to be annoyed by MIL

[turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace]

I have never been very close with my DH’s parents, but since DS was born (he is 20months) it has gotten worse. Mainly because of very different views in parenting.

DH’s parents were very strict with him and by his accounts there was not a lot of love felt, all his good childhood memories are with his grandmother and his aunt who both looked after him a lot.
Me and DH both have a very different approach with our DS and his parents take it as “our DS is ruling us”, that’s fine with me – everyone is entitles to their view, but they certainly don’t hold back in letting us know.

Firstly there are the lectures of course on how it should be: DS should not be still breastfeeding (that was raised last summer when he was less than a year old), he should not sleep in our bed (or even in our room), we should not let him feed himself with messy foods (or at least stay by to wipe his face after every bite) and of course proper discipline should be thought (i.e. forbidding him to touch anything that is not his toy, even if it’s completely harmless), the list goes on…
Still the lectures I can deal with quite easily actually as they are usually directed at DH, so easy for me to ignore. And thankfully mostly he does as well (although sometimes they do manage influence him on some of the points I think, even though he denies it).

The main thing that I find hard to ignore is their behaviour when we are visiting.
As an example a box with some shampoos we had bought was in the corridor and I let DS take the bottles out and give them to me and then put them back in the box (I was next to him to make sure he didn’t open any), MIL enters and sees us, but completely ignores me and goes “no, no, no we don’t play with these”, steps past me and removes the bottles (just to clarify these were our shampoo bottles, so it’s not that she didn’t want him touching her staff). Not really a big deal perhaps, but she does this sort of thing a lot.
Another example is that during meal times, she would just randomly offer DS other foods, like a biscuit in the middle of his lunch – obviously DS will then prefer the biscuit and stop what he was eating. And again completely ignoring me and never asking whether it’s ok to give it to him or not.

Then there was that case when DS fell and cut himself quite badly (needed couple of stitches) and I felt extremely bad not being able to stop him from falling even though I was right behind him, just a split second too late….
So MIL when she heard about this said that I should be holding DS hand all the time. Has anyone ever in history been able to hold a 20mnth old boy's hand ALL THE TIME?

There are too many of these to list all, but the main theme is the same.
I know I’m lucky that we live quite far away and only really meet/visit them a few times a year, but one of those times is coming up now and even though I have agreed to the visit and tickets have been bought I am really dreading it as it gets closer. I just find it increasingly hard to keep my mouth shut and carry on being polite. And I don’t think a polite explanation would go down well either. On a case by case basis sure, if I’m quick enough I can stop her from giving DS a biscuit and say “let’s give it to him later, when he’s finished lunch”, but that doesn’t mean she won’t do the same next mealtime (or really any other time).
So firstly AIBU to feel like MIL is being quite rude and dismissive of me or am I being oversensitive? And any advice on “coping mechanisms” for when we’re there so I won’t explode and cause a huge row.

[MrsWinnibago]

You need to stand up to her. With the shampoo incident, I would have given them right back to him and said clearly "No...it's fine. He is allowed." and if she argued, simply reiterated "No...I've said it's ok" and so on....over and over and over again if needed.

You must stand up to her...the biscuits at lunch...you remove it before it gets to him if possible and say "No. He's eating his lunch."

Don't get upset or aerated...just stick to plain and simple language.

When she gives advice ignore her....don't respond to it and avoid discussions about development and food etc. My MIL was similar...she's not anymore.

[QuietlyCurious92]

I don't think UABU, that would drive me absolutely bonkers. Me and my mum live quite far apart (different countries) but she has very different parenting opinions to me. The few times she's tried to do something different with my children I step up, it's not the way I raise my kids and for the most part she respects that. You should stand up too, he's your son and the way you raise him and what you feel best for him is what counts, if she doesn't respect that then tell her that you've a problem with it.

If she still can't respect your wishes then she's going to have to get a hard lesson in reality. Whatever the outcome, good luck! I feel for you. Stay strong, it'll hopefully not be as bad as you think

[WaffleWiffle]

It sounds like you need to be more assertive with your MiL.

With the shampoo bottles, "No, we are playing with those". With the biscuit, "No, we WILL be eating dinner first and DS you will not have a biscuit until you have finished your dinner".

More of this kind of thing and she will soon realise you are the parent and you will make the decisions, whether she likes it or not.

With the unreasonable stuff, like falling over and lectures, I would just completely blank and ignore.

Being assertive and polite are not mutually exclusive. You can be both.

[MimiSunshine]

Agree, start quietly standing up to her. It doesn't have to turn into an argument.
Just say no he's fine, I allow this. Or no thank you and take the biscuits away. If they repeat at the next meal time then say 'please don't, I asked you not to at lunch / breakfast'.
If it happens a third time then say 'I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room as you are ignoring my wishes'

The most you need to get into it with them is "I'm his mother and I'm fine with this".

Remember they doesn't get to over rule you and DH.

[NoodleOodle]

Do you have to avoid confrontation? For instance, if you really put your foot down, and it maybe caused a scene, would you then be more comfortable once things had died down because you'd all know where you stood?

If they weren't PIL, how would you respond to their actions just as other adults you know? Could you face treating them 'normally' - as you would other adults?

Otherwise, it's not a frequent disturbance so maybe grit your teeth, and smile and nod?

[turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace]

Thanks lot for the advice and mainly it's good to hear that IANBU.
I think I do struggle with assertiveness in general as i feel it's difficult to be assertive and at the same time not let it get to me and stay polite.
I think I see assertiveness as confrontation and I really don't like confrontation.
But, yes, I think I really need to be more assertive in a case by case basis and perhaps after a while things will improve when she sees that I won't just quietly sand by.

[JustAShopGirl]

Whilst she is eating lunch, randomly offer HER a biscuit.....

