To not allow my 12-year-old to sleepover when I don't know the parents?

(62 Posts)
EvaBeaversProtege Thu 26-Jun-14 21:43:17

DD thinks I am BU.

She is 12 & has a group of friends at school. She has been to various friends houses for parties and even two sleepovers.

The difference being that I spoke to these girls parents on the phone before she went!

She asked on monday if she could stay at Lilly's house on Friday night, go home with her after school, go to cinema etc.

I said I would need to speak to Lilly's mum or dad before she could go.

Today is Thursday & I haven't heard from either of them.

Dd give her friend my number, I did offer to call the mum/dad but no number was produced.

This evening dd is saying Lilly's mother is at a wedding today so can't call me but it'll be fine & I should just chill out & let her go...

I said no, she's not going. She asked if she could take tomorrow off school as she's going to look like a baby saying she can't go to the sleepover as I haven't spoken to Lilly's mother.

AIBU? She's not a liar so I believe there is a sleepover, but am I too overprotective? We live quite rurally so I am used to taking her places, but this girl lives in a large town about 30 miles away & just is more streetwise than dd. I'm not sure why, but my gut instinct is to not change my mind, despite her tears.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Thu 26-Jun-14 21:46:03

Stick with it. My parents insisted on calling ahead too and the only time I didnt produce a number (and subsequently wasnt allowed to go) was the one time I knew I wouldnt be allowed as the parents were out of town.

Send dd to school. You can always drop her at the friends later if Lillys mam does get in touch or dd gives you her number.

cornishbaby Thu 26-Jun-14 21:46:04

I wasn't sure until you said 'gut instinct'

Always, always go on gut instinct.

MyFairyKing Thu 26-Jun-14 21:46:09

<Sits on fence> I understand where you're coming from and I understand how she must feel too. Would it be just her and Lilly or will there be other girls going too?

CeliaFate Thu 26-Jun-14 21:46:11

Yanbu. I'd be suspicious of this too. I'd tell her to tell Lilly that you have unexpected visitors this weekend so unfortunately she can't come this time.
Invite Lilly to your house soon, so you can meet the parents then.

SantanaLopez Thu 26-Jun-14 21:47:32

Why not compromise this time with being able to stay until 11 or so? Then you can meet her parents.

bigbuttons Thu 26-Jun-14 21:51:40

I have let my 12 year old go to sleepovers without meeting the parents but it was not 30 miles away, just locally. You need to do what you feel comfortable with.

DoJo Thu 26-Jun-14 21:55:26

Could you drop her off there for the sleepover so you can meet the parents then? It seems a little mean to stop her without making a little more effort to get in touch with the parents (although I completely understand that you have given her every option), but everything's so fraught at that age, so making her miss out would be a shame if it can be avoided. Does she not even have a phone number for this friend?

CoffeeTea103 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:57:18

Yanbu, at 12 no way.

Topseyt Thu 26-Jun-14 21:57:40

Stick to your guns.

I have had this dilemma a few times. Like you, I normally like to at least speak to the other child's parents beforehand if I can because secondary school isn't like primary that way, in that you don't get a feel for other parents by coming across them in the playground.

They have had several days to get you and the other girl's mum speaking, but they haven't done it. It is hardly as if you are telling her that at the last minute.

EvaBeaversProtege Thu 26-Jun-14 21:59:03

If I did compromise, I'd still be letting her go to a house of people I don't know...

They've had all week to contact me & haven't.

There's another girl going too, I've met her & her mother, in fact her house was the first one dd was at a sleepover at for her birthday.

I feel like an ogre as I know two of my sisters wouldn't bat an eyelid at their dd's staying over somewhere without them speaking to/meeting the parents.

I feel like if I back down now without speaking to a parent, dd will think this can happen anytime.

BertieBotts Thu 26-Jun-14 22:00:08

Interesting because there was a thread a few days ago where the mum of the 12yo got absolutely flamed for not wanting to let her DD go to a sleepover where she didn't know the parents.

