to think DH should be supportive or at least STFU when I've got PMS?

(55 Posts)

I'm prepared for folk to tell me IABU. After all, I have PMS grin

Basically, some months I have PMS for about a week, during which things that would normally be a mild irritant make me snarl. When this happens DH often says stuff like "Oh, this is going to be a GREAT day" or he gives me 'you're-a-psycho' looks.

AIBU to think if he can't say anything nice during this period, he should STFU?!

Fucking men. That is all.

Hamuketsu Sat 12-Jul-14 17:14:12

Just trying to imagine a bloke who was snarling at his wife due to some external factor that she hadn't caused, and then complaining about "Fucking Women". You admit that it's your own PMS causing the snarling, so what exactly is it about "Fucking Men" that's the issue here? Even if your own dh was being an arse about it - which he isn't, albeit a little passive-aggressive in his response - it still wouldn't be about men in general, would it?

I think you need to do more than trying supplements to try to alleviate this - e.g. see your GP - rather than putting the onus on your DP. Managing your mood is your responsibility, not his.

MrsBoldon Sat 12-Jul-14 18:24:05

If a man came on here and said they wouldn't employ a woman because one week a month (25% of her working life) she'd possibly be an irritational and aggressive worker then he'd quite rightly be offered his arse on a plate!.

Stop making excuses for your unacceptable behaviour. Get some help to deal with it if you can but if not, it's YOU that is in the wrong and no-one should have to STFU.

littleblueballoon Sat 12-Jul-14 18:35:17

I understand why others are saying YABU but what about when a woman is feeling less than her best when pregnant? (Yes I know some lucky ladies glow all throug pregnancy, but most of us don't). Don't a lot of us expect our partners to support us and STFU when we are tired / unwell / snappy? What's different about genuine PMS?

MrsBoldon Sat 12-Jul-14 19:04:25

I think it's unacceptable because snarling at someone we love (or indeed anyone) and expecting them to shut the fuck up when we KNOW we are being unreasonable is just unacceptable. And the OP said it was stuff that wouldn't normally bother her and she knows she's out of order.

If it's a one off or occasionally due to external circumstances then maybe it could be explained and excused (if the recipient is happy to do that) but if its 25% of the time then it's not on and not fair.

Lottiedoubtie Sat 12-Jul-14 19:09:14

Most of us aren't pregnant for 25% of our adult lives though are we?

And I think even then making allowances because someone is tired, in pain or otherwise unwell (eg, nauseas) is different to putting up with rudeness from your partner, which isn't acceptable pregnant/PMS/or not.

Goblinchild Sat 12-Jul-14 19:17:00

'AIBU to think if he can't say anything nice during this period, he should STFU?!'

Or perhaps you should.

newsecretidentity Sat 12-Jul-14 19:50:10

I think it depends on whether you can actually control it or not.

For example, I suffer with PMDD. It's clinically diagnosed and treated with medication and lifestyle restrictions. Before finding the right meds, during that time of the month, I could erupt at colleagues, strangers and partners alike, or burst in to tears at work. That's if I was well enough to make it to work. At times I've had to shut myself away from everyone, self-harmed and attempted suicide at the worst times. It isn't because I'm a bitch or badly behaved, it's because under the influence of hormones I become disoriented and significantly distressed.

I can't control it, other than to warn others around me when it's coming, remove as many stresses as possible, and follow the medication and lifestyle recommendations of my doctor. And when necessary, I remove myself from other people. I have friends who will run interference for me and help me maintain "space" until it passes.

So, OP, I think the answer is that you need to try everything you can to control it. But once you've done that, then he needs to recognize what you're going through and STFU.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Sat 12-Jul-14 19:55:16

I get horrible PMS and sometimes find myself snapping at my DCs for no reason and then i catch myself on and realise how fucking unfair that is on them. It takes massive restraint and effort during those days but i take deep breaths and count to 10 a lot and try really hard to be pleasant to them. Because it really is horrible for them to have to tiptoe round me and i wouldnt accept them having to do it for another parent so why on earth shoul i expect it for me? So YABU- you should be fair to your DP and accept that you are the one creating a horrible environment and YOU have to make the effort to be civil and ok to live with. Hormones dont absolve you of the responsibility for your actions. If they are that bad then see your GP. They are your hormones causing the problem.

