to think parenting should be easier with two parents than one?

[PupInBoots]

Have namechanged for this as DH knows my username.

We have an almost two year old daughter together and I feel like he is constantly making life for DD and I more difficult. I'm pregnant though, so aware I could be overreacting. Some examples are:

DD didn't eat solids until she was 14 months old because she hated having messy hands/wanted to feed herself but couldn't without getting messy hands. I worked hard to get her out of this and she began feeding herself and eating well and was really pleased with herself. However, when DH looked after her he fed her with a fork making train noises etc. She then refused to feed herself for days. I told him this yet last night, he was putting bits of food in her mouth for her. Surprise surprise, today she refuses to eat unless I feed her.

We have a big dog who needs lots of exercise so I tend to go for a bike ride with DD so we can cover more miles. DH decided to take her to the shop on the bike at the weekend and told her not to worry about putting her helmet on. So now she won't wear it because daddy said she doesn't need to and I refuse to ride without her having it on, therefore it takes three times as long to walk our dog instead.

DH will carry DD constantly, even from one room to another in the house. She then expects me to do the same, which obviously results in upset when I encourage her to walk.

With the baby on the way, I'm trying to encourage DD to be more independent. For example, there's a mini climbing wall at our local park which goes up to the slide. I've encouraged her to learn how to climb it so I can just supervise her rather than have to physically lift her which will be difficult if I'm holding/feeding baby. She was really proud of herself for doing it and we told DH this. The next thing, I turn around and he's lifting her to the top instead of letting her climb! She now won't climb it.

If we're in a car park, I'll ask her to hold hands. Mostly she will, but if she doesn't want to then she has the option of the pushchair or else it's one occasion I will carry her briefly. DH will ask, she'll refuse and he'll just follow her through it, pulling her around if need be. Cue next time she massively kicks off for me because I insist she can't walk alone.

These are just a few of many examples. I know people will say different parents have different ways and children will get used to it, but she's almost 2 and she isn't. If he does something once (like telling her she doesn't need the helmet on the bike) then it causes problems for weeks for me until she realises I won't give in. He's then likely to just do it again, so there's all that upset for nothing.

He knows I've been encouraging her to walk rather than be carried as the main thing before baby is born. On Saturday she was messing around getting in and out of the pushchair but not walking so I folded the pushchair up and told her she could not hold my hand and walk if she wasn't using the pushchair properly. As she approached me with her hand out to hold mine, DH (who had stood and watched in silence for the last ten mins while DD messed around) said 'shall I carry her?' I could've screamed.

AIBU to think parenting should be easier when there's two parents?

[PupInBoots]

Could hold my hand and walk in last paragraph, not could not.

[pinkflamingos]

He sounds irresponsible. And lazy

[BlackeyedSusan]

he is deliberately undermining you. he heard what you said to dd. grr.

[redexpat]

You really need to discuss this with him. Children are very quick to pick up on this kind of stuff, what they can do with different parents or caregivers. Essentially he is leaving you to be the bad cop all the time, and thats not ok. Are you the main caregiver? I wonder if maybe he lacks confidence to say no to dd.

[PupInBoots]

Forgot another main one - we have a wide worksurface so I let DD sit up there while I cook as it's away from the hob and encourages her to try new foods. At the weekend I went in the kitchen to find DH standing behind her as she stood on the worksurface, pulling things out of the cupboard. She had her shoes on that she'd just been in the rabbit run in so they had rabbit poo on and of course now things it's ok to stand on the side and empty cupboards, so she can no longer go on there anymore making cooking much more difficult for me.

He'll happily say no to her over things he doesn't need to - I.e. She'll want to climb up the stairs by herself which I let her as I walk behind her. He insists on carrying her instead saying she's not allowed to play onthe stairs

[pinkflamingos]

Sounds like he always goes for the easy option, ie lets DD do as she pleases so he doesn't have to say no to her and therefore doesn't have to deal with a tantrum.

When my eldest DD was little my exes family were like it with her; she would stay with them and come home with unbrushed hair, because she "didn't like having it brushed" and in dirty clothes because they didn't dare force her to get changed. It used to take weeks for me to get her back to her normal behaviour and for her to realise that rules at home were different to rules at daddy's house

[PupInBoots]

I could understand if she would tantrum but she wouldn't. She knows she isn't allowed to stand on the side etc and doesn't ask to - he just tells her she can therefore confusing her and causing problems for me.

[pinkflamingos]

Do you think he lets her do as she wants so that he's always the 'good cop'? Do you think perhaps he wants her to prefer him to you? Do you have any other children? What is he like with them if so?

