To think that this so called 'friend' is actually a bit of a user?

[ziggiestardust]

This is long, but I feel like once I get it written down then it's out there and I can start to feel better.

I made friends with a girl who moved to our area and didn't know anyone. She seemed really sweet, and she was pregnant at the time and my age, so we got chatting. After she had her DD she reached out to me because she knew I'd had PND with my DC and she said she was struggling. Her DH was in the forces and away a lot, so she was on her own also.

We became more friendly and I used to help her out with her DD, bring her cooked meals, do her food shopping sometimes when they were struggling financially, introduced her to my friends, and just generally was there for her. There was also a situation where she was being harassed severely by another woman, and I physically stood up to her and called the police for her and encouraged her to make a statement. I was just really there for her and after she came through her tough patch, we remained really friendly and texted and met up all the time, just us and in our group.

However, I announced that I was moving away at Christmas. She suddenly stopped returning my calls and turned down my invites out. I didn't push the matter and just left her to it, thinking she'd come to me if she needed me. Also; it was Christmas; everyone is busy! For Christmas, I bought her and her DD tickets to Peppa Pig for the summer. She never mentioned having received them, but tbh I was so busy with finding a job and getting a new house, I didn't chase it up.

Between then and the move I got a few messages saying we should meet up, then always cancelling last minute; including my birthday.

When I moved, a few weeks later she tagged herself in at the Peppa Pig show and put up photos. I liked the photos, and then the next day she removed me from Facebook.

I texted her to tell her I'd seen she'd removed me from Facebook, and was there anything she wanted to talk about? I got nothing. I relayed to other friends back home how upset I was about it.

Today I got a message from her. In it, she said that she'd heard I was upset about the whole thing, and she was sorry but there was no point in being friends now I'd moved (even though I've booked flights with DH and DS to go and visit!) I have other friends and family there!) and that she'd made new friends and I should respect her choice.

I just feel so... Down about it. Down on myself. I thought we were super close and I counted her among my nearest and dearest. I feel stupid to have judged someone so badly, and I don't know how to behave when I go back if I bump into her. I'm really hurt.

[ShineSmile]

Sadly sounds like a horrible user. So sorry for you, but looks like you are just going to have to accept it and move on.

[Calloh]

I think that's very strange behaviour on her part. You sound like a great friend OP and I wouldn't have thought it would have taken her a lot of effort to maintain a friendship over a greater distance.

However, if you move around a lot and have to make new friends often you can end up knowing an awful lot of people and proper friendships can take time to maintain, you just can't stay in touch with everyone you meet.

But you seem like someone who is worth holding onto, Facebook certainly helps and I think (to repeat myself) that she sounds like she behaved oddly. If you bump into her I would just be coolly pleasant. Sorry OP, it's a bit rubbish for you.

[kawliga]

This all started when you announced that you were moving away. I know someone like your friend, her husband is also military and they move around a lot. She cuts friends off immediately when she moves. No calls, no keeping in touch, nothing. I think she finds it too painful (just my guess, she didn't say she finds it painful, just said there's no point). I would guess she hurts a lot of people with this behaviour especially these days when it's cheap and easy to keep in touch and fly around to see old friends. But I wouldn't judge her. People cope with separation the best way they know how.

[ziggiestardust]

Oh, I know about moving on and all that. I've had a few people say 'oh don't take it to heart' and 'oh but there are loads of people who care about you' which is true of course, but I really put a lot of effort in the friendship. It's not like you do nice things to get it back, but you there's a line between that and a one sided friendship.

I just feel really guarded about it.

I keep looking at the text message as well. I sent to to DH and he was like 'she's crazy, don't lose any more sleep over it'. But I'm still sad that a friendship of over 3 years is just lying by the wayside.

[ziggiestardust]

Also, several of my friends have said they want to come and visit; it's not like it's in another country. Those same friends also still tag me in statuses and photos, and text me all the time... Some of them I've not been nearly as close to.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

There are altogether too many people like this in the world. The bad thing about them is that they don't wear signs round their necks so we can't identify them easily and can then give them a wide berth.

There's the teeniest, tiniest chance that she's embarrassed about all the effort you've gone to to treat her decently and kindly, and her abiding memory of your friendship is how much she relied on you and gave little to nothing back.

You sound like a lovely supportive friend: she doesn't deserve you and probably never has.

[Mrsgrumble]

Op, she is on of those people. The nerve to put the photos up. I have a close friend who I went out with every single Saturday night for years. Evey singer one. Supine I had my baby she visited once and has never text since. That's some people for you. It hurts.

I would text your friend that she is a user and you wish her the best b tht she has a short memory and no good can come of her selfish behaviour. But maybe I would be wrong.

