To wonder how many mums get diddly squat from their ex / kids father?

(187 Posts)
newsecretidentity Mon 23-Jun-14 19:36:39

Partly inspired by another thread which linked to the child maintenance calculator. I clicked on it, entered a very conservative estimate of ex's earnings and a very optimistic estimate of the number of nights they spend with him... and I was gobsmacked by the amount.

I hadn't looked at the calculator since we were first splitting up a year ago, and he insisted he couldn't afford maintenance and would lose the house. (Almost the day I left, the central heating system went, and he couldn't afford to fix that- so went without heat or hot water for almost a year.) I didn't push the maintenance issue, and as it turns out he's had the kids less than he originally planned. I don't feel he has any intention of ever paying support. There will always be some "issue" or reason he can't afford it. If I go through CMS, I run the risk that he'll disappear and I'll be unable to work at the times he usually has the kids.

We've managed, although it's been desperately tight at times, when clients are slow in paying their bills. I know maintenance money would help (a lot), but chasing it is a gamble I'm afraid to take.

Am I just a big mug, or are there other women like me who just give up on support and make do on their own?

weatherall Mon 23-Jun-14 19:42:47

Most don't ime.

Booooooooooooooooooooo Mon 23-Jun-14 19:45:12

And also, is there a reason WHY men don't feel like utter shitbags for not paying for their children? Even if I thought my ex was going to spend it on wine and handbags, I'd still want to know that I had done the right thing.

If it's calculated on income, how can anyone say they can't afford it?

nozzernoodles Mon 23-Jun-14 19:47:48

You are not alone! My ex is now working for himself abroad, so I have no hope! He comes back to the uk a few (4/5) times a year. Every now and again he will pay for something for DS, then uses this for months on end to show how unreasonable I am for saying he never pays for anything.

He also doesn't provide any childcare, even when he is back in the UK to 'see' DS, looking after him on his own is normally a nightmare to sort! DS is 10, not a toddler, so not exactly difficult to look after.

He does however think he has a right to demand that DS should go over to stay with him abroad, travel alone on a 12 hour flight, with 2 changes..he is DS's father after all you know! He should have an equal day in how he is brought up, without any of the responsibility.

Rant over! Sorry OP, sensitive issue! It is really difficult to give advice over this, as ever situation has it's own risks. Of course the absent parent should be made to pay, but I think it's important to way up the positives and negatives of both options and pick the best (of a bad set) of options.

Good luckhmm

Ledkr Mon 23-Jun-14 19:51:46

I get nothing but I got our house by agreeing to wave my right to maintainence. I knew he'd never pay it anyway as he was self employed.
He's since gone on to have four more dc so I'd have had nothing.

Bicciemoosh Mon 23-Jun-14 19:54:54

Me. I have to suppress a bitter laugh when people say "oh and my waste of space ex only gives me £400 a month.." and the like. The most I have ever had from my ex was £28 a week. Now it's absolutely nothing. He provides nothing of use for my son, and only sees him roughly every six weeks so it's nothing to do with shared care or making up for it by buying uniform or anything.

I'm trying very hard not to care, at least this way I know he can never say anything about me "scrounging off him" (as he has said in the past) and I will never ever beg him for money because I've been proving we can do fine without it.

newsecretidentity Mon 23-Jun-14 20:04:16

I don't really have many divorced friends, so it's hard to find a basis for comparison. I bet my ex isn't the only one who doesn't want to pay for his kids. (In his head, it was my "idea" to have kids so they're my responsibility.)

MikeLitoris Mon 23-Jun-14 20:04:46

Nothing here. Well actually he pays dinner money every other week. Used to get £30 a month. That stopped over a year ago.

fluffyraggies Mon 23-Jun-14 20:09:23

Nothing for the first 2 years - then after that it was the exact amount the CSA chased him for and not a penny more. Now as they each hit 18 any financial support from him to them just stops dead. As if they suddenly cease to exist in real terms. Obviously once they are 18 everything they need suddenly comes from thin air hmm

This man is my XH of 13 years and lived with me and the DDs until we split up. All lived in the same house, he happily fathered them, saw them born and raised for the first 8, 10 and 12 years of their life but seems to believe that because he and i split up his responsibility for them just ended angry

HattyMonkey Mon 23-Jun-14 20:10:02

I get nothing, did get something when he was in the police through an attachment of earnings. 7 years ago he went self employed since then fuck all. His company makes no money apparently!

