to think that it's not giving up. It's accepting and moving on.

(51 Posts)
cornishbaby Fri 11-Jul-14 19:07:30

Wasn't sure how else to word this so I'll explain.

We have a 4yo, who was conceived very easily. We are so very fortunate and ds is everything to us.

We have been trying to 'complete our family' since ds turned two with no luck. It has most recently become so much harder to stay positive and I feel I can no longer cope with the emotional exhaustion and upset. I have found myself imagining life with only one child.

I am 24 and DH is 5 years older. We purposely got married and decided to have our babies young, and hoped to have them close together- as we wanted to be young enough when they reached a suitable age to take them travelling. We felt that while seeing the world together before children would be amazing- we could enjoy having a family earlier then share these life experiences with them. We save for this and really look forward to this. (Probably not for another 10 years! )
Any who.

My doctor will not progress further because we have no medical reasons causing us not to conceive.

We have come to the decision to stop trying next June, if we have not been lucky by then. We feel we've given it a good try.. (hell, we've done everything we can as a couple) but as the gap gets bigger between ds1 and potential future child, and the longer ttc leaves us feeling in limbo with life decisions (do we buy a small house and keep overall costs low..or do we buy big for growing into blah blah ) we need to set a limit.

Out for a girls meal last week and I shared this with them.
They were aghast that we would "give up" and I was told many stories of friends who had tried for 10 years then had a miracle child! Which is so great for them.. but I don't want to do that. I didn't have ds at the age I did to start over (hypothetically) ten years from now. I don't want to continue this heartbreaking routine month after month for years to come.

Aibu? This should be about us as a family right?

Pagwatch Fri 11-Jul-14 19:10:58

You do what is right for you. Any friends who are aghast are a bit odd tbh.
And I say that as someone who deliberately had a child ten years after my first.

OutragedFromLeeds Fri 11-Jul-14 19:16:28

YANBU do what's right for you.

SallyMcgally Fri 11-Jul-14 19:21:22

YANBU. Your friends should be supportive of your decisions. A heartbreaking routine for the next 10 years could shadow your precious time with your lovely son. xx

tilbatilba Fri 11-Jul-14 19:25:27

You need a different doctor x

Tangerinefairy Fri 11-Jul-14 19:26:23

It is entirely up to you. I have no idea why people would be aghast. I had Dd and then tried again when she was 4 (different circumstances to yours- gay relationship, using a known donor). First time was so easy, 2nd time wasn't, not to put too finer point on it. After several tries I decided I couldn't bear it, I hated the emotional and physical upheaval. In a way I was lucky because being gay meant I couldnt just "fall pregnant"! Once we stopped trying that really was it.

I'm not saying it was easy, I spent quite a while feeling sad about it but now, 7 years on I feel totally at peace with it and love having 1 child. We both accept that we are very lucky to have her. I will add though you are still very young, literally anything could happen in the future should you change your mind. I understand the need to "draw a line" though.

Dozer Fri 11-Jul-14 19:29:29

Very personal decision.

But is your dr (GP?) a barrier here? a lot of infertility is unexplained, people still get investigations, IVF etc. (If that's what they want to try).

Yanbu.

And at your age you can always change your mind one year if it again feel right.

deakymom Fri 11-Jul-14 19:30:17

i suppose you need to work out if you really want another child or if you want another child with a short gap between them mine all have large gaps (8 years between 1/2 4 years between 2/3) personally i prefer it that way the older children are potty trained and in nursery/school leaving me more time and money to deal with the baby

ignore other people they have been gasping at me and my choices for years grin

Iownafourinchporsche Fri 11-Jul-14 19:38:36

Just one question, what tests did your GP run on you? Has he done the day 21 progesterone test on you? Has he sent DH off for a sperm test? These are the very basic things a GP can do to check out your fertility. After two years you are entitled to these checks as a result if secondary infertility. Secondary infertility is an issue for a good number of women. Change GP's or make a formal complaint if your GP hasn't undertaken basic checks.

Because you have a period every month does NOT mean you definitely ovulate properly. I had regular periods but my eggs weren't quite mature enough. I needed a cheap, easy to take drug called clomid to help me conceive. We tried to conceive our second child for a good number of years and with minimal intervention we were successful.

