To think ds is too nice?

[Pyjamaramadrama]

Sometimes I think that my ds is too soft and worry that he needs to stand up for himself more. He's 6.

Examples are, Friday he took something to school, it was taken in for Friday play were they are allowed to bring something in (the classroom) to play with as part of the lesson. Somehow this thing has ended up in the playground and ds has ended up giving parts of it away to other children because they 'didn't have any', or because one child in particular badgered him until he gave in by following him around the playground. And another because the boy was crying.

When ds has birthday parties he wants to invite the whole class so that nobody is left out, and particularly those who haven't invited him to theirs, so that they know he doesn't mind.

It's not the first time he's tried to give his toys away at school on bring a toy in day and he's also given a child money for snacks as they didn't have any money.

I've seen children shoving him at parties/soft play and he never retaliates he just shrugs.

I could think of loads more examples but I worry he's too easily led and being a bit of a pushover, literally. I can be a bit like it and it breeds resentment.

I haven't said this to him of course but have had a talk about not having to do anything he doesn't want to do.

[Smartiepants79]

Well I would take my cue from him.
Try not to project your own feelings.
If it bothers him, if he is upset by giving his things away then it's time to step in.
I love the fact that he simply shrugs and walks away from negative behaviour. That's very mature and a bodes well for the kinds of person he will be.
Make sure he understands what to do if someone crosses a line he's not happy with and that he understands some stuff shouldn't be given away.
Try not to be upsets for him. If he is happy just keep and eye on it and keep reiterating he mustn't be pushed into things he's uncomfortable with.

[Pyjamaramadrama]

Thanks, he is unhappy about some of the things he's given away. A couple of the things though not worth anything are hard to come by, which the other child knew hence why he badgered ds until he gave in. In ds words he had to give in in the end because this boy would not stop following him around the playground and saying please, please. The other boy cried making ds feel he had to give it away. That's the same boy ds gave money to.

I did speak to the teacher over the money and that's stopped, but I don't want to go in over this part of a toy as it's worth nothing and I'm sure the teacher has better things to do than get involved.

[Smartiepants79]

I would speak to the teacher ( I am one) as this behaviour sounds like part of a pattern that she ought to be aware of.
I would want to deal with any child that was coercing other children to give them things. No matter what the value.

[QisforQcumber]

I've got one of those too but he is a little older. He would give the shirt off his back if he thought it would make someone else happy. He takes other people's nastiness on the chin and shrugs it off with "Their problem, not mine". We went through the toy donation thing at around the same age, he is still very generous but has enough confidence now to explain that he would rather not give it away but will still happily play with together of they want.

I used to worry about him being a pushover but he is who he is. He is my kind, selfless, thoughtful young man who sees the needs of others as more important than his own. I am immensely proud, and I bet you are too. The world is full of enough takers already.

[Pyjamaramadrama]

Interesting that you say that smartiepants, I do think that it was bad behaviour on the other boys part.

I'm sort of blaming myself for sending the thing in, although it specifically supposed to stay in the classroom.

[Thumbwitch]

I agree that you should speak to the teacher - it's not the monetary value, or lack thereof, that is the issue - it's this boy assuming he has a right to take it off your son that is the problem.

I used to worry that my DS1 was too nice and would be hurt too much as well - he's 6.6 now and in his second year at school (well, Y1, but halfway through his second year - we're in Australia, not the UK) and he seems to be doing ok but I have to remind him all the time to keep his stuff to himself, to tell other children to stop when they do things he doesn't like, and if that doesn't work to tell an adult. And then I go in for a parents' day thing, and watch him play, and see his so-called "friend" (who is more than a year older, he was kept back a year before starting) pushing him and "play" thumping him, knocking him down and my DS1 just getting up and continuing to follow him around like a lost puppy and it breaks my heart just a little.

I have DS1 doing Tae Kwon Do now; mostly for balance and discipline, but also for the self-defence aspect. As he gets better I expect that he will be better able to fend off unwanted physicalness from other pupils; the trick at the moment is to stop him from "showing off" his new skills which could invite bigger boys to try to take him down.

It's so hard - he has to make his own way and he mostly does - but I do think in your case you need to intervene via the teacher and say that your DS was coerced into handing over something very important to him and he would really like it back but isn't able to ask this boy himself.

[macdoodle]

He sounds just lovely and I would nurture his lovely personality

[Candyfloss6789]

I think your ds sounds lovely, very sweet-natured and mature. However, I am also a teacher, and agree with a pp about talking to his teacher. If I was your sons teacher or the teacher of the other boy who pressured your son into giving part of his toy away I would want to know. The other boy should not have done that and needs to know that it was wrong so that it doesn't happen again.

[Proclean]

What a lovely child! I think you have a ds to be proud of, I understand your concerns but I would think it is so much better to have this issue than the other - where your child is a self-centred bullying type.

I do get what you mean though, unfortunately life can be cruel to kind children, I think he will have the skills to cope though especially with your support and advice behind him! :-)

[ICanSeeTheSun]

My DC have been given a few toys. I always take the toy back back to the parents ( or teacher) IMO at 6 the children don't realise what they are doing.