"Oh I thought that you were hinting you wanted it done that way when you offer DD one every time"

[JustAShopGirl]

oops... DS... sorry

[turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace]

If it happens a third time then say 'I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room as you are ignoring my wishes'

Wow!!! I don't think I would ever be brave enough to say that!!

I think if these were other people that were not close relatives then we wouldn't be seeing them as all...

The other thing I didn't mention before is that last time MIL seems to have "enlightened" my husband's aunt, who previously was always very nice to me but since last time has turned very cold and kind or mirrors MIL's behaviour with DS.
AND she will probably be there this time as well.

[susanjones123]

JustAShopGirl Hee hee, that's amazing- I love that idea.

My mum is like this with my DD. Not with the strictness thing but with just questioning my decisions all the time. I'm trying to bring DD up in a feminist-friendly way. To my mum, I am practising routine child cruelty.

[turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace]

NoodleOodle, I don't think this would work with PIL. There have been massive scenes before (not caused by me, but by rift between DH and his dad) and once things calmed down it was never mentioned again, for a little while FIL seemed to slightly change his ways, but it didn't last and so I don't think it was worth it.
Also as things are I think if there was a massive scene there is a god chance that DH will want to cut contact with them and I really don't want to be the reason for this. I have previously talked him out of it (that was before DS) as he is the only child and I feel bad for the PIL, but more so for DH - I think he would regret it later.

[turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace]

*good chance

[SarcyMare]

i am not sure about the shampoo, you hear SOOOOO many replies on here about "your home your rules" does this only apply to the OP's house or to everyone's house?

so i would accept it in her house but if she ever visits, say "it is ok darling in OUR house you are allowed to play with mummy's shampoo" or whatever it is.

As your husband was raised by strict parents it is going to be very hard for him to break out of that pattern (i still quake when hear my mum shouting).

[turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace]

SarcyMare, we haven't had a shampoo incident anywhere else, but she definitely behaves the same in other places. Slightly less in our home, but more often than not we visit them as they have a lot more space.

[turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace]

JustAShopGirl I fear the joke would be lost on her.

Sometimes I think that she doesn't do it to show me my incompetence but that she really just doesn't think (with the biscuits for example)But in other cases I definitely get that it's not that innocent.

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

Is your MIL also my MIL?? Mine drives me crackers with this stuff. She's crossed a line recently though by actually telling DH she thinks our youngest is being neglected because we don't helicopter round him constantly to stop him tripping over/bumping into something/being a 2 year old. She reckons there wasn't so much as a moment in DH and siblings' childhoods where there wasn't at least one adult watching their every move. Bollocks.

Sorry, I'm hijacking with a rant now!

You will have to be more assertive. It's the only way to keep your sanity even if she doesn't alter her behaviour. I find the hardest part with mine is keeping up the smiles and pleasantries and not reacting to what she says. Since I started diplomatically pulling her up on it, I feel better. She ignores me, but the rage doesn't bottle up quite so much....

[ithoughtofitfirst]

They're just so full of shit aren't they?!

Yanbu.

I just don't see mine anymore because she upsets me too much. I just thought I need to stop giving a shit what this woman thinks of me. But couldn't do it. So I just cut her out of my life. Harsh but effective.

[MrsWinnibago]

My neighbour does this a bit....says things to DD like "You're not going in the garden in that white dress are you!" and "Aren't you going to brush your hair today! and I need to stand up to her!

[finlandstation]

Yanbu. I have one of those too. My dd is is 21 months and shock horror still breastfeeds day and night. I also co sleep. Mil is always saying you don't need that to her. One of these day I will tell her that she doesn't need that cigarette!
She also thinks middle child is always in the wrong when he and pgd are arguing. She actually threatened to discipline him with a smack. Not sure what I would have done if she had.
She clearly thinks I am a rubbish parent but sil is perfect in every way. Even sil is now getting on the bandwagon and criticizing my parenting choices.

[AMumInScotland]

"I just find it increasingly hard to keep my mouth shut and carry on being polite"

How about just not being polite? I know it's difficult, but as long as you put up with being treated this way, she will think it's ok to treat you like this. You can do it by being quietly assertive, or, frankly, you can blow up at her and tell her to get out of your face. Either works...

[Nanny0gg]

If your DH feels it necessary to cut contact with his parents, why are you stopping him?

He lived through a miserable childhood and they're not sounding especially nice to your DS. What's to be gained by keeping contact?

[turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace]

Nanny0gg DH wanted to cut contact when he was upset, he doesn't actually want to do that and i'm glad I talked him down, because he would have regretted it and it's much harder to reconcile once you have said something final. And even though he doesn't have many good memories of his childhood I believe that he still loves them and also as an only child feels that it's his duty to maintain a relationship.

Also I think that they do love our DS and cutting contact with them would mean cutting out all of DH family, so DS would grow up not knowing anyone from his fathers side - I think it wouldn't be fair of me to do that just because MIL is not nice to me.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts
I agree, but I too find it hard to smile and be nice whilst boiling inside...

[DoJo]

I agree with NannyOgg - if he doesn't want them in his life, then why try and force him to maintain a relationship with them?

[DoJo]

Whoops - cross post. He doesn'y have to say or do anything final, just limit the amount of time spent with them, or give them an ultimatum about the way they treat your family.

[turtlegirlwithpanpipenecklace]

To be honest, if DH now wanted to cut contact now I don't think I would try to stop him anymore... But he doesn't and somehow we are spending a week with them even though we agreed last time that 4 days should be maximum...
It's like we go around in a circle - We visit, it doesn't go well, we leave feeling upset and saying next time only 4 days max, but months go by and we forget how annoying it was (well, I actually don't forget...) and then do it all over again.