Fixitagaintomorrow Mon 23-Jun-14 20:12:53

Never seen a penny. He's never even met dd.

Icantstopeatinglol Mon 23-Jun-14 20:15:28

It's shameful in my opinion, blokes that call themselves dads then try to get out of paying for child support for their kids. Why would you not want to do this?! My dh has always paid child maintenance and is more than happy to do so, it's not even a choice? It's to raise his dd, the child he/we loves and brought into this world!
My dsis ex however has moved jobs numerous times to avoid paying, my nephew now doesn't see him. Speaks volumes.

DrCoconut Mon 23-Jun-14 20:18:11

I have had nothing in cash or kind and I am very happy with that. I left ex for DV and he refused to see DS after that. So did all his family. A clean break is undoubtedly for the best. With no controlling behaviour or wrangling over money we have all been able to get on with our lives and I have always managed fine.

gamerchick Mon 23-Jun-14 20:25:01

I asked once and he put 30p in my hand with a smirk. Says my husbands the mug who'll pay for someone else's kids and really doesn't see anything wrong with not paying because I'm the one who dumped him hmm

I even have to send food over with the kids because middle kid eats a lot.

You would think they would want to.

meddie Mon 23-Jun-14 20:27:10

received the odd £100 if he could be bothered to send it (he is director of an oil and gas company so by no means skint). Infact he buggered off to america at first leaving me with all the debts to pay as I was the one the companies could actually get hold of. He would see the kids maybe once a year for a few hours on one of his many business trips to the uk. take them to toys r us, buy them hundreds of pounds worth of toys, when their shoes were falling off their feet and they didnt have winter coats. Kids thought that was great. he would email maybe once every 3 months to ask how they were then we would hear nothing for a year. he would reply maybe once for every 3 emails they sent him
he is 'heartbroken' and 'gutted' that his now adult daughter has totally disowned him and wants nothing to do with him.
his loss. I,m not crying any tears over his pain

WooWooOwl Mon 23-Jun-14 20:46:58

Out of all the separated parents I know, 9 couples off the top of my head, only one involves a flakey father who doesn't put any effort into either paying for or seeing his children.

I have a private arrangement with my ex, and although he sometimes pays a bit late, he always pays. The regular amount each month isn't that much, but he will pay half of all big expenses on top of that, like school trips, uniform etc.

IdrisElbaIsMyHusband Mon 23-Jun-14 20:50:21

I've never had a penny off DD1 "father" he's never met her though

Pleasecanisleepnow Mon 23-Jun-14 20:51:25

I get diddly squat!

yestheyhavethesamedad Mon 23-Jun-14 20:52:13

I get £50 a week when he says he has it, this isn't even £10 per child and he is now living with someone else and her children

Luggagecarousel Mon 23-Jun-14 20:53:22

Never had a penny. That is fair enough, the children are my responsibility. I chose to have them. I love being a mum. I wouldn't change a thing.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Mon 23-Jun-14 20:55:20

My mum never got a penny from my dad and she went through the CSA. He just wouldn't pay and they never even tried to force him.

He's never shown any remorse for the shitty childhood we endured because he refused to pay for his children.

newsecretidentity Mon 23-Jun-14 20:55:40

Oh yeah! I also have to send snacks and packed lunches for the childminder if they'll be with him overnight. He did sort of try a couple of times, but he just has no idea what to put in. I'd get the kids back after school the next day with an uneaten lunch and ratty with hunger.

feelinghothothot Mon 23-Jun-14 20:57:25

Nothing here either

Luggagecarousel Mon 23-Jun-14 21:07:55

I don't think a father being absent makes for a "shitty" childhood Pourquoi! It sounds like there was a lot of hostility. I would suggest that is what caused problems, rather than lack of maintenance!

I can't see why the dad's filling the lunch box is any less valid than yours, News. If they were "ratty with hunger" they would have eaten it, wouldn't they!

Why do so many single mums pour this constant stream of vitriol and blame over the fathers. Surely the more bile you pour, the more absent the father becomes.

You are the winner, you are the one benefiting from being with and caring for your lovely children. Just enjoy, and be grateful.You chose to have children, you are responsible for them, especially if the father leaves. He is the one who loses out.

ChiefBillyNacho Mon 23-Jun-14 21:10:01

Nothing here either. He's too busy supporting someone else's children whose mother doesnt work. I too have sent food and provide all the clothes for her there. And I have to send dd with spending money for their days out.

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