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AIBU?

About prying friend and my DH?

41 replies

farendofafart · 14/07/2014 14:34

Some background:

DH and I are having some difficulties and are in fact planning to separate. One of my friends is being a good listener and rings me nearly every day to check how I am and be supportive. This particular friend has been friendly with H in the past (although she is primarily my friend) but they recently had couple of disagreements so they haven't spoken for months.

Fast forward to a few days ago - she had a long phone conversation with H (she had phoned to speak to me but I was out). They both told me separately that they had talked about our relationship but that the conversation was private so they didn't want to divulge details of what had been said. I was curious but accepted that.

So today my friend asked me a fairly direct question about our sex life which made me suspicious that H has told her something (I'd rather not go into details here). But she phrased it in such a way as to make it sound innocent. I evaded the question and later phoned H to ask him if he'd told her this thing - he immediately admitted he had and was apologetic for doing so. I'm annoyed with him because she is my friend and I hadn't chosen to tell her this this thing, but at least he has admitted and apologised.

But I don't know what to think about my friend's behaviour. The way she phrased her question to me was really leading and made me feel quite uncomfortable. But I suppose she was given this information by him, and that's hardly her fault, yet I feel she is prying now, trying to get the truth out of me by stealth means.

Or maybe she was just trying to open the doors of communication and let me know I could talk to her about that if I wanted. But the way she phrased it was just so ... leading somehow. Like she was inviting me to lie to her or fess up.

Sorry if it's all a bit vague. I don't know what to think of either of them over this (why would H tell her that when they don't even get along most of the time and she's my friend?) but I'm particularly puzzled by her. In her shoes I would have taken what he said in confidence and left well alone - not pried friend for some disclosure.

What do you think? What would you do?

OP posts:

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/07/2014 14:38

Either she is trying to act as an informal mediator (which I think will end in tears) or she is enjoying being the one with the knowledge stuck in the middle.

The only other possibility is that she didn't know whether or not to believe your DH so was double checking in case he was lying to make his version of events seem better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2014 14:40

You don't think DH and the friend find each other attractive, do you? This talking about sex and keeping secrets sounds off to me.

ConfusedAndUnwanted · 14/07/2014 14:40

She seriously needs to take a step back int his, nothing good can come of it

AMumInScotland · 14/07/2014 14:46

I think your friend is getting a bit 'over invested' in the details of your split, tbh. If it was me, someone phoning almost every day for an update wouldn't feel that supportive either...

I'd be keeping her a little more at arms length - if I was in her position, and a friend's DH started to talk about intimate details my friend hadn't mentioned, I'd have politely suggested that he shut up about it as it puts her in a difficult position.

But it sounds like she was happy to hear the gory details, and then prod you for more. Not good.

farendofafart · 14/07/2014 14:48

AmuminScotland, that's exactly how I feel about it.

I'm certain they are not attracted to each other.

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 14/07/2014 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phoenix2014 · 14/07/2014 14:53

She sounds too... involved!
She seriously needs to back off.

doziedoozie · 14/07/2014 14:54

You need her like a hole in the head I think.

How did she get DH to discuss your sex issues, does he usually speak about them to random people?

NoodleOodle · 14/07/2014 14:54

If it were my friend, I would consider that she had crossed the line and wouldn't want her to get any further involved in the details, or to have conversations with him privately.

farendofafart · 14/07/2014 14:56

The disagreements happened right in front of me so they are not dodgy. I promise they are not nor have they ever had a dalliance of any kind.

OP posts:

WallyBantersJunkBox · 14/07/2014 14:57

I would like to try to think positively that perhaps she was looking for an inroad to tell you that your DH was discussing inappropriate details, but as you mentioned earlier in your thread they both insisted it was none of your business.

I would tell your husband to talk to his own family or friends if he needs to offload.

I probably wouldn't confide in her again, I'd be worried she was dropping in information to my DH in the same way tbh.

capitalc · 14/07/2014 14:58

farendofafart i would of bet my life my ex didnt find my friend attractive they hide it well . my friend also rang for daily updates on our relationship then jumped in being his friend when it was rocky , caught them out on chat history .

farendofafart · 14/07/2014 15:00

No I don't think this is usual conversation fodder for H. But she is very easy to talk to and does ask a lot of questions. He may have been trying to find out what I'd told her - I dunno. Will quiz him more about it later.

OP posts:

TheFirmament · 14/07/2014 15:02

Yuck, I don't like the sound of what she's up to. If it's innocent, then she just likes the drama which is not a nice way to treat you.

DP may discuss aspects of our relationship with his friends but I don't want to know about it - it is an unspoken rule that they may know things about me but would never mention it. (And vice versa, for example, I know a friend of his had an affair, but I DON'T tell the friend, or his wife who I also know, that I'm aware of this).

But I would be furious if he discussed things like that with a friend of mine and that friend then wanted to pry into things they knew about me as a result. Totally out of order of both of them.

I'd just back off a bit from her and confide in other friends.

FannyFifer · 14/07/2014 15:04

She is after your husband, I'd put money on it.
Why did they "fall out" previously?
All sounds odd tbh.

AgathaF · 14/07/2014 15:07

Can you tell her that you know that your STBex has said some indiscreet things about your sex life, and that you'd rather not discuss them with anyone outside of your relationship. At least then you all know what is or isn't off limits.

As others have said, she does sound over invested in your split. A difficult situation for all of you, but she needs to understand what supporting you entails, which is not prying or digging.

coppertop · 14/07/2014 15:17

She's treating your life as though it's a storyline in a soap, wanting daily updates. My guess is that she was no longer getting enough of a 'fix' from you and so has moved on to your dh to find fresh material.

I would avoid her whenever possible tbh.

farendofafart · 14/07/2014 16:44

She's not after him. She is happily married. I realise you can never be 100% certain about these things but I'm as sure as I can be.

OP posts:

DifferentNow · 14/07/2014 16:56

I also think it sounds dodgy but either way, she is interfering in your relationship and needs to get a life. Remind her of her place and tell your H to stop discussing your relationship with her.

WineAndChocolateyummy · 14/07/2014 17:01

As a happily married friend of both of you, she is also possibly quite upset about seeing a marriage not working and does want to be there for both of you (falling out with hubby aside). I think if I were in a similar situation. I always favour the direct honest approach, so there can be no misunderstandings. Tell her you don't like that she discussed something private - if you want to talk about it you will. You took it up with H and got an apology. At a hard time, you need a friend you can trust.

JeanSeberg · 14/07/2014 17:08

So they haven't spoken for months yet the first time they do is to discuss your sex life?

Right...

If they don't speak, how come they suddenly had this big heart to heart....?

They both sound dodgy as fuck.

Baaaaaaaaaaaa · 14/07/2014 17:15

I'm totally gobsmacked that your STBEH and 'friend' can have a discussion about you, which involves highly personal information, and they tell you it's secret and they're not discussing it with you.

There's something severely screwed up about that!

She's definitely sniffing about. Watch. Your. Back.

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ChasedByBees · 14/07/2014 17:17

I think she's just enjoying the power of knowing about the details. Which is pretty distasteful.

Proclean · 14/07/2014 17:25

I once had a friend like this! She ended up betraying me horribly! Be very careful of this woman's motivation.

JeggingsHateMe · 14/07/2014 18:24

I can't imagine how a conversation between them got on to the subject of sex.

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