To want my DH to move from 5mins to 1hour's commute to be nearer my family?

(85 Posts)
NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:39:09

I feel like I might be BU but maybe not...

DH is starting new job soon which is 5mins from where we live. I am currently SAHM with 1year old DS. We like where we live and I've made some good friends in the last year since I've not been at work, but we only moved there initially for work and did not intend on raising family there etc.

Longer term plan was always to move closer to my family, who are 1.5 hours away, so compromise seemed to be to move nearer to them but still be reasonable commute for DH. So is an hour's commute (car, country roads, 30 miles) reasonable or too much, considering he is literally down the road at the moment?

We definitely need to move to a bigger house so we could possibly move in the area we already live in, although it's expensive, or make a bigger move now and hope that DH can find a job which is closer in a few years.

Don't want to be moving around too much once DS starts school too.

WWYD?

lurkerspeaks Sat 28-Jun-14 17:55:53

I loathe commuting.

Family dynamics always puzzle me but if you have gone down to being a single income family it always seems slightly daft to make the single earners life considerably more difficult.

I also agree - if you won't consider doing 1.5 hours return to see your family WTF should your DH do 2hrs daily!

ExcuseTypos Sat 28-Jun-14 17:56:22

No I don't think you're being unreasonable.
If he only works term time I presume he's a teacher, so you'll have lots of time during the holidays to travel to see parents.

FellReturneth Sat 28-Jun-14 17:56:24

Was it always both your plans to move closer you your family, or just your plan?

Where are his family in all this? Are you moving further away from them?

Why can't you move somewhere in the middle so you are not too far from either your family or his job? He has to do that drive single every day, whereas you don't need to see your family every day, nor do you have to do the journey in rush hour, in all weathers. He does.

Plomino Sat 28-Jun-14 17:59:22

I do two hours each way driving to work day in , day out . It's miserable , stressful , uncomfortable , expensive , and is the single biggest cause of my bad moods when I come home from work . It's one thing doing it in the summer , but an hour on the road in the winter can easily become an hour and a half , or two when you factor in snow, ice , road accidents , roadworks , even on country roads . Not to mention the added danger if the risk of falling asleep at the wheel . I now know all the decent lay-bys in Herts and Cambridgeshire to sleep in , because I've had to stop and power nap after a long day , rather than write the car and myself off getting home .

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:01:26

scottishmummy I wouldn't say it's of no issue where my family are. We're just trying to put a better support network around us.
He says he just wants what is best for all of us, but of course I don't want him to be miserable which is why it is really useful to hear about commuting - no one has said it would be ok, so that's really helpful.

DraggingDownDownDown Sat 28-Jun-14 18:03:00

My parents live over an hour away and they support me just fine. It depends what type of support you want and are they willing to give it.

My DH used to have a 2hr commute each way and it was HELL for him and me - especially when I went back to work.

I personally wouldn't move as I don't think being that far from your parents is an issue. If they want to see you and help they can always come to you. Also making decent friends is a godsend and not something that happens to everyone.

scottishmummy Sat 28-Jun-14 18:03:23

No you're making where your family are the issue,potentially increase his commute
Important is him having work life balance and not burdened by excessive commute
Your priority need to be his welfare,not where your family are

MaryWestmacott Sat 28-Jun-14 18:03:45

well, is the area you live in now one you want to settle in long term for your DS's education? If not, I'd move soon, but not that far away. You'd still be driving an hour to see your parents and back, so not 'popping in and out' distance, your 1 hour commute would be fine on empty roads in summer, but would become a lot longer and harder with other traffic and in winter.

Is your DH a teacher? you mentioned term time only. You might want to move a little further away because it can be rather 'painful' to live in the community a teacher teachs in for bumping into pupils and parents on weekends and your own DCs not wanting to be at the same school their dad works at. but there's a big difference between being say, 20 minutes away (far enough that your neighbours kids won't be in your DH's class), but close enough that his commute is rather easy.

Other suggestion, if he is a teacher, is there any roles in schools near where your parents live? would he consider moving to a school in that area?

Ronmione Sat 28-Jun-14 18:03:52

I think asking you dh to see less of your ds so you can see more or your family a bu,

Happydaysatlast Sat 28-Jun-14 18:05:20

No definatly not. I would move heaven and earth for my dh to work 5 mins away.

We live in the midlands and he works weekly in London.

It's horrible.

andsmile Sat 28-Jun-14 18:06:32

Stay put.

Having a partner nearby that can be home quickly and stress free from traffic issues is worth the quality.

MaryWestmacott Sat 28-Jun-14 18:08:39

oh and when it comes to support network, a DH who is home to eat dinner with you as a family regularly, who can pop back at a short notice, who isn't knackered from a long drive to/from work, who can eat breakfast with his DCs, who could do things like pop home in his lunch break if you were ill, is going to be worth so much more to you than extended family. If you wanted to go back to work later, your dh being so close to home owuld make drop offs and pick ups a lot easier to work round...

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:09:58

fellreturneth - yes, it was always his plan too. His parents live 5hours away and if we moved we'd be an hour nearer to them too.
Moving somewhere in the middle doesn't really work as that would be the worst of both worlds for both of us.
Terrible driving conditions, falling asleep at the wheel etc. are the things that concern me the most. Clearly I am BU, but that's ok- I thought I was.
In my defence though, I am not against driving 1.5 hrs to see my family -I do that at the moment - but it was more about moving for a slightly different kind of life in terms of family and friends being able to pop over and help out at the last minute with things. That is something that he really wants too, but I think we will have to wait for that, at leat until one of us gets a job nearer to where we want to be.

