...to not know what to do? :((44 Posts)
Very long story short, both myself and my hubby had to come out of work in 2012, due to his Stroke and me to look after him and boys.
Anyway, I couldn't stand not working, as I'd never claimed a benefit (apart from the usual child ones) in my life, I'm 31 now. I decided to start an Open Uni degree and therefore my plan is to get back to work, hopefully with a better career / better salary. I was only ever Admin, whereas my hub was Operations management within the Utilities industry so was a pretty decent earner.
fast forward, few weeks back I find out I'm pregnant, completely unplanned and still shocked.
Anyhow, I'm in a pickle, because I really don't know what to do I don't want to have to abort, as my last 2 pregnancies ended in Miscarriage and I always wanted to grow with 3 children.
But...I feel as though people are going to just judge me as being just totally irresponsible, like when I go for the booking in appointment, I'm scared of what midwife will say, or think
My plan is to still return to work, in a new career (the OU degree is a 6-year one, part time) and I'm not particularly worried about my studies.
Anybody else fell pregnant when not working, or similar situation? What should I do?
Will I regret it for the rest of my life if I decide to abort? Even the thought of this gets me upset
If you're worried about what a midwife would say when you're asked your occupation (which you really shouldn't be, honestly), reply with 'a carer' as that's what you are. And based on the rude and nasty comments your parents have made to you, you'd be completely justified in reminding them of the 25 years your father never worked or the unclaimed tax on their business if they make any more comments to you.
ThePink Aww thank you, what a sweet comment
I've felt so much better today, from all these lovely comments x
OP congratulations!! You sound lovely BTW. A baby is something lovely, something to be celebrated not an embarrassment.
Like others say, who gives a shit what other people think?! They don't pay your bills!
An unmumsnetty hug from me xx
What other people might think is a terrible reason to consider an abortion.
This is your baby, growing inside you. Nobody else's opinion matters.
There is no shame is flaming some benefits at this stage. That's the intention of them. They get you though difficult times and enable you to pick yourself up in time and pay it back in taxes.
Do what is right for you and your baby.
Mrsj, they are, very much so, but what gets me about that, is my dad never worked for like 25 years, claiming to be 'sick', yet started a security job few years ago and hasn't claimed tax on it, as well as getting his pension, so as you can imagine they live a fairly comfortable lifestyle now, ram it down our throats, yet it angers me because his money is fraudulent Guess that's one for another thread hey?! x
Your parents sound very money orientated
Funky, I like your replies And yes, in some ways they did, put it this way, when my hub had his Stroke, the first thing my parents wanted to know was whether or not he had a life insurance policy
Your replies are all so very sweet, thank you xx
Silly thing to tell someone with a six year old but dont underestimate the amount a four year old will mature in a little less than a year.
If anyone did judge you they are wankers, they would have been of no comfort while you were mourning the loss of your regretted termination or your 3 dc family you actually want so badly.
People who judge are so un important it really shouldn't ever touch your life, cut those people out yes by all means. Don't make your life choices to keep their bitter tongues sweet.
The 4 yr old will be in school full time by the time 3 comes along so it wil be ok I have 2 but had an almost 5yr gap it was fine
Op I get how frustrating it is wanting to work and being unable too I only manage a few hours I wish I could do more
And if you want a response - tell them 'we thought we'd get another one in before I go back to work after my OU course'.
'children ruin your life'
Ok OP - if they ever say this to you again respond with 'in my case, it was the parents that ruined mine'.
Do not worry about what other people will think, ever! It's your life and they don't give a shit about upsetting you it would seem.
Thanks for the congratulations too guys, and the lil virtual flowers
Many women have babies and dont work for a variety of reasons you are your husbands carer its nobodies bussiness how many babies you chose to have ,why would a mw judge you there is no shame in having a baby, congratulations on your little surprise
I guess I feel embarrassed, with the fact that none of our income this time around is from employment Don't get me wrong, my husband's paid a decent whack of tax in his life (he's older than me, he's 50), so I do understand that his disability payments he gets now are earned from what he's paid over the years, but I can't shake off that feeling, that terrible stigma of what others would refer to as a 'scrounger'
and we're really not, we both hate not working and both have always had a very strong work ethic too.
I'm thinking too much aren't I?!
Sorry I disappeared! Fell asleep just after 10 last night, so just logged on now
Emotionally, I'd say we're pretty stable, though I do have the same guilt I had when I became pregnant with our second, in where I was worrying about how our first would feel etc., but I think that's pretty natural I guess? My hubby is not in a great way since his Stroke, physically he's not been left with any disabilities, his are mainly psychological, such as his memory, coordination, executive functioning etc., and there wouldn't be a way for him to return to his old line of work unfortunately, this is why I decided to take up the Open Uni (a goal of mine though anyway).
Financially, no, we're not in the best position, but, we would cope, I know this much, I think! Ok, pram system will need to be purchased off the likes of eBay now but that's not a huge concern.
A huge part of me is worried about how I will manage 3. Our eldest (6) is a dream but youngest (almost 4) is a complete handful! Is it much harder with a third??
Thank you all for your lovely comments so far though, you really have helped x
If you both want to have the baby, have the emotional and financial resources to cope, then have the baby.
Who cares what others think? There is seldom a "right time" to have a baby.
That said, I think (in general, not aimed at you OP) if you are not able to emotionally support a child then you have to think carefully about what you should do. I also think it is important to look at finances and make sure you can make ends meet somehow.
If you'll be studying for the next 6 years anyway then if anyone says anything just remind them of all the money you'll save in child care by being at home to be with your baby. If you waited until you were back at work then a large part of your salary would go towards childcare.
Please don't have an abortion because people read the Daily Mail
I can't believe people have been so brainwashed against the we large state that someone would consider abortion
please dont worry what people think i know people can be harsh but children are a gift accept it you will manage fine x
Ah OP, just think of this baby as a beautiful gift from above. I have 2 DD, always thought I'd have a 3rd DC. Never happened, but would have been so welcome.
Don't worry about what anybody else might think.
Oh and you are very young yet. I was 36 when I had Dd1.
If you abort you will probably always regret it. If you can have baby no 3 and you and your DH can cope with and care for all 3 then surely that's what you should do, and try to fit degree and job in around everything else when you can.
And anyone who says anything else than 'congratulations' (unless it's an offer of help and babyclothes) when you announce your pregnancy can go hang.
Sounds like your family deserves some good news!
DP also had a stroke in 2012. DS was 5 weeks old
How is your dh's recovery, is he able to be back at work yet? Or able to take on more of the childcare? Mine luckily is, although I went through months of guilt over whether I should find a job and let him be main carer for our tiny baby or whether him being the main earner was less stressful for him, and we'll be thinking about trying for dc2 after Christmas.
If you want 3 kids, have 3 kids. Your relationship is clearly strong enough to survive all kinds of shit, and just because things are dodgy now don't mean they always will be
Don't live your life for other people.
You're studying and working towards a better future. A baby is just the icing on the cake in years to come you'll wonder what on earth you were worried about !
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