AIBU to want MIL to keep her kind thoughts to herself?

(110 Posts)
BreconBeBuggered Fri 11-Jul-14 14:11:13

Call from MIL, 'out of kindness', as she looks at a set of family photos she took last weekend. 'Brecon', she says. 'I hope you don't mind me being honest here, but you haven't half put on some weight lately'.

I don't know who she thinks might appreciate that kind of observation, but the thing is, she only ever does this when I have actually lost weight. I get to the point where clothes are starting to feel looser and look that bit better, and every time, every fucking time, she'll hit me with the Fatso Brecon jibe. For context, I'm a size 14-16, while every other female in the photos, including MIL, is a 6-8, so I can't deny I look a bit hefty by comparison, but I don't actually want to be a size 8. Does anyone else have such a thoughtful MIL, and AIBU to think she should shut the fuck up?

AbbieHoffmansAfro Fri 11-Jul-14 14:13:55

Quite sneaky, it seems to me: a put-down disguised as concern. Everyone can already see you are larger than the other women. It doesn't need pointing out.

I would say quite calmly-'MIL, you always do this when I've lost weight. What's that about?' and see what she says.

Darksideofthemoon88 Fri 11-Jul-14 14:14:41

No, YADNBU. If you'd asked for her opinion, fine. If you were at serious risk of killing yourself through over-eating, perhaps - if she could do it tactfully. As it is, NO! Rude, horrible woman. I'd suggest you get your DP to have a word with her and tell her to wind her neck in pronto.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jul-14 14:15:15

YANBU.
It's rude and hurtful and I don't see how she would think that anybody would be ok with that level of honesty.

Being truthful (if it is indeed truthful) is no excuse for being rude and you should say as much to her.

Perhaps say 'I hope you don't mind me being honest here, but you haven't half turned into a outspoken rude person lately'

Salmotrutta Fri 11-Jul-14 14:15:35

I think we have the same MIL.

I get by on gritted teeth and lots of "Gosh, that was quite rude".

Don't get me wrong, my MIL isn't the Devil incarnate but she is tricky to deal with and has no diplomacy or sense of social boundaries.

But she has been an adoring Gran and Mum I have to say.

AnyoneForTennis Fri 11-Jul-14 14:15:44

Well is she right ? Have you suddenly put loads on? A size 14/16 isn't small.... Sudden weight gain can indicate illnesses, maybe this is genuine?

SarcyMare Fri 11-Jul-14 14:18:15

Anyone read the OP
"but the thing is, she only ever does this when I have actually lost weight"

YouTheCat Fri 11-Jul-14 14:19:09

AnyoneforTennis, did you even read the opening post?

OP clearly states she has lost weight.

Meerka Fri 11-Jul-14 14:20:56

bamboo's answer is pretty good!

You have to stand up to her or she'll keep on making comments like this, whether it's from doziness or from a hidden desire to put you down.

Rollermum Fri 11-Jul-14 14:21:01

Tennis is that quite rude though? 14/16 is not necessarily large on everyone. Depends on build. Also OP said she has lost weight in her post.

OP - I've been all sorts of sizes and there is a little subcategory of (usually) women who like to put you down if you lose weight. They feel threatened maybe, they liked you were you were bolstering up their flimsy self esteem. Ignore!

PosingInManilla Fri 11-Jul-14 14:22:53

My mum would do this. My MIL - never.

My mum thinks she is being helpful as though somehow I haven't noticed my hair needs a cut, or my jeans are getting too tight. I can in all honesty say, the fact I have a good job, great husband, healthy kids and a nice house are incidental to my mum. My appearance is the one thing she comments on positively or negatively usually negatively.

My mum can talk for an hour about the best way to lose a stone. I don't think she even knows what my job title is.

Grinds teeth into dust

PosingInManilla Fri 11-Jul-14 14:23:54

And just for clarity, my mum is a nice person - she just has some weird obsession with other people's weight

HellonHeels Fri 11-Jul-14 14:24:17

I reckon she's sabotaging your weight loss, OP.

