to be upset and silently fuming at this?

(71 Posts)
bugslife Tue 08-Jul-14 22:20:18

I had an invite from a good friend recently for a group girls weekend away recently involving a couple of sleepovers at a two friends houses. We will all share the costs of the food. The email went to about ten people.

At the end of the email, my friend put

‘Bugslife, I am assuming you won’t be staying but it would be great if you can join us’

Quite quickly another email arrived with further details for paying for stuff, sleeping arrangements etc and another direct comment to me

‘BTW Bugslife, I assume you are not free for the weekend sleep over so this doesn’t apply to you, but you are very welcome to join us.'

I immediately felt that I wasn’t really welcome.

The background is that I have two small children, no family help, both were exclusively breastfed as they refused a bottle, DP used to work a lot of weekends away and we have, as you can imagine, been skint the last few years on one salary (though I am going back to work soon, phew) I have had to turn down some invites for meals nights out for out etc for these reasons. However, I do still go out, always turn up for birthdays, gatherings as much as I can, just not out as often as I used to, and not spending lots. Not unlike a lot of people with young families. I have also had nights away more recently (eg family parties). I’m not a hermit.

In addition, about six months ago, an old friend of this group got married abroad. He sent me a card announcing the marriage. I mentioned this to friend (sender of emails) and she told me that a surprise party had been held in the UK when he visited his home city, in his honour. I said I was very sad I didn’t get to go. She then said, ‘oh, you should have come along’ and I said, how could I when I knew nothing about it. confused. She then admitted she didn’t tell me about it as ‘she assumed I would not be able to come’ I was very upset, and said there was no reason why I couldn’t have gone, I have family near where the party was being held and could have stayed with them. I could not get my head round it at all. She then mentioned the girls weekend thing and I said I'd love to come.

In spite of this previous incident, she has just done this. AIBU in being very hurt and angry at being singled out like this?

LadySybilLikesCake Tue 08-Jul-14 22:22:25

My uni friends do this and it really pisses me off too. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

PedlarsSpanner Tue 08-Jul-14 22:24:24

I think your friends are trying to be sensitive to your home life, not realising that as your children are now that bit older you'll be freer

Hassled Tue 08-Jul-14 22:24:43

Yeah, I'd be cross and upset too. I assume the others don't have kids? This will come back to haunt them in the future.

If you like the rest of them, you should go to the weekend thingy regardless.

WhoDaresWins Tue 08-Jul-14 22:27:21

They're trying to be nice but are in fact being the opposite.

I'd reply with a jokey 'hey, I do have some kind of life you know! Of course I'm coming!'

Softysoftlycatchymonkey Tue 08-Jul-14 22:27:22

Ah I feel your pain - I was left out fir a year after I had dd2. Slowly clawing my socsil life back !

I don't think anyone wants to hurt you.

If you can go, go

bugslife Tue 08-Jul-14 22:27:56

They all have kids except two, who are both my closest friends. My kids are the youngest though, all the others are 7ys plus.

AlpacaPicnic Tue 08-Jul-14 22:28:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
Can you go? Do you want to go? If so, I would email back 'reply all' something like 'you are making a lot of assumptions about me, none of which are correct.' and see what replies you get.
If you are feeling less inclined to go, I would maybe be a smidge less polite...

CoffeeTea103 Tue 08-Jul-14 22:28:42

Why don't you tell her you don't like what she's doing as she's done it again. Fwiw I don't think it's as bad as you think, seems that she is trying to be thoughtful to your home life but coming across in the wrong way.

Snatchoo Tue 08-Jul-14 22:28:49

YANBU.

I remember someone from work taking the time to tell me she hadn't invited me to her wedding as she didn't think I would be able to get childcare.

This was despite it being in our home town and on a Saturday evening.

I was so hurt - much more so when I found out she had invited everybody else from our team! Maybe she just didn't like me much, but it doesn't explain why she took the time out afterwards to tell me why I hadn't been invited.

jackstini Tue 08-Jul-14 22:31:39

They may be trying to make sure you know you are welcome for the day even if you can't stay over, or that you are aware you don't have to contribute as they understand your financial situation.

However - is the reason you are upset that you can actually do these things now? If so, just reply - actually, I am up for the whole weekend - woohoo! and send the money.

Not clear if you want to go or not?

I'd just email them all back (assuming the email saying "I assume you wont be able to stay etc" was sent to everyone) saying "Hi guys, Never assume anything. I've arranged the necessary childcare and will be able to stay. Really looking forward to getting fully involved in this celebration as I have been out of the loop for a while now".

Then, if you wanted to, you could email/phone the woman who keeps assuming that you wont be available and tell her that unless you reply otherwise, she is not to assume anything in relation to your availability or arrangements. She is not your social secretary and wont know what you're able to attend. Don't get aggressive with her, just let her know that you're disappointed she has done this 'arranging' of your time without so much as a phone call or conversation and it's not the first time either. Be assertive and say to her while you appreciate that she may have been only trying to help she wasn't, you don't need her 'filtering' your social events for you.

