To ignore my GP and TTC

[NeroliNeroliLifeIsBut]

Hope someone can offer an opinion, really don't know what to do. By the way I've had to name change as its sensitive.

I was diagnosed with depression after losing my fit healthy mother suddenly on Xmas eve. However I was never convinced of the diagnosis, just feel the loss hit me very badly and I struggled to pick myself up. I stopped working and wasn't able to continue. I cried for hours most days, couldn't go outside, went to a&e with panic attacks. Never suicidal but told GP I wished I could just drop dead, which I think was a concern for him.

Now i am ok ish. I am applying for voluntary work, eating again (went from size 14 to a 8 but not in a good way) and feel content for a little while each day, but yes still horribly sad at times. Still wonder what the point of life is (as in wtf does any of it mean!) but just trying to focus on DP and my dad.

The issue is this: I was prescribed citalopram three months ago at a reasonable dose. It took the edge off my grief, possibly (I really don't know how much was placebo effect).

Last month I cut down to the lowest dose, and now I don't even take it daily. Dr doesn't know this and I suspect would not be happy, as he wanted me on it for longer. I feel the same, maybe a bit better. I think that is just time doing its work with the grief. And some good talking therapy.

I cut down as I am 37 and want to try for my first baby with DP. I don't feel time is really on our side and it may take a while as I have pcos and we had been trying for quite a few months before mum died, with no success. Ideally I'd quit ad's properly soon and then start ttc ASAP. I think if I can't conceive, having left it too late, then I will be in an even worse mental state. GP is all 'we need to get YOU sorted first' but don't think he understands this. I asked to see his female colleague to discuss this a while ago, but she agreed with him

I know no one can advise over the Internet, but how does this sound to you? I am worried my dr will be annoyed as he said I should be on citalo for at least 9 months. That would mean waitindb another 6 months :(

Note - I can't take the ads AND TTC as it would make me too anxious, even though I know it is possible and many have done it

[PrincessBabyCat]

I was on meds when I conceived DD (on accident) and she turned out just fine. I had to ween off them as soon as they found out I was pregnant though.

That said, babies don't follow logic. Logically, yes you should wait until you're in the best mental state you can be in so you can be the best mother. But your biological clock isn't ever going to follow logic.

If everyone waited until the perfect time to have a baby, very few of us would be having babies. :)

[monkeymamma]

I don't feel qualified to give advice but am sure someone will come along soon who will have more experience. I just wanted to offer virtual hugs and say I'm so sorry for your loss.
Regardless of what you decide re ttc, have you had any counselling or joined any support groups? Hope you will look after yourself and surround yourself with good people whatever you decide to do next.x

[3cupsoftea]

I'd say it's up to you.
If I've read it right, you are only a few months into treatment which means that they'd only just be reaching full benefit. Bit you are t taking them regularly anyway so there's not much point in taking them at all.
You would be far better off, I think, with some grief counselling. Becoming pregnant is inevitably going to bring up some very difficult emotions. Having someone that you already feel comfortable with would prob help immensely.
Good luck

[DoJo]

I would go back to the GP and just tell them that you want to come of the ADs and ask for their advice on the best way to go about it. They can't MAKE you take them, so if you tell them what you've been doing, make it clear that you want to stop taking them and ask for help then at least they might be able to help you work out an action plan both for coming off the drugs and for what to do in case you feel you need extra support.

[NoodleOodle]

I would feel the same as you, biological clock it ticking, and when's it ever the 'right' time for anyone?

You should speak to your Dr though. They can't force you to continue with the ADs but they can help you wean off them safely so you don't crash if you tell them you're determined not to take them and to TTC.

[rinabean]

If your anxiety is so much that it lands you in A&E and you're very convinced that what's safe for other pregnancies isn't safe for you, you do have a problem, it's not just the grief. But you can do what's best for you and have a baby too.

Also, I don't want to bring bad luck, but what if you got pregnant and something happened? Do you think that would be too much for you this close to your mother's death? And, even desperately wanted pregnancies and babies can be very hard emotionally. You need to take it all into account alongside your age.