MollyBdenum Sat 12-Jul-14 20:00:02

I think that a lot of the people commenting have absolutely no idea what it is like to suffer from severe PMS. I read an article recently about PMDD (the severe form of PMS) where one of the experts said something along the lines of, "with PMS, you feel like shit but you go to work anyway and then you go home and hide under the covers and eat chocolate. With PMDD, you feel like shit but you go to work anyway and then get fired".

DP knows that for a week every month I have a pretty debilitating mental illness which is often accompanied by physical pain. He takes it seriously - he's spent 20 years watching me try to cope.

partialderivative Sat 12-Jul-14 20:02:09

No way should he stfu if the problem lies with you.

You can try to explain to him that you know you are being unreasonable, but you have a few triggers that need to be avoided at certain times.

Definitely not stfu

awsomer Sat 12-Jul-14 20:11:09

PMS can be just awful, I really sympathise. I'm going through some other gynae issues so my hormones are a bit more extreme than is normal for me atm (I woke myself up crying for absolutely no reason one night). I had a particularly angry day last week so I decided to take myself out of the situation; I stayed away from everyone (especially my DP), I bit my tongue whenever I had to be in the company of others, I put off any tasks I knew would tip me over the edge. It was tough but I made it through without being too much of a PITA to anyone.

BUT it's not something anyone should have to put up with on a regular basis. As countless people have suggested, see your GP. Good luck OP!

MrsBoldon Sat 12-Jul-14 20:17:38

Even if something is beyond someone's control it is not okay if their behaviour is adversely affecting someone else on a consistent basis.

Depression/psychosis/autism spectrum disorders/dementia for example are all reasons why someone may not be in control of the way they behave sometimes and that should be treated with understanding, compassion and yes, allowances should be made.

But regardless of any condition; if someone in that person's life is being consistently abused or mistreated or in this case, just snarled at and made to feel anxious or 'walking on eggshells' then that's not ok. We can understand and sympathise with people and realise their behaviour isn't really the person they are but that doesn't mean we should allow that to make other people feel like shit.

If a wife of someone with dementia or a mother of a child with LD said 'it's fine a lot of the time but regularly they're snappy, horrible and I feel like shit' we absolutely would not say 'well, they can't help it so shut the fuck up'.

LongTimeLurking Sat 12-Jul-14 20:20:35

Work stress can be 'just awful' too. Does that make it OK for a man to come home and 'snarl' at his wife for a week every month? What about if he has back pain, a tooth ache, depression, etc?

No. Of course not.

OP has a problem and needs to deal with it. The bit about "he should STFU" and "fucking men" is unacceptable and abusive.

GiantIsopod Sat 12-Jul-14 20:24:50

I do have mild PMS, but I can control that. So it's not what I can relate to. But I have had depression and anxiety, and that turned me into a horrible, snarky, snappy person who took it out on other people and myself. I was ill. That means I have a reason for why I was like that. But I had no reason and no excuse at all for not trying to minimise the effects on other people. You're not bad for feeling that way of course, and if you did everything to control it, then fine, it took me a whole lot of mindfulness practice and learning how to walk away- it's not easy or quick, but it is not THEIR problem, it is my problem, it was my responsibility to try and make sure I didn't put more anger, stress and unhappiness onto other people than I could prevent.

awsomer Sat 12-Jul-14 20:30:59

To clarify I was saying that OP is BU and should see her GP.

Goblinchild Sat 12-Jul-14 20:47:10

Mine have evenings when they can't cope with social interactions after being out in the world during the day. So they come home monosyllabic and go to their rooms and withdraw for a while and often cook in the early hours when they've got their brains back in balance.
They don't come in yelling and raging and flying off the handle at perfectly normal things, because it's unacceptable to lash out at other people for no reason.
Likewise when they are looking for peace and quiet and no interaction, I don't bother them with trivialities that can wait.
But an adult should be able to control their outbursts, should have coping strategies they can use and should implement them.
What happens when you lash out at your children for getting on your nerves when you have PMT? How do they feel?

Hamuketsu Sat 12-Jul-14 20:47:52

I take the point about severe PMS and how serious it can be. But if that is what the OP is suffering from, then surely she is doing neither herself or her relationship any justice by shunting the onus of this severe illness onto her DP who must just put up with it?