She sees you've lost some weight, doesn't like it (for whatever messed up reason) and tries to undermine you by telling you you look fatter.

whattheseithakasmean Fri 11-Jul-14 14:25:36

This is the sort of thing my MIL would do - she is very thin and very proud of that fact. Sadly for her, I am also pretty thin, which I know she finds irksome. She loved it when I was pregnant, because she could go on and on about my weight gain.

She is always going on about how fat other women are, but I refuse to join in.

Perhaps say - 'Funny that, I was just thinking you'd put on a bit of weight yourself. You look good, it suits you'.

Mrsgrumble Fri 11-Jul-14 14:27:02

What a bitchy thing to do. I would avoid all phonecalls and visits for a good while. She may end up lonely, but deserves it. Could your husband pull her up on it?

BreconBeBuggered Fri 11-Jul-14 14:30:54

14/16 probably is quite large on me, to be fair to Tennis, but due to a disability I can't be nearly as active as I used to be, so all the well-meaning criticism in the world won't help me lose large amounts of weight. A lot of people are slightly scared of MIL, and she's a great one to have in your corner. Not so much fun when you're the target.

DH would go ballistic if I told him. We have enough stress going on at the moment (hence the purely incidental weight loss). I don't think I could take another layer of drama.

"Gosh, I was just looking at the photos from that weekend and thinking exactly the same. Do you think {whoever took the photos} was using a wide lens, because we all seem to look like we've put on weight…. you especially, MIL. I'm so glad we have the sort of relationship where we can tell each other these things honestly!"

Greenrememberedhills Fri 11-Jul-14 14:34:19

When I went to a diet class and lost a couple of stones, my SiL nearly had a meltdown. For example, she would say I "couldn't weigh" x because she did!

I was hurt at first, then I realised that she is one of those people who externalises her low self esteem by making snarky remarks to others. She feared that her previously "slimmer than me" figure gave her one advantage, which I had just accidentally taken away from her.

I think a combination of ignore works best in the main, but direct comments like that should be challenged. It's pitiful, actually.

Well done on the loss, too.

Greenrememberedhills Fri 11-Jul-14 14:37:27

Lol at Whats response. Brilliant.

zzzzz Fri 11-Jul-14 14:44:30

Don't respond, just put the phone down and move on. She'll soon learn not to discuss your appearance with you.

Showy Fri 11-Jul-14 14:50:43

My MIL is always commenting on my weight. Only the other day she told me not to worry as I'm one of those people who isn't meant to be slim. I'm a size 8.

quietbatperson Fri 11-Jul-14 14:50:55

The only response to that is 'oh, piss off'. If she dares to be offended, then ask her exactly how it is OK for her to dish it out but not receive it.

ApocalypseThen Fri 11-Jul-14 15:36:00

No excuse for unasked comments on others' bodies.

CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss Fri 11-Jul-14 15:40:22

YANBU. Your MIL sounds horrible. Just no need to comment at all! She just wanted to make you feel shit!
My mother is like this, since the age of 14 I have been "putting on weight", 12 years on and two kids later I'm still a size 6. During my pregnancies I looked "like the back end of a bus".
She describes my size 8-10 sister as "having a weight problem" and can still recall being absolutely gobsmacked when she asked her if her period was due because she "looked like it might be" (women in our family tend to get a small amount of bloating prior to period).
Your MIL is the one with the problem op, not you. You may be bigger than her but at least you're not a miserable vile bitch.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Fri 11-Jul-14 15:49:43

My mother is one of these. She thinks I am too plump (5 foot 2 and eight stone, well within the BMI), my hair is "wrong" because it is dark and curly not straight and blonde like her and my sisters. My skin "has never improved since I was a teenager". Oh, and my dress sense is "too girly and feminine" (the leggy blondes in my family all wear lots of neutrals and jeans, kind of like a banana republic advert. I prefer skirts and colours).

The thing is, she is genuinely a lovely person and otherwise only has kind and supportive things to say about me. I don't know where this appearance tourettes comes from.

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