to be upset my parents won't let me visit when

(14 Posts)
fluffymouse Tue 17-Jun-14 12:53:18

My brother lives full time with them rent free.

My brother is in his mid twenties and hasn't worked a day in his life. He has not tried hard to find employment, and has turned down the few offers he has had as 'below him'. I think this is largely because he is having such a good time being unemployed as our parents pay for everything for him (he doesn't even claim jobseekers). He does nothing at home either to help out.

Often when I ask if I can visit, I'm told that 'its not convenient'. I live locally to them, in my own place, but it hurts me that they push me out like this. I'm not even expecting much in terms of company/time when I visit. When I had difficulties in the past they refused to let me move back in despite their house being more than big enough.

Aibu to be upset at the disparity here?

MammaTJ Tue 17-Jun-14 13:09:50

I know it is hurtful, but I know which of you two siblings I would rather be, and that is not your brother!

Has he always been the favoured child? Are you younger/older?

Vintagejazz Tue 17-Jun-14 13:49:41

YANBU. Your parents aren't being fair to either of their children in my opinion.

Nomama Tue 17-Jun-14 14:00:03

Move on, fluffymouse.

All you can do is continue to be independent and successful. You cannot change your parents or brother and dwelling on the situation will only make you unhappy.

As others have said, you are better off than your brother, really!

I think there are probably lots of posters here who have lived through such inequity. We survive well because we ignore it. I, for one, don't understand it, but I wholly ignore it.

Please don't let it become your defining characteristic.

Now this does sound horrible and grossly unfair but I'm going to play devils advocate a bit here...

.... My sister also lives with our parents and only works part time. She's always been babies by them to an extent. I have a good relationship with my parents and visit a lot. There's no animosity or issue between us. However when I broke up with a boyfriend I lived with in my mid twenties my parents unequivocally said I couldn't move back. Sorry but it just wasn't an option.

Now I could be pissed off about that (and believe I did make a few pissed off noises at the time grin) but I have to be honest and fair here- my sister is the easier sibling. And me and my dad couldn't live together without arguing when I was 14 let alone 24. It would have been awful for everyone. So at face value it is unfair I guess, but my parents had their reasons and I respect them. Besides, by their own admission had I been on my arse and homeless they wouldn't have seen me on the streets- it was just that they knew I could and would sort it out.

The fact your brother lives there rent free and they won't let you visit is another issue and completely not fair.

fluffymouse Tue 17-Jun-14 16:16:20

He is younger yes, and I do think that plays a big part.
I understand what you are saying somedizzy, but at the end it does still come down to favouritism. They like living with my brother, but not with me.

I left home at 16, have always worked when not studying, did very well at school, and went straight from uni to a good career. I'm not quite sure why I'm saying this, I think just to justify that I'm not lazy like my brother, and I have done well so they should be proud of me. It just feels like whatever I do won't be good enough for them. Despite my academic and other achievements I've had very little acknowledgement and also quite a bit of criticism. Whereas my brother can do no wrong.

TeenAndTween Tue 17-Jun-14 16:18:35

Well, it's clear who will be doing all the caring for them in old age ...

Timeandtune Tue 17-Jun-14 16:21:30

A couple of thoughts- could they be frightened of your brother?
Does he have some health/ disability issue that you are perhaps unaware of?

fluffymouse Tue 17-Jun-14 16:24:49

Time, no I'm 100% certain they aren't afraid of him. He is lazy, but not at all aggressive, generally very laid back.

He has absolutely no health issues, he plays sport competitively, and is fit as a fiddle. He is clever too, and no doubt capable of achieving, but he lacks any drive.

Nomama Tue 17-Jun-14 16:24:55

My DH could have written that, fluffymouse.

Unfortunately it really is you that will have to change. As I said earlier, no matter how unfair it seems and no matter how much it hurts, you MUST move on. Find a way to say 'so what?' and then ignore the inequity, forever.

I really don't understand why neither myself nor my DH were treated as outsiders in our own families or why parents and siblings seemed astonished / angry if it was ever mentioned. But we both had to get over our feelings of hurt.

If it helps you any, I absolutely despise both of DHs siblings, they are ineffectual, lazy, spoiled adults and I have no respect for them whatsoever. DH thinks much the same of my sister. Neither of us disagrees with the other smile

So you will probably find yourself hooked up to an OH who is as capable and go getting as yourself - if you can let it go!

kentishgirl Tue 17-Jun-14 16:25:05

They are doing their best to ruin your brother's life. What chance does he have of a normal happy life with job, relationship, family? Don't be jealous of him. Time will show that he may have been the favourite but this wasn't lucky for him.

fluffymouse Tue 17-Jun-14 16:33:55

No mama, thank you, what you say makes a lot of sense. I know my parents will never have any insight.

Kentish what you say is true as well. He has never had a girlfriend as well. I have tried talking to him in a gentle way, saying that I have friends in his preffered carreer field who can give advice, and that gaps on CVs look bad. He has no motivation though. He won't even do any work experience/internship.

Awful and twisted as it is Fluffy, perhaps you and your achievements remind your parents of everything your brother is not and they find this difficult to handle.

Whether they admit it or not, they must worry about what's going to become of someone as unproductive and unmotivated as him once they're gone or no longer able to bankroll him.

thanks

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