying that to mess with your head? what is he living off?

there is a phrase "you cant reason with an unreasonable person" so stop trying to with immediate effect.

if he wants contact with son, he can travel to him (really only 35 mins, thats barely getting in the car). You are going to put him through CSA regardless of what he says.

look at benefits/budgets etc. find a way to live without him.

mindthegap79 Sat 19-Jul-14 08:53:36

I'm so sorry about your situation. I don't have any experience of this but just wanted to reiterate that it sounds like you're doing a great job and your ex is a twat.

Everything you're doing, you're doing to give your DS the best you possibly can. Hopefully thinking about that will give you the strength to represent yourself if it comes to that!

thanks

Icimoi Sat 19-Jul-14 08:54:25

At least if he's not working and can't afford to pay cm then you know he can't afford to pay lawyers. If he does, one of the first questions the judge will ask is where the money comes from and why it can't be used for maintenance and petrol costs.

NatashaBee Sat 19-Jul-14 08:54:56

Don't cancel the CM claim. He may be lying about giving up work, presumably he will need to work eventually and when he does he will be liable for a higher amount. Just keep reiterating that your DS is available for him to pick up but due to lack of money and new job you can't help with the drop offs at this time.

NumTumDeDum Sat 19-Jul-14 08:55:41

He's pulled the same trick my ex husband did. He's happy as larry on benefits, which meant I had to give up my job as I couldn't afford to live in central london, pay childcare and eat, and moving further out was impractical. I had to move back in with my mum two counties away and start rebuilding from scratch. If you can just about afford to stay in work then do so, becauae once you're out of work it's much harder to get back into it. Think about reducing your housing costs, either downsizing or moving to cheaper property, or taking in a lodger if you have a spare bedroom. Make sure you have claimed absolutely everything you're entitled to.

The silver lining is that he won't now be making any court applications because he won't get legal aid and so you can now try and agree arrangements without that threat hanging over your head.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You'll get through it, but it is hard.

attheendofmyteatheragain Sat 19-Jul-14 09:51:38

when I moved house three weeks ago, I moved in with my partner. I have cancelled my claims for all benefits and am no longer entitled to anything. however, dp doesn't earn a particularly great wage. we worked out our finances before moving in (with cm included) and discovered things were going to be pretty tight. so this is going to have such a huge effect on the finances sad

how can men be so evil? all because I wasn't keen on changing the plan on Christmas day, and his idea on the travel arrangements. he will absolutely think I deserve this. I hope to god DS does not turn out to be like himsad sad

attheendofmyteatheragain Sat 19-Jul-14 10:01:11

I actually feel like giving in to him, which I know I shouldn't. but I really, really need that sad sad

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