To think in a marriage - there shouldn't be so much "privacy"

(59 Posts)
ToForgiveIsCanine Thu 10-Jul-14 11:31:33

DF and I are getting married next June but it's becoming increasingly frustrating that he seems to think so much of his life needs to remain "private " (almost secret) from me. What pisses me off further is that this is a complete contrast to what he expects from me.

The latest one is that his mum has just given him £5k. Great. We've discussed it, I've said it's his money, he decides what happens to it etc etc and he's insisted he'll use it to sort our finances. Lovely. Now I've just seen a "private" skype conversation (it popped up when I put the computer on) where he's told his son that grandma is also giving him and his brother £1k each. Again, lovely but why would he not mention it to me? Why keep that private/secret? He knows all about the money my mum gave my kids, why would he not think to mention it like I talk to him about stuff like that? If it was just a one off it wouldn't be so bad but he's done it a few times. His son asked "us" to pay for a car - a big conversation took place over a couple of days between him and DP yet it never got mentioned to me once. I only found out they were discussing it as he left his Facebook open and his son replied whilst I was using the pc.

A few months ago dp came home from picking up his kids and said "looks like ds won't need to stay with us for a week now" ... I was like "eh???" And he said oh ... I told you ex was having an operation and I agreed with her that ds could stay with us whilst she recovered but they've sorted it do it doesn't matter". He did NOT discuss this with me at all.

And then DSS says last weekend "so you're still ok with me and girlfriend coming away with you next year then?" DP mutters "yeah no big deal is it". I say "what's this?" And he says "oh when we go to Bath I said we could take them down at the same time, they won't be staying with us though, don't worry". I should fucking hope not, it's our honeymoon!!!

So yeah he just never involves me. The latest one (him not mentioning to me that his mum has given his kids money and slyly breaking it to them behind my back) has just broke the camels back I think. I tell him everything.

JessMcL Thu 10-Jul-14 11:41:13

Re the money- sorry, but I don't think that's any of your business and you shouldn't be reading private conversations- whether they pop up on your screen or not. I also wouldn't bring it up with him- he has more right to be annoyed with you about interfering in something that is nothing to do with you then you do with him. Get over it- I can't see why it's your business if I'm honest? I'm assuming his mum gave his share to him for both of you- which he is sensibly using from the sound of it. But the money for your stepchildren? Mind your own. My parents gave DS a generous cheque for his birthday- I only know how much it was because he asked me to save it for him, it wasn't my place to know.

The other things are a bit of a problem though, you need to sit down and tell him that he needs to arrange plans with you (if it involves you, your property and your money of course- otherwise again, not really your business ) before he does with anyone else.

I honestly think your trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. I'm assuming you tell him everything through choice, not force- otherwise this is a whole different matter.

So based on my assumptions- YABU.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 10-Jul-14 11:42:35

Yeah, I'd not marry this one...seems like he doesn't value you and makes decisions without you being part of the equation. You need sustained evidence that he does value you in this family and that isn't going to happen quickly.

Chattymummyhere Thu 10-Jul-14 11:46:38

Run and run fast.

This sounds horrible his keeping secrets and hiding things, these are only the things you have found out god knows what else there could be.

Do you really want to marry a man who Invites people to your honeymoon? Discusses large costs (car) behind your back even though it will be joint money ?

That isn't 'privacy'. It's taking the piss.

Unless you have completely separate finances, then requests from other people for gifts/loans of money need to be discussed openly.

Any arrangement to have children in the house need to be discussed - not necessarily for you to 'agree' to his son staying while his ex has an operation, but it ought to be in the general 'planning' of what is happening and when.

And inviting people to join in with the travel to your honeymoon ought to have been discussed properly, and you should have had the chance to say no if you didn't much like the idea.

Honestly, I would not be marrying someone who didn't think my views were important enough to even tell, let alone ask about this kind of stuff.

MidniteScribbler Thu 10-Jul-14 11:58:56

He must be bloody good in bed, because I can't see any other redeeming qualities. Why exactly are you marrying him?

Chachah Thu 10-Jul-14 12:01:49

saying "you shouldn't read private conversations even if they pop up on your screen"... lovely sentiment, but highly unrealistic imho.

who wouldn't?!

OP, sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with DF about what is his private business, and what is your common business that you need to both discuss. Agree to some common rules that will apply to both of you.

VodkaJelly Thu 10-Jul-14 12:11:11

Do you have to be open and honest with him about all aspects of your life? Is this something he wants or it just that you tell him everything and dont hide stuff because you like to share your life with him?

DP is very much like your DP. They are not big secrects like buying cars but they are normally arrangements to go out. I only get to hear about them nearer the time, or if a mate rings him, he doesnt tell me. But I think that is just him whereas i like to share everything with him.

We went through a bad patch last year and i withdrew from him, didnt tell him anything I was doing, who I was talking to or what they said to or anything that happened at work. He didnt like it at all and when I mentioned something he was all "but you never told me". I explained that is what he does to me all the time and to be fair he is a lot better.

But hiding big secrets is a big red flag.

Is it just things with his family that he doesnt share with you or does this extend to friends and mundane day to day things? Every example you listed is to do with his family. Maybe he feels you are not really family??

wheresthelight Thu 10-Jul-14 12:12:36

Money to his kids is none of your business unless it is Co in out of your joint money. If it is from your future mil then it's nothing to do with you and Yabvu to think your should have a say/input/notification of it

As to the discussion about ds staying get amd holidays etc yanbu and that needs addressing

HecatePropylaea Thu 10-Jul-14 12:23:01

big big problem.

Families discuss things.

If he just does what he wants and thinks you have no right to know about anything, that's a problem.

