To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

(467 Posts)
Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 14:43:52

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

LisaMed Wed 25-Jun-14 14:50:01

Eviction isn't straightforward. If the current tenant refuses to go at the end of the notice period then the landlord will have to go through the courts and it can take a while. In fact the current tenant may feel forced to stay until the bailiffs evict as otherwise they will be 'intentionally homeless' and the council will have no duty to help them find housing. Meanwhile your friend has nowhere to go and his deposit is being held, and held, and held.

Soooo the poor lad is stuck in a hard place. He could try and get his deposit back and look for a room in a shared house, which would be quicker.

I think the charity for male dv vicitims is Mankind. They are ridiculously underfunded, but it may be worth while googling and calling them and see if they have any suggestions.

I know this is tough on you, but I hope he won't be forced to go back to his abuser due to housing issues.

LisaMed Wed 25-Jun-14 14:50:46

btw only do what you can do. Sending good vibes for all involved.

WorraLiberty Wed 25-Jun-14 14:51:15

Your DD said that?

Wow. I was already thinking how privileged your children are to all have their own bedrooms.

I'd send your DD back to her mates house and see if she gets away with using that sort of language to her mate's Mum.

You are doing a kind thing in giving this guy a room, sounds like he has no where else to go.

Your DD on the other hand.......hmmm, maybe you could teach her the art of compassion. However, you do need to make sure it is just a week and be firm when the time comes for him to go. You don't want to end up having him till his new place is ready as legally a LL cannot serve 4 weeks notice, it should be 2 months served on a particular day and who knows whether the current tenant will leave.

Where will he go for the other 3 weeks though, maybe the streets are his only alternative.

airforsharon Wed 25-Jun-14 14:52:43

The LL sounds a bit of a shit, and I would be concerned about the flat falling through and he might well have just waved goodbye to the deposit he has paid. However.

If it was really only going to be 4 weeks I think I would want to help him a out and let him stay. But you say he's an acquaintance rather than a close friend, and his staying means your DD giving up her room. My main concern would be 4 weeks could become 5, then 6....and resentment will build all round.

He needs good advice - CAB as a start? But I don't think YABU unreasonable to be disinclined to have him stay for too much longer.

I think as hard as it is you have to put your DD first, she has willingly given up her space for a time but now she feels she needs it back. Can your friend stay on the sofa or on a blow up bed in the lounge?

gamerchick Wed 25-Jun-14 14:54:49

There are landlords that kick people out with 4 weeks notice? Poor buggers.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 25-Jun-14 14:55:31

I am shock at what your dd said, I hope you disciplined her, totally unacceptable! It's good of you to have him, he could go to CAB or contact menkind the male DV charity for help.

LadyLemongrab Wed 25-Jun-14 14:56:07

Two separate issues.

Firstly, he was silly to pay a deposit (are you sure he has? I'm a cynical old boot but I'd think possibly a tall tale to sell the idea of another month at yours). As has been said already, chances are current tenant will be there a lot longer.

Secondly, you do not owe anybody, no matter what they're going through, a place in your home. We're there no discussions at the weekend about how long you'd let him stay?

CanaryYellow Wed 25-Jun-14 14:57:47

That landlord's current tenant isn't going to be out of that property in 4 weeks time.

I think one week is more than generous to let this man stay.

As for the DD - her room was given up without her knowledge or consent because she happened to be staying out at a friend's house for the evening. I wouldn't be best pleased to come home and find a random strange man sleeping in my room either. I don't think she's wrong to say enough's enough. Although her language is choice.

TheCatsBollocks Wed 25-Jun-14 14:58:26

How old is your DD?

AnyFucker Wed 25-Jun-14 14:59:39

I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Really ? Gosh, you are all heart in your family aren't you ?

This poor bloke needs to look for a room in a shared house/flat until he can get something better sorted. I hope he manages that and leaves your place ASAP, for everyone's sake.

