To just want him to find a job?

(69 Posts)
DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 04:33:21

DP hasn't been working now for 4 years.
He has made no effort to get a job in the 4 years that have passed, and I have been going from job to job, my most recent of which I had to leave due to ill health and claimed ESA.
We are struggling so much financially now that I am not working, and all he can be bothered doing is going on his play station all afternoon.

But my biggest gripe is that he makes ZERO effort to find a job. We don't have Microsoft Word so it would mean going to the library to do his CV and in his words "he doesn't know what he is doing". I've told him that there must be someone, somewhere that help with these sorts of things. A free IT course or something, but it falls on deaf ears.

It has come to the point where I have had enough. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a while now, and I am pregnant with DC3 (unplanned) which has thrown me a thousand steps back from recovering from my depression.

My children have never known their dad go out to work. All they see is someone slobbing about doing absolutely nothing. Nothing even around the house apart from wash a few pots and he thinks he's helped out.

I'm such a mess sad sad

PrincessBabyCat Sun 22-Jun-14 05:59:33

Google Docs.

Get a gmail account and just write your CV in the free word program that comes with the email. It works just like word, and it's free.

Getafuckingjob Sun 22-Jun-14 05:38:45

I am in the same position Drained except no DC.
My DH has not worked properly since Feb 2011. It's so frustrating, I carry all the worry about how we will manage month to month and we have zero quality of life.

He does look but it is work in quite a niche market and jobs in that area are scarce. He will not consider doing anything else. We are not in UK so not entitled to any benefits so we struggle on one salary and a small pension from his previous job (taken early).

Just recently I lost my job so things are even worse. He has the cheek to nag ME about what jobs I have applied for. He thinks it is easier for me because I have office skills. I've had 4 interviews in 3 weeks. More than he has had in 3 years.

One of us will probably end up going back to UK temporarily to find work. Most likely me as he looks at UK jobs but doesn't actually do anything about them.

Humansatnav Wed 18-Jun-14 06:43:41

Yrs National Careers Service is free, but at 30 he is a cocklodger.
Je is unlikely to change so you may have some tough decisions ahead.

glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 20:50:13

The expectations of a dad and man have changed. ...

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 17-Jun-14 20:46:48

He can be proud when he's self sufficient and supporting his family.

glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 13:17:20

the red cross type chuggers are always recruiting and if he is good looking he will do well!

I agree that OP's husband needs to take steps to address the situation but surely that is a bridge too far for anyone??

Sense of humour bypass - but surely he cant turn down work!

glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 13:16:22
lowcarbforthewin Tue 17-Jun-14 13:15:14

I really feel for you, it must be a very frightening situation. I think depression is a downward spiral and it might be that he's just too overwhelmed to get help or to start sorting this in any way.
I think I would be packing my bags, I'm not sure there's any way to get through to him other than giving him a big shock. Are his parents supportive, do they know how he lives?

It can be really hard to get help for depression, to put your hands up and say 'I've fucked up, I've been out of work 4 years and don't have references' but there is still a way out of this with volunteering, courses etc. I'm just not sure how you can make him engage other than leaving.

the red cross type chuggers are always recruiting and if he is good looking he will do well!

I agree that OP's husband needs to take steps to address the situation but surely that is a bridge too far for anyone?? confused

Personally I think I'd rather pole dance or man a phone sex line. Don't know if there's a call for the male equivalent?

glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 12:34:39

google

"gumtree jobs yourtown"

the red cross type chuggers are always recruiting and if he is good looking he will do well!

As for CV - employers only have to confirm dates - many refuse to do anything more than that!

He will have some explaining as to why he has not had one single job in 4 years!

glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 12:30:42

Good looking is not a redeeming feature - thats lucky.

A redeeming feature is hard working, caring, thoughtful

He will find it hard to get a job - however, he could get a start in the next month with G4S - Rocksteady - stewarding at concerts and football matches.

