to think no you had your chances

(68 Posts)
moolady1977 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:28:33

oldest ds is 14 has been getting into trouble at school out of school being a total pita well about 6 weeks ago we found out he had been wagging it were called into school for a meeting now the thing is we said the small consequences were not bothering him so we said right next time you wag school we get rid of 1 of your bearded dragons (he has 3,, day to day looking after feeding cleaning out is left to me and dh as he cba ), we had a phone call today from school its sports day and community day but guess what he is wagging it and then lies to us about it , dh says the beardy is going and yes i agree in a sense but our ds is laid on his bed crying because he doesnt want him to go ,this is after ive had to chase him round our estate because he had hit his sister aibu in saying i agree with his dad the beardy goes or do i go against his dad and 1 cause a row and 2 let ds walk all over me

Where's the lizard (which didn't do anything wrong) going to go? Yes, he needs some serious consequences but that seems like a pretty unreasonable punishment. If it was all 3 going to a good home together I'd understand.

moolady1977 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:34:29

we have a reptile shop close by who rehome them , the beardies all live in seperate vivs ,we have tried everything we can think of this really was the last punishment we could think of , i agree the beardy didnt do anything wrong

Igggi Wed 09-Jul-14 17:37:15

Strange to punish by getting rid of a living thing. It's not an iPad or Xbox.

Is there really no other punishment?

Removal of X Box/Laptop etc?

You are now teaching your children that pets are disposable.

FabULouse Wed 09-Jul-14 17:38:02

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500smiles Wed 09-Jul-14 17:38:26

Tbh that seems like a disproportionate response IMO. Getting rid of all of them would be an appropriate response to him neglecting them very badly but after he had been warned.

Smilesandpiles Wed 09-Jul-14 17:39:14

You gave him a chance and told him the consequence, now you have to follow it through. If you give in now he'll take the piss forever more.

Bye Bye Beardy.

Have you asked him if he is having problems that is causing him to skip school?'

How close are you?

My last post was a bit snippy, but it's not a message to give him.

My DD was a nightmare 13-14, but turned things around and is doing well at now nearly 19.

Your post is quite difficult to read however if I've picked you up correctly you intend to rehome your son's pet because he keeps truanting from school?

YABVVU. The two issues are totally unrelated. You took the decision to buy a pet for your son, you are responsible for that animal. You should not use a sentient creature as something to punish your son with.

moolady1977 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:40:53

he had all techie stuff and priveleges took away from him this is the only time he has shown any emotion at all or even seems sorry if you have any other suggestions id love to hear them but we really are at the end of our tether with it all

I see. To be honest, if he's not looking after them, I would probably be looking to rehome all three! It just sounded very odd initially, sorry.

TweedleDi Wed 09-Jul-14 17:41:22

And then what though? There is a danger that you will end up escalating the punishments and just increasing the level of conflict without getting to the bottom of things. Do you know why he is truanting?

Shallishanti Wed 09-Jul-14 17:42:00

I agree, if you have said you will do it you must do it- the lizard will be happy enough I presume
BUT, if he cba looking after any of them, I would have rehomed them before now anyway

To be fair, a child of that age shouldn't if been given Dragons, they are an older teen/adult pet.

You need to give him a chance to start caring for them, or they go.

Pets aren't disposable.

OP are you communicating with your Son, do you know what has started this behaviour?

FederationPresidentBarryFife Wed 09-Jul-14 17:43:51

I think you WNBU to have this as a last resort punishment but I would say there is still wiggle room with this...or you risk your DS turning against you completely - he won't associate his pain and upset with his bad behaviour I don't think. I think he will just see it as another example of his parents being mean (not that you are - just a teenage perception!).

How about you say OK - you have a week to ear the dragon back and set seven tasks to do each per day - e.g. apologise to school, apologise to sister etc etc then in one month is there are any AT ALL reports of skiving/wagging then. That's it.

You could even call it "dragon quest"!!!

Is he setting off from home to go to school on his own or is a parent going with him? When my DN started skipping school my DB just said, right, if you can't find the place on your own I'll make sure you do, and brought DN to school every day and walked him directly to the office.

Agree that you would be VVU to rehome his animals over it. If you take it a pet you take it in for that pet's life (barring, of course, the pet being vicious to humans).

littledrummergirl Wed 09-Jul-14 17:44:26

I disagree with this approach totally. Yabvvvu.
My ds1 has guinea pigs and it would break his heart if I were to remove one of them. I wouldnt expect my relationship with him to be good if I did that. In fact I suspect he would never forgive me.

Why did you think that this approach would make him behave?

When you give consequences they should be fair and something you are prepared to follow through, how much consideration did you give this when you told him this would be the result of further bad behaviour?

You have backed yourself into a corner and can either follow through (with the consequences) or talk to him.
I would explain why his pet was going and ask him what options he would consider a fair trade off. Explain that there will be consequences, responsibility etc.
This is he sort of thing that can break a relationship.

drudgetrudy Wed 09-Jul-14 17:44:53

This is a lesson to you to think about the consequences you are prepared to use in advance, threatening consequences you don't want to stick to leads to problems.
This seems an OTT consequence but on the other hand if you make threats and back down he will not respect your boundaries. (I say this in a friendly way as I was always doing this when I had teenagers and it is not helpful.)
It is easy to make a threat and then to feel you would be mean to carry it through.
Having said that getting rid of a pet is harsh and will lead to resentment- I would change the consequence in this case (no money, lifts, computer time?).
When its calmed down I would also have a chat and listen properly to why he wanted to avoid sports day and whether there are any issues at school making him unhappy.

FederationPresidentBarryFife Wed 09-Jul-14 17:44:55

sorry terrible typing - basically a task a day foe a week and a month of probation to EARN the dragon back.

moolady1977 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:49:43

truanting because he doesnt like the lesson or the teacher , today was sports day then community day his excuse was he didnt want to sit on the field all morning ,, they arent neglected me and his dad are caring for them they are very happy beardies

AgathaF Wed 09-Jul-14 17:53:05

I don't think it is right to re-home his pet over this issue.

Have you asked him why he is skipping school? Is he being bullied, not coping with lessons, problems with a teacher, bored? There is a reason for his actions and you need to find out what that reason is. Have you talked to the teaching staff at school to see if they can identify a problem?

How about rewarding him for good behaviour, rather than punishing him when he does wrong. You have said that the punishments aren't working, so I think you need a new strategy now.

AgathaF Wed 09-Jul-14 17:57:22

X posts. I can understand not wanting to participate in sports day, tbh. I think they are grim.

You say he doesn't like the teacher or lesson. Has he said why he doesn't like them? Is he struggling with the work? What's the problem exactly with the teacher? Are his friends truanting as well?

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 09-Jul-14 18:00:41

You definitely need to get him to school yourselves.

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