[FitzgeraldProtagonist]

Being undermined in front of the toddler is not on. If you want to take him to task. Do it when DC asleep. Explain how you are a team an need to present a united front. He is her dad an needs to be able to parent her as he sees fit. But not to your deteriment - which is why you need to talk about agreed stand points. He may be oblivious to the reasoning behind your rules. Maybe there are too many micro rules and procedures and some basic shared ground rules would be a good starting point. You may find it hard keeping up the current regime with a newborn and some of the usual rules will be relaxed. DC need to learn a one off change is not a permanent event! Since your DC is only 2 that will take time. Good luck with new baby and have a (small wine or decaf tea) and chat on common goals with DH

[zippey]

I think you are being a little unreasonable. You seem to be implying that your way is the right way. Does DH have a say in how DD is brought up?

For example, she's not even two but you seem to insist she feeds herself. Did your DD not have solids till 14 months because you insisted she feed herself? I dont mean to be a judgy pants but I dont think theres anything wrong with toddler being spoon fed at that age. My toddler has just turned 3 but she gets spoon fed 50:50 of the time.

One example where I think you are totally in the right is with the cycle helmet - its good habit for later on and non negotiable in my book.

The other examples seem to indicate you have different ways to parent. He wants to help her do certain things and you want her to be more independant. I dont think either way is right or wrong.

Maybe you will need to sit down and strategise this, and its probably better for toddler that you are both singing from the same hymn sheet. Otherwise it can lead to toddler confusion, and even playing you against each other!

Good luck though, your problems dont sound insurmountable.

[redexpat]

zippy you have no idea how glad and relieved i am to read about your spoonfeeding.

[zippey]

Not sure if there was sarcasm in there redexpat!

Yep, I'm probably being generous in saying 50:50, more like 70:30 spoon fed, tv on, peppa pig and then shovel it down! I'm not recommending this by the way but it gets the job done.

[DoJo]

I agree that it's fine to do things differently and your daughter will get that what one parent will do the other won't if you are consistent. Issues with safety are non-negotiable, but I think you need to spell out the difference between your daughter sitting on the work surfaces and standing as he may not have realised that you usually allow one and not the other if he isn't there (obviously the shoes thing is unacceptable either way). It sounds like you allow her to dictate to you as well by refusing to wear her helmet (just put it on her!) or telling her she can't go on the slide if she won't climb up herself.

The carrying vs walking thing and eating vs being fed are both dependent on circumstance - sometimes you do what you need to do to get the job done e.g when they are tired and you want a good meal inside them or when you need to get somewhere quicker than toddler dawdling pace. Sometimes you do something because you want to indulge them, because they have been really good or because they are on the verge of a tantrum and you actually don't mind doing it. It doesn't change the fact that what you say goes when there are other reasons why you cannot do things, and again, safety is paramount and needs to be consistent between both parents.

So, I'm on the fence - I think you are letting the bigger safety issues convince you that all your husband's decision making is dubious whereas there are some aspects which I wouldn't get worked up over, and some which I would be putting my foot down about.

[MrsKoala]

Zippey - Phew! DS is 22mo and i still spoonfeed him with the telly on . Otherwise he'd never eat anything!

DH and I are a little like this OP. Because i spend more time with DS i know what he's capable of, but i also don't have the patience to fanny about with him. I just see it as DH and i having different styles. DH is defo good cop and would only give DS biscuits if i went out.

[naty1]

Op i pretty much agree over all your points. Outdoor shoes on worktop, why?
I also try not to carry DD too much they are heavy at 2. But she has been feeding herself almost exclusively since 18m or before as i was training her for nursery DH does try to spoon feed any leftovers if she didnt eat a lot but i dont do this, i just eat some of her food.
We have had a bit of a carrying issue as she got back from being carried a lot on holiday , from beach where we had no pushchair, but i just refuse and force her into the pushchair if she wont walk saying youre too heavy... So we had 'mummys too heavy' as we went in the shops
If she wants let her have the independence of going ip the stairs which you/him behind DD has been since before 8m. Its much harder if they dont want to do something, mine wont dress herself or use the potty even though she has control.

[redexpat]

No im serious! i see lots of younger children at nursey eating beautifully by themselves but was beginning to get worried about ds.

[Pico2]

I think that children can accept different rules from different parents to a certain extent, so I won't carry DD but DH will. But some of your points are basic safety issues (helmet, holding hands in a car park, standing on worksurfaces).

I think you need a combination of being firm with him on the ones that really matter and being firm with her on the ones that are just 'no, mummy doesn't do X'.