But I think you've told her you need to speak to the parents and you haven't been able to so really you should probably stick to that.

The compromise about going until 11 sounds good?

bewleysisters Thu 26-Jun-14 22:00:29

I always want to speak to a parent first. Partly to confirm the parent does indeed know about the plan, but also to check out how to minimise the stress by sorting out drop off/collection arrangements to suit them.

thegreylady Thu 26-Jun-14 22:02:19

Can you ask the mother of the girl you do know if she knows Lily's parents?

Aeroflotgirl Thu 26-Jun-14 22:02:42

Yanbu at 30 mikes away and nit so waking to the parents!

Aeroflotgirl Thu 26-Jun-14 22:03:26

Talking doh sorry

EvaBeaversProtege Thu 26-Jun-14 22:04:46

DoJo, I can't drop dd off, I work until 6pm, home around 6.45pm, it would be at least 8/8.30pm before I'd get her there.

It's not a town I'm in any way familiar with, directions would need to be incredibly specific.

Her friends would have already been there from after school & they'd planned a cinema trip.

The thing is, we do have plans for Saturday. We have to be somewhere (the whole family on dh's side) for 3pm which is 20 miles in the opposite direction of where we live, to Lilly's house.

I explained that to dd in order for us to pick her up, get home, she'd need changed (formal meal) we would be cutting it fine.

Thanks for the advice, dd is my eldest - primary school was a whole different ball game!

Smartiepants79 Thu 26-Jun-14 22:06:27

I think in that other thread she had met them, just didn't know them well??? Apologies if that's incorrect.
But in this case I don't think it's asking too much to have had a phone conversation with the Mum.
You made your conditions clear. They've had plenty of time to sort themselves out. If Lilly really wanted her to come then I'd have expected her to have badgered her mum to contact you. It doesn't bode well that she can't organise herself to ring you.

UsedToBeShirley Thu 26-Jun-14 22:06:42

Nopeity nope.

She's not going until you get a number to call. Don't trust the "I've given them your number" stuff. If I was having kids to stay at mine I expect to have the parents call me to check it's ok and vice versa. I wouldn't call a parent of a child staying at mine to check it was ok TBH, I would expect that call to come from them.

Get the number or she isn't going. the End.

EvaBeaversProtege Thu 26-Jun-14 22:08:03

Thegreylady, I don't know the mother of the other girl, I have met her & spoken to her on the phone.

Her number was on the birthday invite & after I called her I just didn't keep the number. I know that sound like an excuse but I just didn't think at the time to put it in my phone.

Yes, dd has Lilly's number - but even if I call her, her mum is (allegedly) at a wedding so won't be there to speak to me anyway.

SantanaLopez Thu 26-Jun-14 22:08:53

In the other thread, the friend's mum had phoned the OP twice and the DD was in her last year of primary school, so there was no real reason why that OP was being so stubborn.

midgeymum2 Thu 26-Jun-14 22:09:03

YANBU. I wouldn't be comfortable with this either, not at that age and without speaking to parents first, no way. Stick to your guns and follow your instincts.

BaconAndAvocado Thu 26-Jun-14 22:10:00

YANBU at all.

EvaBeaversProtege Thu 26-Jun-14 22:12:49

usedtobeshirley I asked for the number, said I would call, no number was provided.

Dd said she sent Lilly my number, but no call came.

I have no problem seeing things through, but it doesn't stop me feeling bad & I don't like seeing dd upset.

I know if she had friends coming over & their parent wanted a call, I would happily call. The fact Lilly's mother hasn't called has pissed me off & made me look (to dd & her friends) as if I'm BU & a wicked witch.

Delphiniumsblue Thu 26-Jun-14 22:14:28

It is nothing like the other thread. The mother got flamed because her daughter had been at school with the same child for at least 5 yrs and it was easy to get to know the mother- she just hadn't bothered and didn't want to bother!
You have the ready made excuse with the family event- I would stick to it and then get to know the friend by having her to tea.
It will become more of a problem- as they get older you just don't know the parents.

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