FidgetPie Fri 11-Jul-14 19:39:20

It is entirely your choice and surely far better to be at peace with a decision than put your relationship under the strain of TTC if you don't have to.

However, as others have said, your GP is completely in the wrong. They should refer you to the local infertility clinic who can run tests and discuss options (eg Clomid tablets even if not IVF).

Jelliebabe2 Fri 11-Jul-14 19:42:28

Change you gp! I don't understand why they can't run some tests and maybe try chlomid, you're not asking for ivf fit his sake! As for when to move on, that's entirely up to you, not your friends!

NatashaBee Fri 11-Jul-14 19:46:22

YANBU - but if I were you I would be looking for a referral to a specialist to determine what the issue is. What tests have they done? There's a lot that they can do even if you don't want to go all the way down the treatment path to IVF.

McFlickle Fri 11-Jul-14 19:48:33

I think there is nothing wrong with accepting your situation. At the end of the day what else can you do? That is what I did before I had even had my first as I took a long time to conceive. After years of angst I accepted that it hadn't happened and probably wouldn't. Started planning a child free life then I did end up getting pregnant unexpectedly at 40+ and happily had to 'unaccept' it.

Do you plan to start using contraception? Or just not "try"? I didn't use any as I thought there was no point.
Of course YANBU to stop at one but as there is no medical reason you haven't conceived no 2 I would say without contraception at 24 yo it's likely you could fall pg again sometime in the next 16 or so years.
Obviously do what is right for you but why not have a short break from TTC and take the pressure off for a little while? I am familiar with that heartbreaking routine! Then have another go before you decide to stop for good.

Iownafourinchporsche Fri 11-Jul-14 19:48:48

What area of the uk do you live in OP?

cornishbaby Fri 11-Jul-14 20:12:51

Thank you for the replies, it has been niggling me. I don't ever want to 'give up' on a child, even one that's not yet conceived. That notion upsets me .. its already been a very difficult descion to make.

For those asking- I am in Birmingham. .. go has done tests and had a scan on my ovaries. I don't have periods thanks to what I assume was a long time on the injection prior to ds. . . Scan showed nothing obvious.

We take vits, I take my temperature, we use ovulation tests (always negative) we DTD all the freaking time. . . Legs up against the walls... and all the other silly things 'they' say does the trick. I even spent 2 months eating kiwi after kiwi thanks to some woman on babycentre insisting this would be the key. yes I did momentarily lose my marbles

Tangerinefairy Fri 11-Jul-14 20:18:44

I feel for you. Reading that brings it all back! It can be totally obsessive and sometimes it just gets too much and you want to be done with it. It's the hope and then the dissapointment each time isn't it?

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary Fri 11-Jul-14 20:21:13

I think the lack of periods needs further investigation rather than just assuming it is time on the injection. Have you had a period at all since having your ds 4 years ago?

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary Fri 11-Jul-14 20:22:16

If you had your ds at 20 you really can't have spent that long on the injection ?

firesidechat Fri 11-Jul-14 20:24:56

No periods since the injection? That doesn't seem right and surely more investigation needed. Only if you want another child of course and it is totally your decision.

SugarMiceInTheRain Fri 11-Jul-14 20:25:31

Definitely seems like you deserve and would be eligible for further investigation into the lack of periods. I had 2 children and was still able to have some treatment, including Clomid in my attempts to conceive a 3rd. In the end we decided to give up trying, made our peace with stopping at 2, and 6 years later we had #3, a complete surprise!

NatashaBee Fri 11-Jul-14 20:35:07

So all your tests were done by your GP? And he hasn't referred you to a specialist? That doesn't sound right. I don't think you would be eligible for NHS funded IVF if you've already had one child but there's a wealth of other things that they can do to assist.

firesidechat Fri 11-Jul-14 20:40:17

I agree Natasha. I don't think lack of periods at your very young age can be blamed on the injection. If this contraceptive method stopped fertility in it's tracks then no one would ever use it.

Dozer Fri 11-Jul-14 20:42:08

You would be eligible for further checks at fertility clinic.

piratecat Fri 11-Jul-14 20:48:08

you don't have periods and you don't ovulate? is this what you meant by negative ovulation tests?

have you had the Luteinising hormone test that shows if you are ovulating?

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