If your symptoms are so severe, then popping a couple of supplements and expecting your DP to shut up is selfish and negligent. You should be doing everything possible to find treatment to alleviate it. And if that isn't possible (I see a PP has suffered for 20 years) then finding strategies such as the intervention of friends, ways of protecting your family and taking lifestyle advice are hugely important.

littleblueballoon Sat 12-Jul-14 23:27:21

I love how everyone says "Go to your GP" like it's really easy to get medication that is guaranteed to sort PMS out. If only! You can try dozens and not get much effect.

PMS and the effect of hormones can be just awful. I thought it was well known that women are much more likely to commit serious crime during the week before their period. I'm not saying that violent crime is ever acceptable or that being difficult for a partner to live with is acceptable, but equally I'm not sure that telling a woman that the problem is all hers and that she needs to get a grip pre-menstrually is going to solve the problem either.

Lottiedoubtie Sat 12-Jul-14 23:35:47

I thought it was well known that women are much more likely to commit serious crime during the week before their period

Is it?

It is well known that men commit far more violent crime than women and they do it have the PMS defence.

I'm sorry for the women here reporting serious PMS behaviour changes. The only advice posters can give these women is see a doctor because a) what they are experiencing is not normal or healthy and b) the alternative is accepting it, and therefore by extension, accepting that women are prone to irrational behaviour 1 week a month.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Sat 12-Jul-14 23:46:03

I love how everyone says "Go to your GP" like it's really easy to get medication that is guaranteed to sort PMS out. If only! You can try dozens and not get much effect.

What, so it shouldnt be suggested because it mightnt work? Odd logic.

littleblueballoon Sat 12-Jul-14 23:51:31

Just saying....... "Go to your GP..." shouldn't be suggested with such confidence that it WILL work. Going to GP is worth a try, it might work, it might not and there is a large chance that it will take a lot of time to try different medication and still not be successful at the end of it.

If it really was as easy to get rid of PMT as many posters suggest, I think OP probably would have got rid of her PMT. I doubt she likes having PMT any more than anyone else likes having it or living with someone who has it.

MollyBdenum Sat 12-Jul-14 23:59:58

No, of course it isn't normal or healthy! It is, however, a genuine problem for a small minority of women. And doctors are not actually very much help - for most women with PMDD therere isn't a magic pill that makes it better. The most useful help I've had has been CBT which is, effectively, accepting that this is as normal as things get for me until the menopause, and dealing with it as best I can. I would love it if more research was done to find more effective treatment, but it isn't a big priority for researchers.

And saying that living with my medical condition means that accepting that women irrational for one week a month is like saying that pregnant women can't work because a small minority of women get hyperemesis. Very severe PMS isn't common, but it is pretty devastating for those of us who get it.

littleblueballoon Sun 13-Jul-14 00:06:53

Lottiedoubtie - gosh yes, women are much mroe likely to commit serious crime pre-menstrually - Google it.

Just for starters, an 1894 study found that of women arrested for "resisting public officials" 71% were pre-menstrual.
- Wallach 1968 found 45% of attempted and actual women suicides were pre-menstrual.
- Brunetti 1984 found 62% of female prison inmates in one prison were pre-menstrual when they commited their crime.

So perhaps we shouldn't be given the vote

I was one of those people who really didn't believe in PMT and had no trouble at all with my periods. Then I had DC. From moment I got pregnant first time, I have had depression, anxiety, migraines, all related 100% to hormones. I am working my way through traditional and alternative medicine to find something that helps. After nearly 20 years, I am still looking. So while I don't think OP's behaviour is acceptable, I do have sympathy for her and some awareness of just how difficult it can be to "remove yourself from the situation" if you have small children, bite your tongue etc. I do think other family members need to be understanding and supportive if OP is doing her best.

littleblueballoon Sun 13-Jul-14 00:10:39

PS *Lottie doubtie* - yes, of course men commit more violent crime than women. But when women commit it, they are often pre-menstrual.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Sun 13-Jul-14 00:14:22

Just saying....... "Go to your GP..." shouldn't be suggested with such confidence that it WILL work

did anyone suggest that it will work?

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