to stop dds father having contact tomorrow?

(54 Posts)
powersquawker Sat 12-Jul-14 22:57:44

Dd is 6, we've been separated since pregnancy. ExH was abusive to me in every way and still uses dd to try and control and manipulate me. He has her eow usually and no more despite me offering.

Six months ago, dd decided she wanted to try a theatre group. This was a pretty big deal as she has ASD. When it came to preparing for the show, she auditioned and was given a part which she was extremely chuffed about. I told exH at the time, as did dd. When the show dates came out it transpired that they fell on dds weekend with him, which I told him and offered to swap to save him having to drive back and forth as he's 25 mins away from the theatre and I'm only 5. He refused to swap, but told dd she could do the show.

Dd has been practising for 3 hours each week since, then 6 hours each week for the past two weeks and has been loving it. Her father decided last week that actually, she couldn't do the show because he didn't want to take her. I offered swapping again and told him how well dd is doing and how much she loves it and wants him to watch. He just said no, despite making it clear there are no other plans.

For the first time ever I made a unilateral decision and said it was unfortunate he wasn't supportive, but that after all the effort she'd put in, dd would be doing the show. I offered that he collect her tomorrow from 9-5 or have her overnight and drop to school. He kicked off massively about the show but ignored the part about tomorrow, despite me asking him to let me know asap. He has form for leaving it until an hour before offered contact to accept/decline as I think he likes the power of keeping dd and I on our toes. I have previously said contact should be arranged at least 48 hours beforehand.

He sent me a text this afternoon saying he'll be collecting dd in the morning. She accepted an invitation for us to go on a day out with her friend yesterday because I figured it had passed the 48 hour window I've previously asked for. I'm torn between feeling bad because if I cancel tomorrow I've cancelled his whole weekend and feeling I need to stand up to him re: the 48 hour thing or he will forever think he can mess dd and I around.

What do you think?

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 12-Jul-14 23:01:02

I'd say 'too late, Didn't hear back in time and now DD has other plans'.

AnyoneForTennis Sat 12-Jul-14 23:02:10

Why does contact need to be arranged 48 hours before if it happens eow anyway?

SiennaBlake Sat 12-Jul-14 23:02:47

What funky said. It's all about control for him not about your dd's best interests obviously.

dustyspringfield Sat 12-Jul-14 23:06:52

I agree with Funky - be straightforward and breezy. There is no reason why you and dd should wait around for him, with the control that entails. He isn't putting your dd first, which is really pathetic.

SquigglySquid Sat 12-Jul-14 23:09:50

Yep. You made plans. Too bad he didn't let you know in a timely manner.

powersquawker Sat 12-Jul-14 23:11:06

I offer midweek and holiday contact too Anyone, he has left it until an hour before the offered pick up time to say he'll be picking her up which is why I said 48 hours notice minimum.

kawliga Sat 12-Jul-14 23:12:53

Sorry the show was scheduled on his weekend, that's very bad luck. Sorry her father is refusing to take her for her show - I wonder how he will explain that to her. At age 6 he will have to offer HER an explanation, it's not just between you and him.

Sorry your dd won't get to do the show after all the hours of practice she put in. But she is only 6 years old. I do not think it is important enough to have a fight over. You are understandably angry with him but the impact on your dd of missing this show is a matter for him to deal with. Unfortunately for you he is her other parent, able to make such decisions.

AnyoneForTennis Sat 12-Jul-14 23:15:50

Is it court ordered?

PicandMinx Sat 12-Jul-14 23:20:52

So he is trying to control your DD's life now. Unless the contact is court ordered, stop your DD spending any time with this twat.

AgentZigzag Sat 12-Jul-14 23:21:46

The OP's said it is important to her DD kawliga, therefore her dad trying to take that away from her to play his mind games would be important enough to me to fight him all the way.

He's a cheeky fuck trying it on, he's not fussed about his DD being caught up in it and that speaks volumes.

