Separate holidays?

[phenobarbidoll]

Hi. I would really appreciate some advice here please. My husband and I have been invited to a friend's wedding in the US next year, but it's during term time, so our daughter can't go. There may not be any childcare options at this time, so I raised the possibility that we can't go. My husband then suggested he go by himself. I feel really upset by this - the trip will essentially have to be a holiday, as it is so far and so expensive (he can't just pop over for just the wedding). We won't be able to afford a family holiday if he goes to this wedding & I don't know if its reasonable for him to essentially carry on as if he's single, when I see us all as a family unit. In my view; if we can't all go, none of us should go. Am I being unreasonable here? Thanks :)

[hamptoncourt]

YANBU if him going means the rest of you don't get a holiday.

What's his reaction to that?

Does he give a shit?

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

I would just take daughter out of school and make it a famy holiday. Otherwise i dont think anyone should go.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Well how old is your DD - can you not take her out and just pay the fine?

Is the person getting married a really close friend or not?

If he just wants a jolly then yes he is being unreasonable if it means that you will not be able to also go on holiday. Maybe you should say to him that yes he can go as long as another time during the year he stays at home with your DD and you can take yourself off somewhere for a week.

Please god, no one mention a spa :)

[phenobarbidoll]

He says he doesn't want to go without me - but has made it clear that he will if I can't go with him. The option of just not going seems unreasonable to him. So actually, it seems he isn't that bothered how I feel about it.

[phenobarbidoll]

The people getting married are friends of his, though I've met them a couple of times and get on well with them. Our wedding was last November and these friends were not sufficiently important for him to invite them to ours. In short - these are people he likes a lot, but they're not best friends or anything.

[Leeds2]

I don't think your OH is being unreasonable for wanting to go to the wedding by himself, if you and DD can't go, but I would be very miffed if he went for an extended break which meant that the rest of the family didn't get a holiday. Where is he planning on going/staying after the wedding, and who will he be spending that time with?

I think if it were my OH, he would go but only for the weekend.

[Birdsgottafly]

Phone her in sick.

Unless she is a sickly child and therefor misses school a lot, it won't damage her education.

If you don't want to go, then make sure in the future, you have a similar opportunity, even when part of a couple, I think there should be times when you get to go to friends weddings etc.

[Joysmum]

Our wedding was last November and these friends were not sufficiently important for him to invite them to ours

I was going to say you were being unreasonable unt I read that.

Having read that, he is BU

[phenobarbidoll]

The thing is I don't want a separate holiday without him. I see us a family unit. One of the things that feels unfair about this is not simply the loss of a family holiday - even if we had cash to go away together later on, I'd still be objecting to this. It's his view that he can jet off without us, anytime he feels like it. That isn't the kind of marriage I want.

[flipchart]

Is there a grandparent that your DD could stop at. We used to go to my nana's every October for two weeks.

Other than that I would let your DH go and for the rest of the year have a couple of weekend breaks if you can't afford a holiday.
If they were primarily your friends I would have said you should go.

[phenobarbidoll]

Hi Leeds2. The thing is that it can't be a wknd break. It involves flying from the UK to California. He doesn't want to do that for 2 nights - he's already said it will have to be at least a week.

To complicate matters - he has been unfaithful to me once before and I would be terrified that he would see this as an easy opportunity to pick someone up that I'll never know about. No-one else there would tell me as they're all his friends and people who don't know me.

[flipchart]

You can have a really strong happy healthy marriage and still do separate things you know.
I go away several times a year without DH or the children because I get more leave than he does.


However Our wedding was last November and these friends were not sufficiently important for him to invite them to ours this puts a different light on things.

[flipchart]

Cross post
so he has cheated
Bloody hell, this is a drip feed!

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

Ahhh! Might have been worth mentioning in the OP, OP.

It changes things. Quite a bit really.

[phenobarbidoll]

Yes, sorry. I didn't want to write a big rambling message at the beginning. I was trying (unsuccessfully) to keep myself focussed on the bare facts of the situation, without bringing in historical stuff. But it is relevant to how I feel about it I guess.

[MsVenus]

Do you think the friends are trying to make a point with the invitation because you didn't invite them to your wedding iyswim. I wouldn't personally go even if the date was school friendly because I would feel awkward for not inviting them to mine. That's just me & my funny little habit.

[LIZS]

So basically you suspect he is using this as an excuse to play away? Was he unfaithful before or after the wedding ? How old is your dd (assume he is her father)?

[MsVenus]

Ah I missed the unfaithful bit, even more reason why he shouldn't go alone.

[CerealMom]

Lots of things bother me about this.

1. If DD/OP can't go, DH will go regardless.
   
2. DH not bothered if by going then family can't afford a holiday.
   
3. You don't trust him enough for him to go away separately - understandable.
   

The problem/s isn't really the holiday.

[phenobarbidoll]

I guess that's possible, but I doubt it. They're both such sweet people that I doubt they'd even think to make a point like that. I don't know how they feel about not being invited to ours - we had a very small do and they were living in Australia at the time and couldn't have come anyway.

[middleeasternpromise]

Yep you've asked the question the wrong way round, try me and husband been together quite a while and have school age child together. He's been unfaithful but we worked through it or so I thought and eventually got married last year however I don't feel secure at all in the relationship and the latest evidence of that is him proposing that he takes up our invite to a wedding in the US whilst I stay home and do all the child care - does this sound like a thoughtful other half to you?

[ChickenFajitasAndNachos]

Could you come to a compromise where he goes for about 4/5 days and you also have a slightly cheaper than normal family holiday in the school summer holidays. One term time flight to LA is probably about 500 plus it's not as tiring when you are just travelling on your own as can get a bit of sleep on the plane etc so there's no need to go for at least a week.

[phenobarbidoll]

hi CerealMom. You're right, of course. There is a principle here about the family being put secondary to his desire to live like he did when he was single. This is linked to the reasons why I find him difficult to trust. He's, in most respects a lovely man. But he was also made the centre of the universe when he was growing up and was never challenged. He thinks he's entitled to do what he wants. When he drinks, he's even more unreliable. I love him, but am always waiting for the next bombshell. The holiday just looks like a prime opportunity for him to get drunk and carried away. I don't like feeling like this, but it seems hard when he so easily suggested leaving me behind.