[kawliga]

ziggie, you might be the one person to make a difference. If she cuts people off and they just call her crazy and a user, you might be the friend who doesn't do that? Don't make more effort than you're comfortable with, but don't judge her.

[ziggiestardust]

mrsgrumble I REALLY want to text something like that, but I probably shouldn't

[scarletforya]

There was also a situation where she was being harassed severely by another woman, and I physically stood up to her and called the police for her and encouraged her to make a statement

Are you sure the woman was really harassing her? Maybe the woman was another ex friend she used and dumped?

[kawliga]

I thought we were super close and I counted her among my nearest and dearest.

Hold on to this. She is behaving badly, but people sometimes behave badly because they are vulnerable or never learned how to behave better.

[Aeroflotgirl]

This happened when you announced you were moving. I know this is no excuse for her awful behaviour, but I think she was devastated, the only way she could deal with it was out of sight out of mind. But you kindly sent her tickets for the show, she took them, no thanks and defriended you, nice! Even if I was devastated at you miving, I would not behave like this! It's awful! No don't loose any sleep, she obviously has ishoos. I would ask her for the ticket money, as she seemed to enjoy the show you paid for.

[forago]

I'm not surprised you're hurt. I would be too. To me a friendship isnot dependent on geography. moving away might change the closeness but I'd still keep in touch on Facebook and meet up when back in same place. some of my best friends live in a different country FFs! sadly I think she is a user, or at least views friendships as "what's in it for me".

I know someone like this, drops people as soon as theyre not useful to her. They are fucked up, damaged people. Move on and put your energies into real friendships. Its not you, its her.

[kawliga]

are fucked up, damaged people.

Forago, you are right about this being fucked up and damaged. But I don't agree with the 'move on' advice. Some friendships are worth fighting for, OP, it all depends on how much you valued this friendship. Some fucked up damaged people turn around because someone loved them enough not to 'move on' from them.

Disclaimer: not talking about abusers, just talking about friends who don't say thank you or keep in touch - some of these might be worth saving and not just dumping them. Especially since she has reached out to you by sending you a text.

[ziggiestardust]

I know... I won't be asking for the ticket money back. It was a gift for her DD really. Tbh I was kind of pleased she posted them because they'd had no recognition; I was starting to wonder if I'd imagined giving them to her!

[ziggiestardust]

But she reached out to ditch me via text because I asked her why she'd unfriended me

[Aeroflotgirl]

Kawliga not at the detriment of your self esteem and self worth. Some friendships should just be let go. Op did her best, she messaged her, and got a not very nice response back. Just leave it and move on, fir your own self worth.

[kawliga]

ziggie, I think everyone agrees that the friend is hurtful. Sympathies. If you don't want to continue the friendship that's fine, you don't actually need an excuse or a reason to discontinue any friendship. Friendships are not equal opportunities, they can be ended by either friend any time.

I was only saying if you valued the friendship this would not be a reason to dump her. So far we have evidence of very bad manners, that's all. Maybe she's a user and maybe she's not.

[kawliga]

Aeroflot, where are you seeing the self esteem and self worth issue? Here's what OP said: I just feel so... Down about it. Down on myself. I thought we were super close and I counted her among my nearest and dearest. I feel stupid to have judged someone so badly, and I don't know how to behave when I go back if I bump into her. I'm really hurt.

I didn't see that as a self-worth issue at all. OP is hurt because her friend didn't bother to say thank you and doesn't bother to keep in touch.
Friend you value: make the effort. When you bump into her, give her a hug, tell her you miss her and that her brush-off hurts.
Friend you don't value: dump. When you bump into her, smile and wave (and mutter 'user' under your breath). Simples.

[Proclean]

I think this sound very much like a personality disorder, someone in my family has one and they cause such pain because they are in such pain but they project it all onto other people as well it is sad.

My family member often says 'there's no point keeping in touch if (you name it but they have moved is one reason) even when she has been so close to someone, you cannot tell her different!

She is not well but people cannot be expected to understand.

Just let her go with kindness!

[Aeroflotgirl]

I think it's more than bad manners, the 'friend' was rude and not very nice. I think I would feel less about the friendship now after seeing his she can be. She could text her if she wanted to salvage it with: I'm here if you ever want to talk, and leave it at that and move on.

[kawliga]

Most of us are 'rude and not very nice' sometimes. We are just lucky to have friends who love us enough not to dump us over that.

[ziggiestardust]

But... She dumped me... Surely! The text said she has made new friends... I'm not sure how I can not read that any other way.

[LoveBeingInTheSun]

Op I understand,was culled by a friend when she split with her dp. As soon as she was in a relationship again she wants to be like before - forget it

[Aeroflotgirl]

Not like that kawliga, she was nasty to the op. Yes when you keep putting yourself out for friends but are not getting anything positive back, it can hurt your self esteem and you feel low. Like it's you that has done something, when it very much is not.