Do you really think it's OK for him to take that decision when there's no need? That him dealing with the fallout would make the OP OK with it all?

powersquawker Sat 12-Jul-14 23:22:09

No, it isn't court ordered.

powersquawker Sat 12-Jul-14 23:24:11

There wouldn't be much fallout for him kawliga because he'd belittle her into thinking she's an idiot for thinking she could've done well at it. It'd be me that had to deal with the devastation, which I wasn't prepared to do.

kawliga Sat 12-Jul-14 23:24:49

I do not think the father is behaving correctly, but he is her father unfortunately. I am the first to get mothers to fight fight fight when their dc's safety is at risk in any way, even if there are court orders, I don't care, a mother's first duty is to keep the dc safe. I just don't think missing a show counts as something to fight over.

PicandMinx Sat 12-Jul-14 23:26:16

If it's not court ordered - you have your answer. Cut your Ex out of your life. If he really wants to see DD and not use her as a means to get at you, he will make the effort to get formal contact.

chesterberry Sat 12-Jul-14 23:26:19

What would your DD rather do? Would she rather go out for the day with friends or see her father? I'd say her answer should be your answer.

kawliga Sat 12-Jul-14 23:27:32

he'd belittle her into thinking she's an idiot for thinking she could've done well at it

This is a different issue. This counts as a safety issue for me, if there is emotional abuse going on.

But I think you should separate safety issues (definitely worth fighting over) from logistical issues (inconvenient scheduling, not worth fighting over).

PicandMinx Sat 12-Jul-14 23:29:10

You should fight every time a non-resident parent makes a promise to a child and then breaks that promise.

SiennaBlake Sat 12-Jul-14 23:29:11

Kawliga, you're missing the point. It's not about the show. It's about the father not sticking to his 48 hour notice which is presumably in place because he fucks them around. He messed up so he doesn't get what he wants. It is not OPs responsibility to run around after him and check if he wants his contact. It's his job to let them know and he didn't. So he misses out. He's a big boy who clearly understands how it all works.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 12-Jul-14 23:29:46

I just don't think missing a show counts as something to fight over.

Yes it is, it is her weekend too, not just his. If she wants to do the show, and has put the work in, then she should go do the bloody show. If the OP has offered a different arrangement, then he should bloody respond in time, and if the Op's daughter then makes other arrangements, then it is her right to do so. It's her access arrangement, not her father's.

cheepsskram Sat 12-Jul-14 23:31:56

I totally disagree with what Kawliga seems to be saying.

Am I right in thinking that this was "his" weekend but as he refused to take her to the show, she has done that today thus you have offered contact tommorrow but now something else has come up?

I would say no to tomorrow and explain that he hadn't let you know so other plans have been made. I probably would however, offer next weekend as a peace-deal. That way, you show that DD's interests are important, you won't be messed around but you also appreciate the need for regular contact.

kawliga Sat 12-Jul-14 23:32:13

Sienna, I'm not missing the point, just disagreeing that those issues are worth fighting over. I get that it's annoying to be messed around by a power-hungry twat who keeps changing the schedule, but I do not AGREE that it is worth fighting over being messed around by an ex making life inconvenient. Them's the breaks, sorry, he is her father.

BUT. Do not let any man belittle your daughter and put her down. To me this is a completely different issue that has nothing to do with being messed around in the planning of your daily activities.

AgentZigzag Sat 12-Jul-14 23:33:25

I try to keep my DC safe as well as happy kawlinga, it doesn't matter who was doing it, I'd try my hardest to stop any bollocks going on that I thought was spiteful and unnecessary.

It'd be different if the dad had something important he wanted his DD to do, but he's just punishing her because he can. The little mite hasn't even done anything wrong sad he should be putting himself out to encourage her.

It's an important part of being a parent to make sure your DC aren't involved in any power/control games, the OP has no choice but to try and protect her DD.

SiennaBlake Sat 12-Jul-14 23:35:51

You are missing the point. It's not just about annoyance or power hungry twats making things inconvenient. It's about emotional abuse and manipulation via contact arrangements. It's about the daughter not knowing whether he is coming or not every contact weekend because he can't be bothered to let them know either way. Where's her stability and routine?

kawliga Sat 12-Jul-14 23:41:47

Agent, if you are fighting purely over a happiness issue, you are fighting because you disagree with the father about what will make the child happy. You are just two parents who are not on the same page about what will make the child happy. Unfortunately you are equally parents equally entitled to decide the happiness question.

Not saying dc do not deserve to be happy, just saying if mother has a different idea from father about what will make the dc happy then mother does not get to prevent father having his scheduled contact day. Unless there's a safety or welfare concern.

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