[PupInBoots]

Zippey I'm not saying my way is the right way, I'm saying my way makes things easier and happier for everyone, whereas DHs causes upset for DD and resentment from me. I wouldn't continually do something with DD if I knew it made life harder for him/for DD in future, I don't understand why he continues to do so for me. I don't insist she feeds herself, and certainly didn't starve of solids - she wouldn't eat because of the mess but didn't want us to feed her either. I just don't see why, when she was happily feeding herself after much work on my part and her being so pleased she could do it, he'd then encourage her to regress to being spoonfed. If we're both there, it'sonly me she would accept to feed her anyway - so with a toddler who wants spoonfeeding and a baby who needs breastfeeding that's going to equal a lot of cold meals for me.

Dojo Saying 'just put the helmet on her' is all well and good but then I have miles of screaming to listen to which isn't for anyone. She used to love bike rides.

She just doesn't 'get' mummy has one rule and daddy another. DH has DC and if he said they couldn't have sweets yet I went and bought them some, I'd see that as undermining him. I don't see why DH doing the complete opposite of what I've said to DD (I.e. You are big enough to climb up by yourself) is any different.

[zippey]

Hi PupInBoots can you not see the irony in this statement "I'm not saying my way is the right way, I'm saying my way makes things easier and happier for everyone, whereas DHs causes upset for DD and resentment from me. "

Of course you are saying your way is the right way!

I agree with what Pico2 says. I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way in most cases. Its why some people will smack their kids, or use Controlled Crying, and others wont. Im not here to judge that.

Your DD is not yet 2 years old, she will get it. You and your husband bring different things to the table, maybe you could come to a compromise? I also don't agree that he is undermining you. I think you are undermining each other. I think having certain rules about food, safety, play etc is all very well, but the best thing you can do for your child is for mummy and daddy to work together and lose the underlying resentment which she will probably pick up on.

Sorry if my post doesn't make sense, Im just off to bed.

[PupInBoots]

Zippey what I meant was - if both ways had pros/cons then we could discuss and compromise so we were on the same page. But he disregards what makes life easier for everyone in the long-run to do whatever makes things easier for him in the short term.

[DoJo]

But if he only did it last weekend, then how often have you tried? You might have one awful ride, then the next one could be better. I totally agree that he should enforce helmet wearing and I wouldn't be happy that he had gone against you on that, but I do think that assuming she will never wear it again without screaming might be blowing the after-effects out of proportion. Saying 'she used to love bike rides' and 'it takes three times as long to walk our dog' when you can only have had a couple days of her new 'refusal to wear her helmet sounds a little like you are resigned to things never changing and altering your routine around her. Perhaps that is contributing to her inability to understand how you and your husband can have different rules.

This was why I suggested that maybe it's the cumulative effects of his actions that are annoying you and maybe if you identify areas where you are happy to compromise or do things differently to one another, it would be easier to reach an agreement on things that don't matter so much. That way, at least you are consistent in your differences, IYSWIM.

I do understand what you are saying, and please don't think I am unsympathetic as my son is only just older than your daughter, but I also think it's important for children to learn that different people and different settings come with different rules. Some of the things you have cited just seem like they aren't worth arguing over compared to the issues of safety and it is unrealistic to expect you both to be doing things identically the entire time. If you pick up on every single thing your husband does differently to you, then you risk obscuring the bigger picture with incidents which would probably be manageable in isolation.

[NoBusinessLikeSnowBusiness]

Are you a sahm and with her full time? In that case I think he does need to pay a bit more attention to how you do things. If you share care, then less so. Although the helmet and hand holding in car parks are non negotiable and he's being a twat if he can't see that.

[PupInBoots]

I'm talking from experience DoJo. Like when he thoughtit was a good idea to have DD in the front car seat forward facing when usually she's in the back and rear facing. It took over a month of agonising journeys of constant screaming for her to get over it even a little bit. With the carrying issue, I don't see how I can compromise. If he continually carries her she refuses towalk for the rest of the day and the next day bbecause she wants to be carried. How do I get around that? I'm heavily pregnant and will soon have a newborn, I can't physically carry both - should we just all stay home? The frustrating thing is when he says 'you can walk, but you can hold my hand if you like' she will do just that with no fuss. But mostly he just carries her anyway.

[MrsMook]

Did you post a few months back about the carrying on the stairs? It sounds familiar.

[DoJo]

Fair enough - you know her best, but as all things toddler, what she will or won't do will change pretty quickly so if you really do have to adapt your day around her demands then hopefully it won't be for long. Does she respond if your husband changes the rules back?