While we're on the subject of child maintenance. How many would admit to living with a DP who doesn't pay it?

(171 Posts)
WorraLiberty Mon 23-Jun-14 22:51:21

I'm just curious that's all.

It's quite common to read that a lot of MNetters don't receive any maintenance for their kids.

Yet it's also quite common to read that MNetters DPs do pay maintenance for their kids.

So AIBU to wonder why there is such a discrepancy? Or is there something I've (quite possibly!) overlooked?

Is there a chance that some men are claiming they do pay their exes when they actually don't...and that their new DPs are non the wiser?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 28-Jun-14 16:42:14

I'm quite happy to have a chip on my shoulder about certain topics.

And stand by my view that if you are a NRP of any gender and you don't have 50:50 then who cares if you didn't want a child,don't like your ex or what ever you should be paying the required amount towards supporting your child

Snatchoo Fri 27-Jun-14 18:31:47

Nope.

I've been on MN long enough to know that the written word can sometimes be misconstrued so I try to be forthright and specific smile

needaholidaynow Fri 27-Jun-14 09:10:07

Snatchoo I thought you were insinuating that if someone doesn't pay maintenance for their partner if he loses his job or whatever then it makes them utter cunts. Even if you were only referring to yourself.

IneedAwittierNickname Thu 26-Jun-14 22:38:51

snatchoo I was just reading your comment (thinking for some reason it was aimed at me) and thinking "wtf?" then realised you were talking to someone else grin

Molly333 Thu 26-Jun-14 22:02:49

Damn good point smile

Snatchoo Thu 26-Jun-14 21:52:21

Jesus, Needa - chip on your shoulder much?!

I know that - I would feel a cunt as DSS is 13 and I have known him for ten years, plus I have a fairly good relationship with his mum.

Which is why I didn't offer any opinion about what anybody else said.

IneedAwittierNickname Thu 26-Jun-14 14:55:02

The amount and reliability of maintenance from my ex is totally affected by whether he is in relationship or not.

When we split he paid the amount we agreed on based on CSA rates. IIRC it remained the same once he moved in with his gf (who was incidentally the ow)

Then they split up and he moved in with his dad. Occasionally then I'd hear " why should I pay you to sit around doing fuck all, get a job I'm sick of paying you" The fact that we had jointly decided that I should be a sahm, and extortionate childcare costs meant returning to work would be stupid was apparently irrelevant.

Sometimes he'd say he didn't believe I was spending the money 'correctly' and that he'd order my food shopping instead of paying me shock

Then he moved in with his current gf and her 2 dc. (they've since had 1 together too) and became unreliable. I went to the CSA. He gleefully told me maintenance would b reduced as he is 'responsible' for her dc (she messaged me at one point gloating that she claimed CSA from her ex, as well as mine being responsible).
At one point he moved out as him living with her affected her benefits, but as I couldn't prove that to the CSA they still made the reduction for her dc.

He has since, with her encouragement, quit his job and was ordered to pay me £5 per week. They've asked the CSA to reassess as they can't afford it as they "have a baby" yet his just done his motorbike test, bought a bike, a new (to them) car etc etc.

I couldn't be with a man like that, and have ended relationships. My mum said one of the things she loves about my step dad was the fact he always paid maintenance to his ex and would never have dreamed of cutting it.

needaholidaynow Thu 26-Jun-14 09:48:51

But I do and I'm happy to. I would feel like an utter cunt if I didn't - I earn a good wage, it's not his or his son's fault DH was made redundant.

That's fine if you're happy to and can afford it. But remember, other people can't and/or won't but that doesn't make them utter cunts.

Calminacrisis Thu 26-Jun-14 09:39:04

My ex and I initially had a private arrangement worked out through mediation. He reneged on that at will and messed around with mortgage payments. Then HE went to the CSA thinking this would give him lower payments - it did because of the fact they only looked at two to three months worth of payslips. The payslips they saw neatly coincided with a period in which he had scheduled surgery and therefore had a much reduced apparent income. I begged the CSA to consider the fact that he was in fact a 50% tax payer so clearly had a much higher income then they thought but once the CSA had their blinkers on, that was it. For two years, I watched as he bought (and wrote off) a top end car, went on numerous foreign breaks, bought the deluded new gf an engagement ring whilst I robbed Peter and paid Paul. I went from IS to working p/t and managed, after a struggle to make ends meet. Ex is of the mindset as described on here that he would see everyone go without rather than pay money to me. Quite what he thinks I do with it, apart from buy uniform x3, food, rent, utilities etc etc, I don't know. The CSA have finally admitted they cocked up. A proper investigation revealed ex owes arrears for the past two years, his maintenance was upped by 50%. His response? He now wants to have his three dds overnight as often as possible, having previously struggled to fit them in to his busy social life. Why? He gets a reduction for the nights they stay. I have no wish to use them as a pawn but it sticks in my throat to know the motives behind his actions. Even his gf has admitted to me that she realises he acts like a dick towards his dds.

