AIBU to be really unenthusiastic about organising / attending friend's hen do?

[KitKat1985]

Hi all.

A bit of background - me and said friend have been friends a long time (about 15 years) and are all now about to hit 30 over the next few months. She is normally lovely and I was thrilled when she asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding next year (as indeed she was at mine last year). However she has a complete personality change when she has 'nights out' as she starts drinking heavily and quickly descends from being lovely to be an increasingly inconsiderate, verbally hostile drunk. She has no concept of when she should stop drinking and if others try to stop her drinking gets really rude / hostile to them. So for example at my hen night last year she insisted on dragging me / others to a night club (even though I had always said I didn't want to go clubbing, being my idea of hell), where she upset loads of other people by getting in their faces the whole time (I had to keep dragging her away from people or else she probably would have got hit), then refused to leave the club when it closed, got in an argument with the bouncer, then got really abusive to me and another friend when we said we had to go (the club was closed by this point!), and then we had to stay with her whilst she waited to be picked up by her (now) fiancé because she was in no fit state to be left alone. To be honest she ruined the night for myself and others, and this is pretty typical of how 'nights out' with her tend to go.

I (and others) have tried to talk to her about her behaviour when she drinks and she usually apologises for things she's done, but openly admits she doesn't remember the events and I don't think really has any concept of how difficult she gets. Certainly it doesn't stop her drinking again heavily the next time she goes out.

She has asked me and her other bridesmaid (who I don't know that well) to organise her hen night for her for next May. She wants a 'night out'. I am frankly dreading it, as I know being her hen night she will get exceptionally drunk and will be a nightmare all night, and frankly I just can't be bothered with it any more.

My first baby is due this Sept, and will be about 8 months by the time this hen night comes round. AIBU in organising hen night but saying to said friend in advance that I will be leaving at e,g, 11pm because of having to look after baby the next day, (which is true, although I'm sure DH would help), just to avoid having to deal with her really drunken behaviour? Or is this very un-bridesmaid like and should I just accept that it's her hen night and I should look after her all night and make sure she gets home okay?

[fifi669]

I think you've got the perfect excuse! I would also organise it, go along and bail before she becomes a nightmare. Good plan.

[HKat]

I feel for you - I have a friend very similar to this and it makes nights out with her very trying. But your situation is compounded by bridesmaid duties. If I were you, I would do as you suggested and make clear you're only there til a certain time - I think she would be really unreasonable to argue with that, given you'll be 8 months pregnant.

[WorraLiberty]

Yes I would use that excuse

But on the other hand, why do you keep having nights out with her?

Obviously the hen night is a separate matter but I would have told any friend of mine long ago, that if that's how they act when they're drunk, I'm never going to go to a pub/club with them...ever!

[TheHoneyBadger]

organise, go and leave early. i wouldn't tell her yet though - it's miles off.

you can also pre-arrange a 9pm phonecall telling you the baby is upset and you need to go home. she should be pissed enough by that time to not give much of a shit but not so pissed as to have it be a dramatic end of the world issue.

[Vintagejazz]

How does the other bridesmaid feel? If your friend has form for this kind of behaviour she mightn't be too keen either. I had a friend who behaved like this and I haven't seen her in two years. I feel guilty but TBH I just dreaded meeting up with her and had started to come with preprepared excuses as to why I had to leave early. Other people had also started to exclude her from stuff as well.
Would you consider being honest with your friend and telling her that her behaviour on nights out ruins those occasions for everyone else and you're worried about what will happen at the Hen night?

[MrsCosmopilite]

Probably 'cards on the table' time. Remind her of the occasions she has been drunk and unpleasant. Tell her you don't want to be experiencing that again. Tell her you'll have a small child to be responsible for and won't be able to stay out late.
Then organise a great hen night with as little emphasis on booze as poss?

[Booooooooooooooooooooooooo]

I think there's a few things you could say:

• I don't think I can organise the night out you'd like as we have different ideas.
  
• Happy to organise up to 11 but after that it's for the hard core to take over.
  
• you're a nightmare when drunk and I'm dreading it.
  

Having a baby to look after is a valid excuse for leaving early but I'd feel funny using that one as it's not the real reason.

[KitKat1985]

Okay, think will probably stick to the 'organise and bail out' early plan. I don't go out with her much anymore for 'nights out' for precisely this reason (and try and meet with her at non-drinking events instead), but it's difficult when it's special occasions (e.g her birthday, her hen night, etc) to decline all invites completely. As a say I (and others) have spoken to her before about how she gets on nights out, but I really don't think she 'gets it'. It's such a shame as she's lovely when sober (and has an 8-year old DD herself) but is such a nightmare when drunk.