If I were your DH no WAY would I agree. Commuting is hell. Would you be prepared to spend 2 hours of your day sitting in a car when it could be 10 minutes. YABVVVU to even consider asking him to do it.

If the longer-term plan is to move to another area, then you need to work at putting the whole package in place - a home for you all and a job with a reasonable commute for your DH. If he's just got a new job, then I'd suggest you sit tight for a couple more years and then move to your "forever" location with his next job move.

Iseesheep Sat 28-Jun-14 18:12:56

I've been commuting windy horrible country roads for an hour plus each way for just about a year and it's horrible. Not so bad in the summer but really crappy in the winter (and I mean really crappy). I took the commuting hit to take a good job knowing I'd be moving within walking distance after about 12 months, but if I hadn't no way would I have done it indefinitely. It just isn't worth the complete knackeredness and reduced family time after a mammoth day at work and then add two hours on top of it.

Just my opinion and I know plenty of people who feel very differently!

Charlieboo30 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:13:23

I travel an hour each way for work and I find it ok. I've done it for five years and it gives me chance to 'clear my head' from what's gone on at work. The only downside is the fuel cost which is worth considering. I, also, work term time only.

Charlieboo30 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:13:54

Should also have mentioned my journey is all country roads and I don't find it a problem.

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:16:10

mary -yes DH is a teacher, as am I, although I am not working ATM. We are used to living in quite close proximity to schools so that's not really too much of a concern, although we'll see once he starts.
Longer term we will look to move, especially when I start working again, but DH will probably need to find a new job too.
I think we both fee that we want to make a conscious decision about where we want to live and where DS grows up, rathe than just end up somewhere because of work, but that's easier said than done.

I know of too many accidents that have happened on country lanes t want DH to be on them for longer than need be, especially in the winter when the time a journey takes can triple.

MajesticWhine Sat 28-Jun-14 18:16:21

DH does a 1 hour commute. He doesn't like it but he changes jobs frequently and also travels a lot so we wouldn't choose to move areas for the job.
I think you are probably being unreasonable but what he thinks is obviously important. And where you want to put down roots as a family. Friends, lifestyle, schools, convenience for work are all important in this decision. Grandparents handy to have around but just another factor among all the others. We haven't had parents very close but there have been many other advantages for where we live.

MaryWestmacott Sat 28-Jun-14 18:16:37

well, family might not be able to just pop over, but you said you've made some good local friends on mat leave, give it a few years, and those friends, with DCs a similar age, will become more and more important to you. Build a network of people close by, you might still have the 'in and out of each other's houses' thing.

You might find it hard to move back to near your parents as well, other than your parents, are other family WOH so not around in the day? Do they have similar aged DCs? If not, it's not like you are going to be doing things with them anyway. I know a lot of people who had a 'great network' of family and friends, yet still felt very lonely when they had DCs as everyone they already knew in their town was out at work in the week.

And driving commuting is totally different to train or tube or bus commuting, you have to be awake and on the ball, something that after a 10 hour day is a bit much to ask of him just so you are nearer your family.

What wrong with you commuting to see them a bit more often?

PixieofCatan Sat 28-Jun-14 18:18:58

I wouldn't. I have a 30 minute commute on country roads and it's so tiring. It's not like normal A roads where you can let your subconscious take over a bit, you have to be constantly on the ball on country roads ready to react to pedestrians, tractors, cyclists, traffic coming the other way, corners, narrow roads, etc.

I did this, kind of. Moved from my family to in laws to facilitate a sahm life. I mainly did it because of redundancy as yr long mat leave ceased. I wanted to stay home. Dh was keen for me too and also have his turn near family. On paper it was and is still sensible practical financial and probably advisable.

However we woefully mis underestimated the X factor of network and familiar surroundings. We sold and rented in new city (so not small village so we figured facilitated friends/groups/social mobility). Dh discovered his commute was not as straightforwards as expected on a daily basis. The train route appeared fine done occasionally. Done twice a day it was late, often diverted , several more suicides than expected, more train bridges required fixing and the extra queuing to get on a train more challenging twice daily than he expected.

For me, I went 'mad'. I got exactly what my wish list asked for but I had no routine. I had no place of comfort. I didn't know my way from house to doctor. I lived by sat nav. My shortcuts from a to b were removed. I was blind. I couldn't go to the shops. I didn't know how. I knew no parks. No libraries. By week 3 I couldn't cope planning another day. Coping with dd at 18mths was lonely. Isolating and introspective. Not a good combination. If dh was late I was hysterical. If dd couldn't sleep I was distraught facing another long lonely day tired. Every small thing was four times worse. The relationship with in laws deteriorated. I felt a holiday maker where I was living. But it wouldn't end. When I realised I was crying on the street when lost as I'd taken a wrong turning home I called my parents who helped us plan a return. I have never been so fearful for my sanity tbh.

We were moved for 8wks. It took 8wks to disintegrate my mindset. Frightening stuff. Dd was also unsettled, missed nursery, missed her surroundings, missed home. I had no idea how much a year old/ 18 mther knew about their life. We came home. No sensible other option. I was terrified friends would reject me as it kind of felt I had them. Luckily everyone was kind.

I'm not telling you don't do it. Just make sure you properly look at your life presently. Don't underestimate what you have built in this time. It could be worth more than money or physical obviousness.

emms1981 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:20:13

I live an hours drive from my family and visit the weekends, my husband works half an hours drive from work and that's bad enough, I wish we hadn't moved from the town he works in now, with petrol costs, running up extra miles the worry of winter weather not worth it

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