JoffreyBaratheon Thu 26-Jun-14 00:32:28

My ex has never paid a penny for the kids, now 12 and 13... He is loaded, though. And I don't know if he has had any other partners since I split with him about 10 yrs ago, but at one point he was sending me emails claiming him and his 'partner' had a baby and were about to have another, but because I was evilz she didn't want my kids to ever meet their half sister/brother/gonk whatever it was. I just had this really strong feeling he was making it up and after a year or so he admitted the new family never existed.

He was on Incapacity Benefit so CSA said he had to pay £0 because he was mental. Yet all along he had a flat in London, inherited a third of a London house worht about a million, and had hundreds of thou in the bank from other bequests/scams etc. He now runs in godly circles - did the Alpha Course at a C of E church in Holborn, and he told all his mates there he pays for the kids, and that a court order said he could see them but I am evilz and refused.... (court order actually denied him any contact at all).

Later, he harassed me, was found guilty in a court of law, yet got off with a suspended sentence as these Alpha course enablers were character witnesses. Every one of them heard the evidence, knew he was a criminal and knew he had never supported his kids. Do they give a shit? No. But they do strike me as mentally vulnerable themselves so I'd guess they might be where he has managed to finally capture a new partner. (It's the christians or a Thai mail order bride). And she will be told he supports his kids, I am certain.

What matters is the kids know he doesn't. So they have no intention of seeing or meeting him even when they hit 16. You reap what you sow. As the dodgy Holborn Alpha course should have warned him.

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 26-Jun-14 00:31:11

Similar situation to brurther here. When DP and his ex split they initially had joint custody with DP paying maximum amount of maintenance. That didn't work out for long, but when we got a flat and dss came to live with us full time DP's exW kicked off about the maintenance stopping and went after him for spousal maintenance, which obviously didn't happen. She got the house from the divorce, because it was DSs's home, but after he stopped staying over (mainly due to her drinking and attacking her boyfriend) she sold the house, pissed away all the cash and now renting off her boyfriend. She hardly sees her DSs and has contributed nothing but still gets the child benefit.

Regardless what sex you are, break up can sometimes highlight a useless parent.

Oh and my parents divorced and my DAd never paid a penny, but my mum never stopped him seeing me. Sometimes I feel I've been fucked over twice by the whole maintenance thing.

Snatchoo Thu 26-Jun-14 00:28:07

My DH doesn't pay it as he's out of work - has been for 18 months now sad

But I do smile and I'm happy to. I would feel like an utter cunt if I didn't - I earn a good wage, it's not his or his son's fault DH was made redundant.

VirkeligRodet Thu 26-Jun-14 00:05:39

exactly dojo

My x got confused between being preventing from seeing children, and my not bending over backwards to facilitate that for him at his convenience. He couldn't understand the difference. ie, I had repeatedly said that he could see them, but he never arranged it. He wanted me to drive them over to his house. And then come and collect them. I waited for him to initiate something. A request to visit, a suggestion for an outing.........

OleOleOle Thu 26-Jun-14 00:04:26

My ex paid his ex, £200* a month child maintenance for their son. He and I went on holiday and didn't bring gifts back for their son. The ex went off her head over this. The rage lasted for days and said she was going to the CSA. CSA calculation came back at £120*. He reduced the payment.

*may not be the exact amounts. It was back in the nineties and my memory isn't great.

He was a tightwad twunt. His exw, me and his next exw all had lucky escapes. I see on FB he's recently had his 3rd marriage. The current W seems nice, pity.

McPhee Wed 25-Jun-14 23:06:02

Ex pays nothing towards Dd. In the last month we have received £1.78. He is living, although not officially or he would get his benefits cut, with his new GF. She is fully aware he pays nothing towards any of his children, yet thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

One day, she will wake up. They both disgust me.