Best of luck!

Oh and by the way, you are so not being unreasonable at all.

She has made it cleat that they want you there because of the assumption that you couldn't attend the party.

She is doing her best to not put you under any pressure, whilst making it clear that you are welcome and they would like you to attend.

Stop over thinking it and reclaim your social life.

bugslife Tue 08-Jul-14 22:36:41

If I hadn't told her how upset I was about the wedding party I'd be inclined to agree that she is being thoughtful, but I'd said how upset I was. At least email me on my own separate, but to single me out in a group email and say "I assume you can't come'.

It has been a real strain the last coupe of years, and it would be nice to thin they were thinking 'we must get bugslife out'. Not 'oh bugslife probably can't come, she has children' sad

magoria Tue 08-Jul-14 22:39:43

I have read that completely differently.

I have read that they would love you to come for the evening but don't want you to feel pressured that you have to come, stay the night and cough up the £££.

MiscellaneousAssortment Tue 08-Jul-14 22:41:37

'oh, we'll actually I would love to come but not sure if I'm invited or not now?'

Or a bit gentler...

''I always make an effort to come if I can, as you are all such great friends and i miss you, so please don't stop inviting me to things, unless of course you would rather I didn't come?'

QueenBean Tue 08-Jul-14 22:42:22

I really disagree with most others on this thread. It sounds like she's being sensitive to your situation and is consciously not putting on any pressure.

If she'd assumed that you would be able to go to the whole thing, pay for all of your share etc would you feel differently? Would you feel that your friend hasn't understood your situation and been sensitive to you?

I would just reply to all to say you can't wait and keen, don't make a bigger deal of it or them assuming anything and go. And mostly, have fun!! If you want to be involved in more stuff maybe also try and initiate some things so they know you definitely want to be out more and will naturally invite you. And mentioning that youre available more often would be good too. Enjoy!

redandyellowbits Tue 08-Jul-14 22:44:10

I agree with birdsgottafly, you are overthinking this.

If you can make it (and do want to go) just reply and say 'I can come for the weekend, here's my money' and leave it at that. People will get used to the idea of you being able to come out again, just like they had to get used to idea when you couldn't.

Don't curtail your social life over this.

whathaveiforgottentoday Tue 08-Jul-14 22:45:45

They may be upsetting you but I read it that they really want you to come but don't want to put you under any pressure. I think they are trying to be thoughtful and to think of your situation. I would either make some jokey comment about you actually having a life outside children or not say anything at all. Sounds like they care about you even if they are touching a raw nerve.

Givealittlerespect Tue 08-Jul-14 22:46:25

Just e mail ' No, I am fine to come now the kids are getting older, thanks for the invite!'
Anything else will make it awkward..make it positive

bugslife Tue 08-Jul-14 22:46:37

Its at a friend's house, not a hotel!! And a short train ride away. And its just money food/wine. And she knows I'll be earning by then. And its time away from the kids, which all the others can presumably do, but I can't! (and I need a break, I said that to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

WhatchaMacallit, I like you thinking right there!! Yes, it was a group email.

HaroldLloyd Tue 08-Jul-14 22:48:25

I don't see anything malicious here, she knows you want to be included, she has assumed you wouldn't be able to go to the overnight and she's trying to include you on that basis.

OK she shouldn't have assumed, but if she was leaving you out you wouldn't have got the email at all?

I would call her and say look the children are a little older now, I've missed lots of things and I am more than ready to start getting out more. I will come to the lot.

KirstyJC Tue 08-Jul-14 22:48:38

If she has sent this as a group email, reply as a group email. Say that you aren't sure why she has said that you won't be able to come, as you have already told her that you would love to be included in meetings and parties and you told her this after the last time she deliberately singled you out and you were really upset.

Tell her that you would love to come (assuming you would of course) and ask her to please stop making assumptions about you which she knows are hurtful.

As you have already talked to her about this, and she has still done it, you need to call her on it or she will keep doing it - and it will make it clear to the rest of your friends that do want to meet up. (You don't want them all to be arranging things behind your back thinking they are being nice because of what she has said about you).

sonjadog Tue 08-Jul-14 22:52:02

I think she is trying to be sensitive and thoughtful and getting it wrong. I don't think there is any malicious intent there. I would reply that you are looking forward to the whole weekend and maybe add something about that now your kids are older, you are ready and eager to take part in social events.

In any case, I would keep it light and not make a big deal about it or accuse the email sender of cutting you out.

Fillybuster Tue 08-Jul-14 22:52:04

YANBU, but they're not being mean. This is mis-placed kindness.

Just send out a note thanking them for being sweet and saying how much you would love to come and that you've got childcare sorted. Finish with a gentle 'hopefully having one more in the party won't be a problem and will help spread the costs a bit more across everyone' or something. Good luck OP smile

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