To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

(467 Posts)
Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 14:43:52

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

longtallsally2 Sun 29-Jun-14 12:00:50

So glad to read your update OP. I had to bail out of this thread as the comments were just too upsetting and weird.

I just wanted to say thank you on behalf of all vulnerable people for opening your home to a (nearly) stranger and taking a week out of your lives to help him. I am sure that any inconvenience to your dd will be far outweighed by the practical example you gave her. Sometimes it's easy to help someone, sometimes it involves putting yourself out, but it is always worth it.

AgaPanthers Sat 28-Jun-14 16:25:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Floggingmolly Sat 28-Jun-14 14:59:46

Here's a national sperm shortage?? How did they discover this?

Tentedjuno Sat 28-Jun-14 14:21:03

gellicle
grin

gellicleCat Sat 28-Jun-14 14:16:09

Am I the only one who spotted a business opportunity here ?
There is a national sperm shortage (i read it in the paper), there is a homeless cricketing masturbator who wants a room.
tell him he has to fill ten milk bottles a day, or he's OUT.

LBW

spence82 Sat 28-Jun-14 09:14:21

Glad everything is OK now OP.

Nomama Sat 28-Jun-14 09:06:51

Good news, Mozz.

I can't believe how this thread went. I mean, you had every reason to be Td off with your DH for being a bit unthinking and you and DDs had every reason to find your visitor unsettling, but the levels of paranoia and scaremongering appeared here in alarming levels.

I hope you weren't reading it as it grew, I'd have found that really perturbing.

Anyway, as I said, good news that he has somewhere else to be on a more long term basis.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 28-Jun-14 09:00:48

Exactly different. Glasgow was making a lot of assumptions on no evidence. Op did not say dd was uncomfortable because of something he had done, I am sure she would have told him if he had done anything. Simple because he was an annoying stranger. fgs my dh depends longer than me in the bathroom, toilet, shower, shaving etc does not mean he is wanking, but so what if he is. A bathroom is a private domain, you can do what you blooming well,want. Very controlling people on here.

Berryglitter Sat 28-Jun-14 08:48:56

See Glasgow you can unclench now!

differentnameforthis Sat 28-Jun-14 02:18:50

There's a lot of wanks in that post! hmm

Good to read the update, op. I hope things work out for him.

differentnameforthis Sat 28-Jun-14 02:04:31

I feel sorry for this man, there are some disgusting comments about him on this thread Totally agree.

I am a grown man - I would not choose to go 3/4 days without ... What? wanking? You are a grown man yet can't even finish your sentence? We know that men don't need to wank, not every man has to wank every day, every few days. We are grown adults, we know men don't NEED to wank. Just because you 'need' to every few days, doesn't men every man is like you.

Glad it's all worked out well. But I agree with Aeroflotgirl - your H should learn from this that it's not OK to guilt the family into accepting his acquaintance into the house and then do absolutely none of the work and adjustment necessary.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 27-Jun-14 23:20:01

Fantastic op, now let that be a lesson to your dh to say no, or consult you first before making any big decisions

fourforksache Fri 27-Jun-14 22:35:44

wine wine wine wine wine grin

Mozzereena Fri 27-Jun-14 21:55:40

Oh yes and thank you so so much for your support!
I am having that wee wine
Thank you

fourforksache Fri 27-Jun-14 21:51:47

Glad it's working out Mozz, you all did a good thing.

Sorry the thread went more than a little weird.

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 27-Jun-14 21:51:23

Happy friday OP have a well deserved wine or three.

Glad that a good end has been found for all.

Mozzereena Fri 27-Jun-14 21:48:00

The guy arrived back at our house about 8.30 tonight while we were having tea. I offered him food but he declined. DH persuaded him to have a beer. He would not, as usual, sit down.

DH has now just taken the guy to his next place. Apparently he can stay in this persons massive house until his flat with eviL LL becomes vacant. It's an acquaintance from his local pub. He thanked us for all we had done to help him. I told him it had been an absolute pleasure to help.

Just to clarify a few things, I understand the guy is employed as an FLT driver by an employment agency. Although he has been in the same job for the last couple of years it is not secure employment.

No one had considered that we were in any danger from this man as we trust my DH judgement.

My DD has never suggested to us that she felt uncomfortable because of this man. She only asked me what time was he going out on Monday as nobody had thought to find out before hand to inform her. I had not realised that he was still in my home at the time.

It was my decision to return home on Monday morning when I realised that I had left my DD alone with a virtual stranger in the house.
She did not ask me to return nor did she try to manipulate anyone.