No experience or SIA badge nexessary -

theywillgrowup Tue 17-Jun-14 12:00:00

so all in all hes a lazy sod who sits at home all day and has no intention of looking for a job let alone working

the job centre will help with his CV as will national careers

this man will not change,his last job 4yrs ago ended badly,dosent look to good for the future

and hes not to proud to ask for help,he just dosent want to do anything about it

op get rid,you will be so much better of in many ways

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Tue 17-Jun-14 11:11:07

So he is just an absolute, 100% leech.

Does nothing.

Contributes nothing.

Is no different, no different, to a teenager at home with his parents - plays games, eats the food, drinks the drink, makes no contribution.

What you need to realise here is that this guy is a loser. He is the way he is because he likes it and thinks it's fine. You would like a role model - he sees no advantage, nothing good, in being one. He does not feel that it is important or desirable to work, make effort, bring up his children in any way at all.

Your children will definitely suffer from seeing this guy take the 'role' of father.

You would be absolutely better off in every way just to leave him:

- you would be able to create a more positive, can-do atmosphere without the other adult living in the house being 'anti' this in every way;
- you would have more money to get you started off on this more positive path - e.g. eligible for more help that you could put towards childcare etc. to get you back into work;
- you would not be supporting another able-bodied adult to play games all day and eat your food.

Please look into splitting up. It may shock him into growing up. But it's unlikely.

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 11:08:43

Absolutely free. He can get a lot of information from the site, build a CV on itand get three appointments with his nearest adviser. There's information on volunteering and links to useful websites too. In fact if you're in Leeds or Hull if you pm me I'll do his appointments myself!

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 11:08:00

And his looks are the only redeeming feature you can think of? That's no decent relationship so I would be thinking about clarifying it directly if I were you. (Sorry, but I don't think getting him to do a CV etc will achieve anything even if you feel you need to try it.)

The prospect will seem hard at the moment - arranging childcare etc if you're given custody of the DCs - but it would actually be a lot better for you. The money won't be as dire as you think and there's a tremendous freedom in having non-personal relationships for things like childcare and handywork. (You give them money and they do the job for you - that's it: no tears, no angst, no emotional obligations.) There are plenty of people on MN who have done it and it's not something to feel quite as anxious about as you might be at the moment.

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 17-Jun-14 11:07:05

Set a deadline for him to find work. Is he not getting hassle from the job centre? Doesn't he have to prove that he is trying to find work?

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 11:05:06

I'm going to tell him about the National Careers Service and tell him to get on with it. Is it free to use?

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 11:00:44

Put expectations in place.

If he doesn't respond get rid of the leeching idle bastard.

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 17-Jun-14 10:59:54

He isn't going to change is he. He is dragging you down with him. To be honest L would end the relationship, or you will be in the same situation for the rest of your life.

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 10:57:53

Redeeming features. He's good looking i suppose, but I want so much more than that. I want us to have a normal life because this isn't normal.

DCs are 3 and 1, both boys. I want their dad to be a role model to them but he just isn't. It's so sad sad

CheeryName Tue 17-Jun-14 10:57:16

Your life doesn't have to be like this. Get rid of him. He is dragging you down. Your depression will improve and your life will be better and your children's lives will be better. I know it's easier said than done, it will be hard at first but a massive improvement in the medium and long term.

SugarMouse1 Tue 17-Jun-14 10:51:43

Will you be much better off if he does get another job, anyway?

how is he with the kids?

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 10:51:25

Sorry - book an appointment with a National Careers Service adviser...

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 10:50:17

I can't see what he adds to your life at all.
I'd be telling him to find his nearest National Careers Service adviser, book ana and get the following lined up:
Help with cv
IT course
Literacy and numeracy course if he doesn't have those qualifications
Volunteering opportunity

If those aren't in place within a month I'd be telling him to prepare for life on his own on jsa where he'll be mandated to do those things.

BMW6 Tue 17-Jun-14 09:56:39

Depressed my arse. Cocklodger more like.

I suggest you kick him out for the sake of you and your DC's. And you never know it might shake him out of his "depression", the poor thing. angry

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