7 year old not allowed to attend a funeral.

(323 Posts)
Rhian1 Tue 17-Jun-14 19:05:08

Hi Mumsnet, long time lerker - 1st time posting.

My granddad passed away last week. We have talked about this very openly with our seven year old son, who is quite (i think) emotionally mature for his age.

We discussed the funeral, talked about what to expect and what will happen on the day, I believe he should attend.

However, after speaking to my grandmother (deceased spouse), she is amendment that he will not be allowed to go under any circumstances and if we do take him he will be asked to leave, even if that means me leaving as well.

I have tried talking to her, I believe this isn't her decision to make.

The funeral is some 120 miles away from our home, we have no options of childcare and I wish my husband to attend (for his own personal respects, and selfish reasons that I would like his support).

What do I do now?! I have prepared my son for this, how can I possibly tell him he cant go? Or that none of us are going? I really dont want to make a scene at funeral.

Rock (me) hardplace.

Please help!

Teeb Tue 17-Jun-14 19:07:12

Hmm, I can't help but feel that I would want my wishes to be respected when the person I've loved and been married to for decades dies.

PedantMarina Tue 17-Jun-14 19:08:14

Wow, this hits me hard. Don't want to get into it, but YANBU to give

AdoraBell Tue 17-Jun-14 19:08:32

What reason has she given, and is this your widowed mother or DH's?

Zephyroux Tue 17-Jun-14 19:08:41

I think you should respect your Grandmother's wishes and absolutely believe that it is her decision to make. My Grandmother made a similar decision when my Grandfather died and this was respected by all of our family.

trufflesnout Tue 17-Jun-14 19:08:51

I believe this isn't her decision to make.

I get what you mean, but it sort of is since she's the spouse. If you can't talk her round then you can't really do anything but accept it and respect her wishes. I would not show up with him in tow when he's not been invited - hope you're not planning to since she said you'd be turned away.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 17-Jun-14 19:09:09

Why should he not attend?

What are her reasons?

If it is too young then surely you are the parents and can decide that...and, isn't a funeral open house and anyone can attend?

Muffliato Tue 17-Jun-14 19:09:56

My mum died when I was 7 and I went to the church for the service but didn't go to the cemetery as my family thought that would scare me, looking back they were right.
Could that be a compromise? Try and explain that ds wants to say goodbye and get some closure?

reluctantphotographer Tue 17-Jun-14 19:10:01

Sorry for your loss.

But. You've lost a grandad. Your son has lost a great-grandad.

Your Gran has lost her husband. Who, I assume, has been her husband for a very long time. I'd say her wishes trump yours for this. Sorry.

I understand you want your child to be there. I understand it's difficult. But she has to be given her place and her wishes have to be paramount. I think.

I do hope you manage to find a way through - could you go with your husband and child, get your husband to take your son for a run around the park/ice cream during the service and then meet at the house or whatever after the service? Would that be an option?

simpson Tue 17-Jun-14 19:10:10

Have you asked her why he can't be there?

Ozne Tue 17-Jun-14 19:10:15

Tricky, but your grandmother's wishes trump yours at this point. Could your ds attend the wake afterwards as a compromise?

Viviennemary Tue 17-Jun-14 19:10:23

I really think that on this occasion you have to bow down to the wishes of the deceased person's spouse. We all have our own feelings on this. (I'm not in favour of young children attending funerals unless in exceptional circumstances). But that is quite beside the point and not important. I know that is not what you want to hear. But you can't take your DS if your grandmother doesn't want him to go. It would be wrong. I am sorry you are facing this at this difficult and sad time.

Boudica1990 Tue 17-Jun-14 19:10:35

Its quite the No No where I'm from for children to attend funerals. It's a very old school tradition. It's seen as not the time or place for children, and I can see why, no child needs to see adults sobbing and grieving, funerals are a very emotional situation not one I would like to expose a pre teen to personally.

mommy2ash Tue 17-Jun-14 19:10:43

i wouldn't go against your granny on this. i have found a lot of older generation people i know don't like children at funerals, has she given you a reason why? was your son close to your grandfather? are any other children attending?

PedantMarina Tue 17-Jun-14 19:10:53

Sorry

... to give DS closure/goodbye. If you really think he'd want this.

AdoraBell Tue 17-Jun-14 19:11:24

Sorry, misread. How do your parents feel, could they speak to your grandmother?

MozzchopsThirty Tue 17-Jun-14 19:11:27

Sorry I agree with her
Your reasons for needing everyone with you are purely selfish.
I don't think it's appropriate for a 7 year old to attend a funeral, I didn't take ds1 to my dads funeral, he was 6
If you're going to be so distressed that you need your husband there why would you want your dc to witness that?

By all means discuss death but you're making out that he's somehow missing out 'how can I possibly tell him he can't go'? It's not centre parcs!!!

Rhian1 Tue 17-Jun-14 19:11:41

This is regarding my maternal grandparents. If I do respect my grandmothers wishes, do you have any advise on how to now approach this with my son, who is prepared for a funeral? (we prepared him before we knew he wouldn't be welcome.)

CoffeeTea103 Tue 17-Jun-14 19:11:42

I think you should respect her wishes. Maybe she doesn't want to deal with seeing children upset on what will be a difficult day. Why is it such a big deal about telling him he can't go, just say he can't?

TheFairyCaravan Tue 17-Jun-14 19:11:47

Is she saying she will ask you to leave with him? If so, did she say why?

KellyHopter Tue 17-Jun-14 19:13:22

She must have her reasons for saying this, and right now, even if her reasons are unreasonable, is not the time to dig your heels in.

Your ds will be fine with not going.

defineme Tue 17-Jun-14 19:13:36

I think you go on your own. I would tell your ds that grandma has decided it's adults only as she feels it's too upsetting for children. Tell him you will have your own ceremony and do something like releasing a balloon in a favourite place. I am sure you will be ok on your own-i didn't have a dh when I went to my grandparents funerals. I am afraid grandchildren's wishes don't really figure in this- it's the spouse and children.
sorry for your loss

trufflesnout Tue 17-Jun-14 19:14:02

Surely you just explain that things have changed and you won't be attending the ceremony but that you will go and visit the cemetery/grave/scatter point of great-grandad on X date?

reluctantphotographer Tue 17-Jun-14 19:14:04

You tell your son you've decided he'll be with his dad/uncle tom/whoever and that you'll see him after? Surely "Me and dad have had a chat and we don't think it's a good place for you to be. I'll see you after" is all you need to say?

Just tell him that Granny feels too sad and doesn't want your DS to see her like that.

Ask your Gran if your DS can go to the wake as a PP has suggested. IME at the wake there seems to be a lifting of the spirit as the hardest part of the day is over, and it is a nice time for reminicsing about the deceased.

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