I don't think anyone has gone as far as to imagine what other things he may have been doing with himself in the room as well as sleeping. hmm
DD2 will return tomorrow to a clean room with fresh, clean bedding

I hope, against the odds, that it all works out for the guy with the 'evil LL' and he turns out to be ok after all. I know the area he intends to move to and it is a fantastic area.

Jux Fri 27-Jun-14 20:02:33

When presented with a situation like this you have to strive for balance.

On balance this man is harmless. In a difficult situation and probably a bit discombobulated so perhaps not acting like his normal self. This will not be helped by staying with a bunch of virtual strangers in a strange house, with two young women, one of whose bed and room has been made available to him. It is very unlikely that he is a danger to anyone.

He is probably very aware that he is making things inconvenient for his hosts. He probably feels very awkward. I would, and I would spend as much time out and about as I could.

I am surprised that no one had suggested that he throw himself on the mercy of the Council housing dept first thing on Monday morning. He would have had a massive advantage then, as he was homeless, had crashed at an acquaintance's place where the bed was no longer free because the dd was returning home that day.

I know Council housing is stretched ridiculously thin, but he could have spent this last week in a B&B courtesy of them, and he would then have been on their books. As it is, he now finds himself with nowhere to go but a week further on.

If he hasn't found a flat share or anything at the weekend, tell him to get down to the Council on Monday first thing and throw himself on their mercy. By havering for another week, you may actually have done him a disservice as he wouldn't have met the unscruplulous LL, and he will certainly be a week later onto the Council's books than he would have been.

OP, it was a kind thing you did, being presented with this situation by your dh, but please ask him to think more carefully next time. Not the original w/e stay, but by extending the stay for a week has not helped anyone at all. That was foolish.

ComposHat Fri 27-Jun-14 19:14:01

What guy in his 40s would not want to sleep in the same house as a 2 women in their early 20s.This will only end badly

Jesus that is really revealing about your mindset.

As a mid-30s male who spends part of his working life teaching young women in their late teens/ early twenties I can assure you I've never wanted to sleep with any of them. (Castigate them for turning up to a seminar without having done the reading, yes.) Let alone force unwanted sexual attention on them.

Or is this something that happens post 40? Will I then try and hump their legs like a randy dog?

SquigglySquid Fri 27-Jun-14 19:00:21

Women are always lying for ulterior motives, don't you know. They love to throw good, honest, lovely men's reputations in the dust for their own selfish ends. That's why you should never believe them.

Don't forget the false rape reports. Women only cry rape as a form of revenge.

This really is ridiculous. You would never tell a woman to go to a man's house if she feels uncomfortable. But now the general consensus is that she should just get over herself and that she should have to spend the night with a strange man she's never met? Why? Because her father said so? Because he's been abused? Please.

Even if he does have low IQ and an LD, criminals don't have a maximum IQ they have to reach before they start breaking the law. It could be his lack of social skills that bug her. Personally if he's out all day I'll err on the side of he's probably fine. But it's not a risk I would take with my family.

We really need to stop infantalizing people with disabilities and victims of abuse by saying how helpless and saintly they are. They aren't. They're just as capable of being little shits like everyone else.

Everyone here saying "Not all men rape!" Not one of you would take a strange man in your house where he had easy access to your family. Not one, because you know it IS a risk no matter how much you cringe at someone saying it out loud. The OP's DH is foolish, and frankly, she's lucky that this turned out alright.

LadyLemongrab Fri 27-Jun-14 18:22:33

glasgowstevenagain

What guy in his 40s would not want to sleep in the same house as a 2 women in their early 20s.

This will only end badly

Your thought processes are fucked.
I wouldn't want this man in my home either but your posts here are so fixated on one extremely unlikely scenario that I think the one saving grace in this whole scenario is that you aren't this family's guest.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 27-Jun-14 18:21:56

If he has got learning difficulties and low iq it could well be his lack of social skill or immature behaviour that might make op dd uncomfortable, not that he's done any wrong. Op dident actually say he had done anything wrong to her dd, her dd sounds very open so if he did I am sure op would know about it!

shockinglybadteacher Fri 27-Jun-14 18:05:48

Women are always lying for ulterior motives, don't you know. They love to throw good, honest, lovely men's reputations in the dust for their own selfish ends. That's why you should never believe them.

headdesk

I doubt very strongly that OP's DD is lying. I think she actually does feel uncomfortable with this bloke in the house. She hasn't called him a rapist or anything else. She wanted to know when he'd be out so she could do usual things before her job like have a shower or whatever without being alone in the house with a troubled man. That doesn't seem incredibly weird to me.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Fri 27-Jun-14 18:01:40

Thank you for that - but her feeling uncomfortable still seems very convenient.

And I'm not even one of the ones saying the bloke should be taken in for any length of time.

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