I don't know her other bridesmaid very well so don't know how she feels about all this. I do know at friends birthday night out this year which I was thankfully sadly out of the country for she was upset that not many of her friends came, and I can't help but suspect that perhaps a lot of her other friends have had enough of her drunken behaviours as well.

[Vintagejazz]

Actually I was wondering if many would show up for her hen night. At thirty years of age most of her peers will have moved on from a 'let's go out and get absolutely hammered' mentality and have probably become as fed up as you with her behaviour.
It's sad but it will only get worse until/if she decides to take a long hard look at herself and realise she's driving away her friends and allowing drink to take over.

[Mrmenmug]

I wouldn't go at all, she sounds a nightmare. But your position is difficult. Someone needs to film her and play it back to her when she is sober so she can see the full extent of her behaviour.
At 30 she really should be able to understand her alcohol limits.
I think the 11pm leaving plan is a good one.
When your baby is born you'll probably see a parting of the ways anyway - your priorities and friendship groups change so much.
Good luck and hope it goes ok

[Vintagejazz]

When your baby is born you'll probably see a parting of the ways anyway - your priorities and friendship groups change so much. [quote]

Not necessarily. That's rather a bleak statement.

[Kundry]

I suspect this friendship is coming to an end, especially as when you have a baby your priorities will be so different. I don't think this is a bleak statement, more a recognition that you and your friend seem to have less and less in common and you will have more in common with other mums with babies of similar age.

Your 'I'll organize but I will definitely be leaving at 11pm' is good just so long as you do leave. If she moans at you before hand then you'll have to be very clear that you have a new baby and a night out getting drunk simply isn't enjoyable for you in the way it was when you are 21.

Nearer the time you may also find that not many turn up.

If you filmed her do you think she would be shocked to see it back or find it hilarious? If the latter I think I would end the friendship.

[Vintagejazz]

I agree that this friendship is probably coming to an end given the friend's behaviour. In fact, as there was such a low attendance at her birthday night, I suspect a lot of her friends are getting fed up of her.

But I do hate this assumption that mothers of young babies only want to mix with other young mums and lose touch with their other friends. Your friendship circle can broaden to encompass new people you meet through NCT group, Joejingles etc. but good friendships don't just get cast aside as if you've outgrown them.

Anyway, going off topic. Sorry OP.

[KitKat1985]

I don't think she would find it 'funny' if she saw what she was like on a night out, I think the problem is that she feels that being drunk somehow excuses her behaviour. So for example, her response to 'you were really difficult the other night' would probably be something along the lines of 'sorry, I'm really embarrassed about that, but I was drunk and didn't mean it'. This would be fine if it was the odd one off, but it's a consistent pattern, and I personally am at the point now of just thinking that if she knows that's what happens when she drinks heavily, then maybe she should take a bit of responsibility and not drink so much when she goes out. Or maybe I'm just being really old and grumpy. As I say, it's such a personality change for her to be like that as normally she's very kind and lovely, but alcohol in large quantities just doesn't agree with her.

[Vintagejazz]

Maybe it's time to be cruel to be kind. Telling her that her behaviour is not acceptable isn't working, so maybe show her by letting her know you don't want to become involved in organising her hens night or even saying 'look, I think the reason there wasn't a great turn out for your birthday was because....' But I know that's easier said than done.

Does she actually have a drink problem or is it just that a couple of drinks has a huge effect on her?

[musicalendorphins2]

This may make you feel a bit awkward, but could you tell her you are leaving after she orders her 4th drink?
Although for her hen do, I would stick with your 11pm plan.
Film her secretly, then show her the next day?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I'd think about organising an evening where the heavy drinking can't start until later. Might not be what she'd choose, but might give her a better and more memorable evening. I think 11pm is plenty late enough for you to have done your duty.

[KitKat1985]

Hmm, I don't think she has a drink problem per se. I think the problem is that as we've got older (and probably not helped by her having her DD when she was quite young - 20, and thus missing out on a lot of nights out when she was younger) her nights out have got less and less, so she just gets completely carried away when she does go out.

[RunnerHasbeen]

Suggest to the other bridesmaid that you will organise a daytime activity and she can do the night out, then put lots of effort and nice touches into your bit. She can hardly mind you leaving early to look after a baby if you have given her a great day.

[Vintagejazz]

I think I'd be very pissed off with that suggestion if I was the other bridesmaid Runner. It's basically just dumping the problem on her.