AIBU to not let my newborn DD stay with her dad for a week?

(88 Posts)
Dandybella Thu 10-Jul-14 15:37:25

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant.

My partner is a psychological bully and a control freak, which naively I have only just paid any proper attention to and I have subsequently left our home after a series of incidents and arguments and come to my mums house 50 miles away from him. We have not split up as such, although it would very much appear as the situation deepens that it will end up that way. Which I'm not even sad about. I am since feeling a lot calmer and more relaxed and looking back I should have done this a year ago. But I didn't and here we are.

We have been discussing arrangements about what will happen when she's born so that he can see her. I've said he's welcome to come here every day if he so wishes, and that when I've got to grips with new-motherhood I will happily take her to his flat to see him and his family. This is not good enough by his standards, and he wants to have her on his own for the 2nd week of her life.

I'm planning on breastfeeding so no idea how he reckons he's going to get around that one, and he has absolutely no experience of babies or children and has never even changed a nappy. He asked me a while ago why I had bought a baby bath, and when I explained the obvious, said 'we don't need one of those, we'll just take her in the shower with us.'

He is making me feel absolutely terrible about saying no to him taking her, and will not let it slide. AIBU?

TwosaCrowd Thu 10-Jul-14 15:39:11

Of course you aren't BU.

beccajoh Thu 10-Jul-14 15:43:46

YADNBU. If you're breastfeeding, and given the situ I would try seriously hard to make it work, then that's really the end of the discussion to be honest. Does your midwife know your situation? It'd definitely be worth telling her, or perhaps seeing if you can speak to to the HV or GP about this because I'm sure there must be support available.

TheTertiumSquid Thu 10-Jul-14 15:46:03

Just say no - no explanations, no guilt, no feeling terrible.
No court on earth would order a newborn away from its breastfeeding mother to spend a week with the father.
Think carefully about him being on the birth certificate and parental responsibility. If you are unmarried he doesn't automatically get either of these. Consider your future and what the best plan of action is if he is a controlling bully.

2cats2many Thu 10-Jul-14 15:47:22

Don't give in to his ridiculous demands. Say no. And keep saying it until he gets the message.

NatashaBee Thu 10-Jul-14 15:47:36

YANBU at all, your proposal is perfectly sensible. I agree, speak to the MW/HV about your concerns so that it is all documented. Have you thought about whether you're going to put him on the birth certificate?

divingoffthebalcony Thu 10-Jul-14 15:48:48

A WEEK?

Not if she's a week old.

Or a year old.

Or five years old.

Corygal Thu 10-Jul-14 15:49:09

He sounds insane. YADNBU. Well done on leaving him and stick to your guns.

I don't want to freak you out, but I don't think your lovely DD would be safe with him for 5 minutes.

FederationPresidentBarryFife Thu 10-Jul-14 15:49:45

Jesus Christ YADNBU. Your baby's welfare comes first and he or she needs to be with you. Breastfeeding especially, but even if you don't the place for a newborn baby is with it's mother. And I second TheTertiumSquid regarding the birth certificate.

Well done for getting away and being so calm!

YouTheCat Thu 10-Jul-14 15:49:54

What Tertium said.

He is going to try and use the baby as a form of control. Only that kind of person would think it is okay to part a baby from its mother who is breast feeding (or even if you were FF tbh).

Dandybella Thu 10-Jul-14 15:53:20

Thank you everyone. Knew I wasn't being ridiculous as he's making out. Have spoken to my old midwife about it all because I had to let her know that I was swapping care providers but going to see my new one on Monday so will let them know too.

Susyb30 Thu 10-Jul-14 15:57:49

Please talk to someone about this, what kind of man would take his newborn baby away from its mother (never mind the fact you are breastfeeding). He sounds like a very selfish, self centred excuse of a man..you are well rid. Do not give in to any of his ridiculous demands. Good luck with everything, and be strong.

Make sure you have proof of everything (like an email or letter saying he wants to have his DD at a week old for a week). It makes him look seriously not focused on his child's welfare.

WTF?

He clearly doesn't give a toss about the welfare of your (joint) baby nor have the faintest clue about the needs of a baby.

Until he can act like a grown up, make some effort to understand how to care for a baby and meet their needs (which means staying close to Mummy in early infancy), then he is not fit to see said baby, let alone have sole charge.

HugoTheHippo Thu 10-Jul-14 16:01:38

YADNBU! You need to be with your baby at that time, even if you weren't breastfeeding. It's vital bonding time. Say no. Any reasonable father wouldn't dream of asking this.

ApocalypseThen Thu 10-Jul-14 16:04:13

Would his mother not talk to him?

weatherall Thu 10-Jul-14 16:04:19

Whatever you do don't jointly register her with him.

He will have a hold over you forever and you won't be able to escape his abuse.

If he isn't good enough for you he isn't good enough for your dd, biology is irrelevant here.

Cut out this abuser while you still can.

Dandybella Thu 10-Jul-14 16:07:55

His mother died when he was 15. I somet

Dandybella Thu 10-Jul-14 16:11:14

Ooops!

I sometimes wonder if that has anything to do with the way he's turned out, I was going to say.

Don't think I'm going to put him on the birth certificate. Have been debating it for some time but don't think it's a good idea at all really.

Thank you all so much, for so long I've been wondering if his behaviour is normal and it's so good to see that it's not just me that thinks he's a complete knob jockey!

MexicanSpringtime Thu 10-Jul-14 16:13:51

I second that opinion about not registering the baby under his name.
It doesn't mean you have to cut him right out of the child's life, if you don't want to, but at least he can't use the baby to control you.

Another one saying don't put him on the birth certificate - and definitely don't let him take your newborn away from you. I wouldn't let him have her on his own for an hour, let alone a week!shock

fatlazymummy Thu 10-Jul-14 16:21:37

Just a word of warning - it's not as simple as just not putting him on the birth certificate. He can apply for parental responsibility, and to have his name added.

EarthWindFire Thu 10-Jul-14 16:24:14

Just a word of warning - it's not as simple as just not putting him on the birth certificate. He can apply for parental responsibility, and to have his name added.

^ this.

Of course your ex shouldn't have your DC for a week and it is a ludicrous idea, however so would take legal advice about the birth certificate.

MimiSunshine Thu 10-Jul-14 16:24:38

Well if he has thought about it, he'll presumably be planning on giving the baby a bottle (I doubt he's thought about it).

Don't get in to a discussion over it, don't ask him questions of 'well how will you feed the baby? will you be up every hour in the night?' Just email him and say you will not be giving him the new born breastfed baby for a week 7 days after birth but he is welcome to visit every day while he is on paternity leave.

No further info, just a statement of the facts. Register her with your surname and his as a 2nd middle name.

RoseberryTopping Thu 10-Jul-14 16:25:42

Oh god, I can not imagine the feeling of having your newborn baby away from me for an entire week, never mind a day!
I don't even think it's a sexist thing to say that it's more important baby stays with mum for a good while, you've been growing them for 9 months and would totally go against nature to have baby away from you.

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