What did you mean by it being in complete contrast to what he expects from you? Does he refuse to tell you anything while demanding total openness from you?

now THAT would be a huge problem. Massive.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Thu 10-Jul-14 12:23:21

Hmm, I know I'm going against the grain on this one, but I don't necessarily see the malicious intent here.

Are you certain that DP is actively trying to hide things/keep things from you, as opposed to just not seeing a need to tell you or forgetting that you don't already know?

I ask this because a lot of what you say sounds like my H. Not a bit of it is privacy though - he is just scatty (so often forgets to tell me things) and often genuinely doesn't understand why I would be interested to know something (like our niece moving in with her BF, MIL needing an operation etc.)

We have been together for 20 years and, although it does drive me mad at times, that is just the way he is. He is not doing it to "keep secrets" or intentionally exclude me.

For example, I found out last week that SIL would be joining us for the last weekend of our summer holiday in August. She is having a separate holiday about 25 miles away from us, which is due to end on the Thursday. She doesn't drive & was due to return home by train. DH told her that we had plenty of room (static caravan) and why didn't she come up to us for a few days & we could all travel home together?

I wasn't told because "we have room, you like her, so I didn't think you would mind". I probably would have agreed but it would have been nice to be consulted. Some men (well some people really) just don't think.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 10-Jul-14 12:23:35

Why does he even want to marry you when you're treated as an afterthought? I would not marry this person. I disagree though about the kids money, why should he not mention it to you.

VodkaJelly Thu 10-Jul-14 12:38:28

wheresthelight - I totally disagree with you. Yes, the MIL giving money to other people is none of the OP's business, but what is the harm from her DP mentioning it to her.

Its not as if the OP would be shouting about how unfair it is, or try to claim the money herself, it would have done no harm to even mention it.

"OP, my mum has given me £5000 and my DC £1000 each, isnt that nice?"

OP "Oh how lovely of her"

Nope cant see that problem with that at all. I dont see why he has had to keep OP in the dark about it, why wouldnt he want to share the information?

caeleth84 Thu 10-Jul-14 12:47:05

YANBU

Echoing what others have said. He doesn't seem to consider you part of the family at all - it's like he's single and doing (and planning) whatever he wants, and sometimes he'll tell you about it and sometimes he won't. Because it clearly isn't important to him that you're on the same page...

Even if the money has nothing to do with you, it's still a significant amount of money, which presumably means something to him, and therefore he should want to share the news with you at the very least. The car, staying at your home and holiday are all just absurd.

You need to have a serious conversation with him about this, and if he doesn't change (not say he will, but actually do so), you should seriously consider if you want to go through with the marriage. I can't see that ending well as it is.

ToForgiveIsCanine Thu 10-Jul-14 12:59:18

It's not that I wanted a say in the money at all, it's just as other posters have said, isn't that the kind if thing you share with your spouse?? Just as a "nice news" type thing? Yet he'll tell me a load of irrelevant news from work "oh Paul from accounts has just found out his daughter is having a baby" yet he keeps more personal stuff to himself? And yes he does ask me to be open and honest about everything. He kicked off a few months back because ds had asked me for a new phone ... I didn't agree to it but dp found out that it had been mentioned and went mad because I'd not told him he'd even asked for one. Yet his ds asks for a car and it's fine to keep THAT private? I sometimes don't think he thinks of me as family at all. No doubt he can't wait to tell his ex the news about the money but hey, who am I eh.

bellarations Thu 10-Jul-14 13:08:39

I would not marry someone like this personally because I see marriage as sharing a life together. Not him doing his thing with "his family".

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 10-Jul-14 13:11:11

Don't marry him. It is the double-standard that is the problem.

wheresthelight Thu 10-Jul-14 13:13:08

I have step kids and wouldn't see it as dramatic as people here if my inlaws gave them money that dp didn't tell me about. It's not my business, yes it's a nice news thing but it is not imperative that I know about it.

You seem intent on believing it is malicious and your comments about his ex say far more about your own insecurity imo.

CwtchesAndCuddles Thu 10-Jul-14 13:15:23

It sounds like you both need to sit down and discuss how you view your relationship and set some ground rules - I wouldn't even consider marriage unless you are both clear on what you expect from the relationship!

ViviPru Thu 10-Jul-14 13:16:15

Oh Jesus think twice about marrying this person. This has got shitstorm written all over it.

BrainSurgeon Thu 10-Jul-14 13:18:24

Whooa big red flag!!! Sorry OP, that's totally unacceptable...secretive and controlling! Very bad combination. I would seriously re-consider marrying him.
At best, I would have a very serious talk about him changing his behaviour, and postpone the wedding until he can prove he has changed.

JessMcL Thu 10-Jul-14 13:18:48

I can't wrap my head around why people think it's the OPs business that (what sounds like) her adult/nearly adult stepchildren are being given money by their grandparent.

Baffled to what goes through people's minds sometimes.

Badvoc2 Thu 10-Jul-14 13:18:51

Woah.
Red flags all over the shop

HecatePropylaea Thu 10-Jul-14 13:21:14

I think you would be foolish to marry him.

It is very VERY worrying that he expects and demands total transparency from you as his right, but believes that you have no right to the same from him.

You would not have a happy life with this man.

You are not happy with things now. What makes you believe that tying yourself to him would improve matters?

If you choose to marry him, when you know exactly what he is like, and that you are not happy - then your life with him is your choice, be it a happy or unhappy one.

I hope that you make a different choice because I honestly believe you will be no happier as his wife than as his fiancee.

JessMcL Thu 10-Jul-14 13:22:33

Am I missing something? When did the OP say he "demands total transparency" from her???

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