To think there is somthing off about this, but just not quite sure what

(92 Posts)
ElectronEagle Tue 17-Jun-14 05:30:08

Friend A is self employed - she does admin and some bookkeeping. She has been working part time for Friend Bs older brother on his reception for £15 per hour. She runs a limited company and invoices him though there. All fine.

She has now said that he has offered her the role of running his office / his accounts and liaising with his external accountant, and is going to be paying her £50k per year. This will be plus VAT as she will continue to invoice him through her company (as well as do work for other clients)

For background. We have been friends since we were 4. We are in our earlier 30s, brother is 23 years older, and when we were younger (13) the brother was involved with A. There was a massive kerfuffle about it at the time, and he moved away from the area. He moved back about 5 years ago.

Both B & I have said to A that it seems a little odd (B & her brother are NC), but she has accused us of being jealous (we are also accountants).

It just seems like a lot to pay an essentially unqualified person to turn up for about 20 hours per week (although she will be available the other days - just working from home) and I cant quite work out why it bugs me.

So I said id put it to the MN jury and see whether its just me and B BU because of what has gone on before, and whether we should "get over it and be happy that she is doing so well"

AIBU?

caramelwaffle Tue 17-Jun-14 05:36:33

My first thought is that they may be back together and as he is now employing a "spouse"/partner he has bumped up the pay so they both benefit...

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 05:37:33

When you and your friend were both 13 years old, she was 'involved' (romantically? sexually?) with a man who was 39 at the time??

Please tell me I have misunderstood.

Do you mean that a number of years ago a 13 yo was sexually abused by a 36 yo? Now, 20 years later, he is paying the person he sexually abused to work for him?

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 05:40:24

sorry yes 36 years old at the time...

Not that the difference of three years makes any difference to how wrong it was.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 05:43:01

It also jumps out that 50k plus VAT is a huge amout for an office manager not to mention a vertiginous payrise from £15ph.

'Something off but i'm not sure what' seems an impressive level of understatement OP. Are you ok?

caramelwaffle Tue 17-Jun-14 05:43:30

Goodness. I read it as 13 years ago. You're quite correct. A 13 year old and 36 year old...

ElectronEagle Tue 17-Jun-14 05:49:01

I did also wonder if they were back together, but he is married (and not to A)

Yes she was 13, and he was 35 at the time. She was madly in love with him, and as far as I am aware from As stories at the time, there was heavy petting, but not full intercourse. They were caught in bed together, hence the giant kerfuffle of insanity at the time. It was pretty shit.

A reckons that it works out at £25 per hour for full time which is what she will be available for, which yes isn't all that horrendous, but I know it just makes me feel uncomfortable. B is fuming.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 05:49:51

Well on those bare facts, it sounds like hush money.

YANBU.

You need to majorly fix your assessment of what makes you uncomfortable. She wasn't in love, she was groomed and sexually abused.

ElectronEagle Tue 17-Jun-14 05:53:38

Not that being married doesn't mean they aren't doing something together I suppose.

It all seemed very much like star crossed lovers when we were younger and really unfair when he left, and A wasn't allowed to see him, but as I have got older and had kids of my own (mine are boys mind you) it horrifies me.

lettertoherms Tue 17-Jun-14 05:53:49

I can't believe she would work for the man who abused her. Unless she's still his victim, under a different kind of control.

sad

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 05:55:17

X posted. The fact that she may not seem traumatised or that it might look like she is the one capitalising, doesn't mean that happened when she was 13 was any more of a relationship. It was abuse. I'm sure he is perfectly well aware of that.

sad

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 05:59:52

£50kpa plus VAT is more or less double £15 ph. Why would he do that?

ElectronEagle Tue 17-Jun-14 06:00:40

Not wanting to dripfeed, but shes had a shitty 3/4 years. She split were her partner (although im now wondering if this is something to do with Bs brother returning) her daughter lives mostly with her ex, shes had depression and lost her job. She did really seem to be turning her life around though - set up her company, getting clients, moving into her own place, and seeing some of the old A, but again see I now wonder if this is linked to him. Shes always treated him as the love that got away, no one has ever matched up to him and his wonderfulness.

I sort of get it - many of us had a crush on him at the time, and I will admit it, were jealous that she was singled out for the "special" attention. I am sure I am not jealous now mind, but I don't know how to get A to see it.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 06:05:02

It is apparently not unusual for victims of grooming to experience the abuse as sexual empowerment.

Maybe the conditioning still holds sway and she is reverting to something that made her feel good, however perversely. OR exercising the(financial, personal) power she has by virtue of her knowledge of his crime OR both.

Grim sad

ElectronEagle Tue 17-Jun-14 06:05:47

Fid I don't know. As story is that shes done wonders organising the reception / office. She done a SAGE bookkeeping course anyway as she wanted to move more into that and thus be able to charge more, and from a conversation with this hes offered her the managers role.

Hes apparently looking to take more of a backseat, and is wishing to retire in a couple of years, and says he doesn't feel comfortable leaving it in anyone elses hands

The salary is for 40 hours at £25 per hour 50 weeks of the year. A will invoice him weekly for the actual hours done, but not exceeding the 40, so if she doesn't more tough, but if she does less shell bill for that.

She will be on site 2/3 days per week, but available to him "at anytime" yuck

The more I think about it, and type it out, the more creeped out I feel.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 06:11:14

Yes. Creepy. and the VAT bit makes no sense

Not much you can do but distance yourself though, by the sounds of it.

matildasquared Tue 17-Jun-14 06:12:28

When she first started working for the person who sexually abused her as a child, why did no one come forward to help her?

Seriously, everyone just sat around and said, "Oh look, the pedo who victimised her is back in town--and he gave her a job, how nice!"

Is there no one in that whole town who gives a fuck about her?

And now it's turned into a creepy exploitative situation. Big surprise there.

matildasquared Tue 17-Jun-14 06:15:17

No, I don't think you should "distance yourself." You should talk to her about the fact that this guy is a pedo who exploited her and so you don't think that working for him will be good for her.

I know you were a kid too when it all went down but the abuse only went on for as long as it did because all the other adults in her life "distanced themselves."

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 06:19:18

No, I don't think you should "distance yourself." You should talk to her about the fact that this guy is a pedo who exploited her and so you don't think that working for him will be good for her.

What when OP has tried to raise the oddness of the situation and friend/victim is ranting about jealousy?

She doesn't sound receptive. It will probably need to come from elsewhere if she will listen at all. She doesn't sound anywhere near ready TBH.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 06:21:10

I'm a bit more worried that the OP is going to be upset by being obliged to observe this unfold at close quarters, just as she did the original abuse 20 years ago.

matildasquared Tue 17-Jun-14 06:21:36

Well, no, she's mentioned the weird pay arrangement. I don't see that anyone's come right out and said, "He victimised you as a child. This is not a good work situation."

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