to stick to my guns re no contact with Mil?

(88 Posts)
ithoughtofitfirst Mon 07-Jul-14 15:00:42

A couple of weeks ago I posted a thread about giving up on trying to have a relationship with my MIL. long story short she speaks to me like I'm a naughty child, has digs at basically everything I do/say/my parenting skills/my 'dysfunctional' family blah blah BLAH.

My husband thought it was a temporary thing and has, although supportive of my decision, has been slightly hassling me to abandon my strike from fucked up in laws. Which I have no intention of doing. Until further notice. I'm making really good progress rebuilding and healing my wounded self esteem. Why would I voluntarily risk taking 10 steps back only to get no thanks or recognition for doing so.

this morning I got 'my aunt is visiting from Poland. it would be really nice if my mother and her come and see our home with you there'. I would rather throw myself in the river. He can't understand why I can't just grit my teeth for the evening. The woman aggravates my depression, talks down to me in front of my son and husband, slags off my family and rips me to shreds if I try and stick up for myself.

seriously aibu?? Jesus... fuck off already.

Have you tried being really clear with him, "I have made my decision, it's a forever decision and I am healthier and happier as a result".

Nomama Mon 07-Jul-14 15:12:40

Let her come, with the aunt, and put your DH on notice that he is to act as witnesses to her awfulness. He will be expected to be 100% honest in the post visit interview.

Then tell him, that was it. You saw, you heard. No more! ^EVER^

EarthWindFire Mon 07-Jul-14 15:15:19

The thing is I guess it is his house too... Maybe go out with your DS and leave him to it?

Aeroflotgirl Mon 07-Jul-14 15:21:03

Oh I think I remember your thread, she was awful about you, your gay brother. Your h was not standing up for you, was taking your ds to his mums every weekend and discussing you. Noway stand your ground, she is toxic. Tell him it's a forever thing, if he loved you he would support your decision.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 07-Jul-14 15:22:22

Or go out for the day, why is she desperate to see you so she can put you down again.

MagicMojito Mon 07-Jul-14 15:22:57

Be supportive of your dh seeing his mother, you however are under no obligation to have any contact whatsoever smile

Seriously, I have no idea why people go through all the effort of maintaining relationships with people who make them feel like shit. confused

Squitten Mon 07-Jul-14 15:34:41

It would be unreasonable to say that he can't see his own mother and aunt in his own home.

No reason in the world why you have to be there though! I'd be off out for the day and be very clear about exactly why.

YANBU. He just wants his aunt to see you all playing 'happy families' rather than have the trouble of coming up with a reason for you not being there, other than "My mother's a witch and my wife's no longer prepared to put up with it"

If his aunt is visiting from Poland, presumably she is in town for more than a single evening? He can schedule a time for her to visit to see him and DS and your home when you are out doing something more enjoyable. Like going to the dentist, or doing a massive supermarket shop, or just going to the cinema!

CrapBag Mon 07-Jul-14 15:42:23

YANBU.

A simple fuck right off what MrsTerryPratchett said.

ithoughtofitfirst Mon 07-Jul-14 15:43:55

I spoke to my dad about it just now when he popped round and said I can take shelter at their house for a few hours. I feel a bit silly but you're right. Everyone's a winner if I make myself scarce for a while. Sort of! Next we will disagree on who gets DS.

I wish I could just be a super thick skinned person who could just shrug it off. Because she's never going to change. But she just reduces me to a depressed zombie struggling to function. For weeks sometimes, depending on the extent of her behaviour sad

Aeroflotgirl Mon 07-Jul-14 15:52:17

No you don't have to put yourself through that and your dh should support you. Good glad you have a plan did you tell your dh what did he say.

ithoughtofitfirst Mon 07-Jul-14 16:03:59

I think he basically agrees to it because he wants me to happy. The bastard! No but seriously... he is such an optimist and he's a bit simple when it comes to stuff like this I think he just keeps thinking 'it's been a few weeks... all sorted yeah?!'

Um no.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 07-Jul-14 16:11:17

Was that you on the thread where your dh would take ds every sat to see his mum, she gates your family because your brother is gay. He should get his head out the clouds and take more notice his his mum is to you!

Nomama Mon 07-Jul-14 16:29:33

If she is the MIL who does that then you may have all the more reason to try one very last time and DH gets to be the final arbiter .

Thick skin would be lovely but oh, so very draining. Do you think you could use this visit as a last chance saloon for her? If not then do run and hide with your dad. Personally (not being all wise and giving advice I couldn't follow) I'd go and hide with my dad.

But I would be aware that I would only be extending the horror! I'd expect to be told to front it out one last time, with DH knowing what was expected of him.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

hamptoncourt Mon 07-Jul-14 16:32:30

I would plan something nice for you and DS to do if you know what day it is. I would not willingly place my child in the path of a known vocal homophobe bitch like your MIL - I remember your thread.

And yes, you need to be firm with DH about your boundaries and say it isn't up for discussion.

I wouldn't actually allow MIL in my home at all so I think you are making a big compromise by allowing her there anyway.

MexicanSpringtime Mon 07-Jul-14 16:40:37

Well done, OP.

ithoughtofitfirst Mon 07-Jul-14 16:49:55

Thanks everyone. I think I will run off to my parents with boy.

My husband is thinking of having a word with her about her behaviour. Jesus. On one hand I think goof for him. On the other I hope he knows what he's doing. Ah well... guess it's nothing to do with me!

ithoughtofitfirst Mon 07-Jul-14 16:52:14

Good* auto correct is making a mug of me today

RahRahRasputin Mon 07-Jul-14 16:53:27

Could DH's aunt not visit without MIL? She sounds like a nightmare.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 07-Jul-14 16:53:52

I agree that you should not have to subject yourself or DS to that vile woman, I don't care if she wants to bring the Angel Gabriel to visit you!

I can't recall from the other thread, does she treat you this way in front of DH? If not and if just seeing her won't set you back, you could tell DH that you'll stay but he must stick to you like glue and at the first remark, you will take DS and leave for your parents' house. If you feel that even looking her in the face would set you back or if she slags you off in front of DH, then not only no, but HELL NO you should not subject yourself to that.

As far as who gets DS, I guess it would be nice for Aunty Poland to be able to see him. IIRC he's too young now to understand TVW's (that vile woman) homophobic and negative remarks. If that's the case I guess it would do no harm. Otherwise, off he goes with you.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 07-Jul-14 16:57:59

No no no op she is vile, you do not have to be subjected to that! Have a lovely day away from her.

Joysmum Mon 07-Jul-14 17:08:40

Who would it be lovely for if you are there?

You? No!

ithoughtofitfirst Mon 07-Jul-14 17:55:59

I physically can't stand being around her. Just the thought of it makes me feel so anxious. Just remembering a time when I Skyped her sister with her and she told me she could tell I was struggling to shift the baby weight and that my hair was terrible like a bad hair cut she had in the 80s. I dont want to blow my own trumpet but my hair always looks good and I'm a slim size 10. Fucking cheeky bitch.

hamptoncourt Mon 07-Jul-14 17:59:25

If you are feeling really evil, you could ask Polish aunty round, exclude MIL, and then put on an Oscar Winning Performance as the nicest DIL anyoneintheworldcouldwishfor.

That is what I would do

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