Have you pointed him in the direction of the Mankind Initiative ?

benfoldsfive Wed 25-Jun-14 15:04:01

Its a life lesson for your dd. For all of.you it sounds

Its a week - in this situation and the scheme of things - its nothing.

To him its everything

i grew up in a house where there was always room at our table and learnt so much by my parents being kind to thoae in need.

Its a week. Of sharing with her sister. He will be feeling akward enough and want out to i should imagine but has very little choice in the mattee.You have made hre sound like a right spoilt brat.

bakingaddict Wed 25-Jun-14 15:04:25

My suggestion would be that you don't mind storing his valuables till his new place materialises but he needs to think about some sort of temporary accommodation asap such as a B and B or Travelodge till his flat is ready. I may sound heartless but and if he was a close friend or family member i'd feel differently but he is just an acquaintance of your DH. Can he not rally round other members of the cricket club to help him out?

I fear your house guest may be with you for months

CoffeeTea103 Wed 25-Jun-14 15:09:32

Gosh your dd has a rotten mouthshock

Pantone363 Wed 25-Jun-14 15:14:07

Sit your DD down in front of The Blind Side and make her watch it until she learns something.

You don't have to help this man. You don't have to do anything. Personally I'd let him stay and contribute with a 4 week deadline. Think of it as a lesson in charity.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 15:14:10

Did DD really say he could fuck off, or are you paraphrasing in a colorful way?

I don't see why he can't sleep on the couch.

Not to be heartless, but domestic disputes really aren't something you want to involve yourself in unless the person is family or a close friend. By the time the victims get out they already have maladaptive coping techniques, mental health issues, dependency issues, etc.. all of which can impact their ability to get out and be self sustaining the same way a confident independent person could. He very well could make 4 weeks into 6 weeks, and so on because he may not be in the best mind frame to get out on his own. That's why they have shelters and support networks for DV victims because they need actual outside help dealing with this sort of crisis, because it's not an easy thing to overcome and it's often a complicated issue.

Don't get me wrong, they need help and deserve to get it. But it requires time, patience and understanding to help someone truly get their life back on track, and more work than you should be doing for an acquaintance. It's certainly not a situation I would bring to my door step in case his partner finds him and threatens him while the kids are there.

He needs to get real help from either a law enforcement officer, family, or a shelter where he can get in touch with a solicitor.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:14:33

I'm sorry if I have made my dd sound awful - she is really the most amazing person.
She is 21 and she was fine to let this stranger have her room for a couple of nights.
She was just in shock when I explained to her this morning that this guy wanted to stay another month and a bit hmm that some other poor guy would be evicted because of him.
She was just sounding off to me - she would never dream of saying something like that to the poor guy!

How many of you saying that OP's DD is spoilt would happily give up your bedroom for a friend for several weeks? I would certainly help a friend out and let them stay on my sofa but not in my bed!

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 15:20:26

And she is very much within her rights, NU at all to say exactly those words. She has been made a partner in his misfortune - as has the current tenant of the flat he expects to move into.

I too would be looking at the door and wondering why he wasn't making plans to use it sooner rather than later.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:21:57

Thanks AnyFucker for the link to mankind initiative. I have never heard of it before!

What is a couple of nights to most people? I said to my DD a couple of nights. She said ok a couple of nights. She is sharing a bed with her 5 year old brother.

It is getting awkward for me and the DDs as this man is not really a friend of my DH so he has never been to our house. It would be a whole lot easier if we actually knew him!

sewinghomey Wed 25-Jun-14 15:24:53

I'd suggest for the man to try and get his deposit back and look for a room in a shared house. The process would be much faster.

As for your DD, yes her choice of words are appealing, but I can see where she's coming from. I wouldn't be happy giving up my room for a further month after agreeing otherwise tbh.

Can't the man stay on the sofa or a blow up bed in the living room so DD can have her room back?

AgaPanthers Wed 25-Jun-14 15:25:18

Local church might help?

Sounds like new l/l is a cunt.

sewinghomey Wed 25-Jun-14 15:25:36

appealing?! I mean....APPALLING!!

Worst typo ever. Fuck blush

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