He has 4 children, and supports none of them. Oh, but he will throw his toys out of the pram and send solicitors letters of you don't do what he wants. Funny how can can pay for paper, but not for clothes or food for his children. Oh, he can also afford to smoke, and drink farking energy drinks. Why he needs them I don't know. He does fark all to use energy hmm

WANKER!!!!

DoJo Wed 25-Jun-14 22:55:19

Even a parent using their child as a weapon isn't able to magic gas, electricity, mortgage payments, school uniform and food out of thin air - a child living with such a parent deserves to be supported even if circumstances beyond the child's control make it difficult for the NRP.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 25-Jun-14 22:49:52

They do keep we are talking about NRP's some of those are mothers.

There is no excuse at all to not be paying the correctly assessed amount of maintainance if you are a NRP even if your ex is a cunt.

keepyourchinupdear Wed 25-Jun-14 22:08:10

What if a man wanted his 'fling' to terminate? What if the woman uses her child like a weapon to get what she wants? What if the woman is a shit mother/person? I think men are too quickly demonised. Women should have equal accountability too.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 25-Jun-14 21:52:13

Either way, SS are never going to get involved simply because of that and the person who suggested it was being silly

I was the person who asked if the mother was neglecting the kids ad if so why it was not reported.

I asked because of the sheer amount of times on threads like these the amount of utter bollocks responses that say "but she does not spend it on the kids their clothes and house are xyz and the food they eat" insert any word intended to imply actual neglect.

When in reality what they really mean is " I'm so much better than her/him my standards are higher but I like to throw around insults about her/him"

BruthasTortoise Wed 25-Jun-14 18:54:30

She genuinely believes that because she voluntarily signed over the child benefit to DH when she left him and the boys for her new fella that it takes care of her contribution to their upkeep. To the point that the one time she kept them for four days she asked DH for the ChB as "he wasn't paying for them that week". She has her own issues though and it must be hard for any woman to accept that she gave up on being fully involved in her DCs life for a man who left her after a few years when a younger woman came along.

needaholidaynow Wed 25-Jun-14 18:47:56

"I gave birth to them and I'm a woman and women don't pay maintenance"

How deluded is she??? confused

BruthasTortoise Wed 25-Jun-14 18:23:01

My DH doesn't pay maintenance for my DSSs because he is the RP. Their Mother doesn't pay maintenance because "I gave birth to them and I'm a woman and women don't pay maintenance." When CSA finally managed to get a attachment on her wage she quit her job. Classy woman hmm

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 25-Jun-14 18:16:18

I do think the OP's question is interesting though. My stbx stopped paying maintenance months ago, when he moved in with his OW (they'd just gotten engaged). He literally quit his job, moved a few hours away to the OW's house (and her kids), and stopped paying maintenance. He hasn't spoken or seen the DCs since then.

The OW has just recently kicked him out, and I'm curious why (although I refuse to ask - I'll just have to always wonder I suppose). Was he behaving abusively as he did to us? Was it because he wasn't working (and most likely not trying that hard to find a job)? Did she know that he wasn't paying maintenance - she obviously knew he wasn't seeing his DCs.

carabos Wed 25-Jun-14 18:16:14

I spent 12 years trying to get my well-paid, from a wealthy family, remarried to a wealthy woman, ex husband to pay maintenance for our DS. His reasoning for not paying was that he didn't see him (his choice) so shouldn't have to contribute. He also did the "you can manage without extra money from me" thing.

At one court hearing, his solicitor went through the income statements and actually said out loud that the only reason I was "hounding" his client for money was greed, because my statement of affairs indicated that I could manage on my own income. I didn't "need" the money so I shouldn't be asking for it. Oh and the second wife was the one who drove the no-contact, no-money situation.

Rather than admit that he was a no contact, no support parent, XH went further and eventually got himself into a new neighbourhood and social group where no-one knew that he had a) been married before and b) had a child of that marriage. Including his DD by his second wife shock. His neighbours were somewhat surprised when through a rather weird set of circumstances me, DS1 (his) DS2 and DH moved into XH's village for a 9 month period and it all came out. DS1 looks identical to him, so there was no arguing it really.

Men like this (and the women who encourage and enable them) make my blood boil. They need putting in the stocks. angry

HavanaSlife Wed 25-Jun-14 18:07:09

Agree

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