[OMGtwins]

my missus was on it, and still is, and is breastfeeding. no issues with our babbers at all with her on it. Drs said to us that all meds are automatically "don't get upduffed or breastfeed whilst on it" because you can't test meds on pregnant ladies and small babies obv. however, they have done tests on the amount that leeches into breastmilk and it's absolutely negligible (less than half a % of the dose).

also I had a friend who ttc whilst not on meds and ttc whilst on meds and she found it far easier to cope with pregnancy and early weeks with it than without it. her second child is more placid too, but correlation does not equal causation.

also, you're not supposed to stop citalopram dead because of side effects, more like taper it down gradually (you prob know this, and sounds like what you are doing).

not sure that helps you all that much as you want to come off it before ttc, but wanted to attempt reassurance and wish you well xx

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Could you go back to your GP, be honest about the ADs and how you are taking them, tell him that you ARE going to TTC and how can you work out how best to do that safely? Your GP is working form different information than the truth. That is worrying.

[rinabean]

Btw don't worry too much about coming off the citalopram, I stopped it very suddenly, from a high dose (by mistake) and I was okay. If you've put yourself on a very low dose you'll be absolutely fine. BUT doctors don't like you doing this, obviously. Just don't fret about your health, that's all.

[whatever5]

It's your decision not your GP's. I would discuss it with someone other than your GP before you make the decision though e.g. Cruse Bereavement Care www.cruse.org.uk/

[givehimaninch]

Don't wait to ttc if you don't want to. I was advised to for another reason, and wish I hadn't! I was lucky and managed to have a baby in the end, but it was very touch and go. Like you, I would have been devastated to have missed out on having a child.
There are successful alternatives to ADs to help with grief / depression if you decide you want to come off them - therapy, with things like yoga, acupuncture etc for extra support and destressing.
Maybe read the research on possibilities for ttc on ADs - I think some are considered better than others. I would have felt the same about not taking them when pregnant, but it would be good to know your options.
But IMO it is worth taking the advice of people who know you well about how you are doing as it is important not to put yourself at risk (DP may be more help here than GP, who presumably knows you less well)

[onceipopicantstop]

Hi sorry you have been feeling unwell. Obviously it is your decision whether to become pregnant and I completely understand what you mean about your biological clock. My concern would be whether being pregnant might make you more unwell? The hormones can affect your mental health. I say this as someone who has been in a similar situation. I developed ocd not long after getting married at 36. My GP suggested that getting pregnant may not be wise until my symptoms were better controlled, but I was determined to have a baby. I became pregnant very quickly but my mental health deteriorated and it was a difficult time. Fortunately ds was healthy. 4 years later my symptoms were more under control, I came off medication and seemed ok, so got pregnant again. Things gradually deteriorated and the last trimester was pretty awful. I worried constantly (and still do) about whether my anxiety attacks were harming the baby. I don't regret having ds2 for a minute, he's beautiful, but it was a very stressful time for me and the rest of the family who were trying to help me.

Sorry if this sounds negative, am just seeing it from a different perspective. Is it worth considering coming off the meds and waiting a few months to see how you are before ttc?

[NeroliNeroliLifeIsBut]

Thank you, I am pleased at least that people think I am reasonable to be concerned about ttc sooner rather than later

I know my reaction to grief has been a lot worse than 'normal', but I genuinely feel I am moving forward. GP has said that getting pregnant might make me feel sadder, and having a baby might make me miss my mum more - yes all this is true, but I think this will be the case if I got pregnant now or in two years.

[hackmum]

You know your own mind better than your GP does. Do what is right for you. Grief is a perfectly normal reaction to a major bereavement and personally I don't think you should treat it as a medical condition.

Also, I'm not hugely convinced by the idea that "we should sort you out first". You don't just "sort out" someone who's bereaved. The grieving process doesn't work like that.

[iamsoannoyed]

I am a Dr (obstetrician)

If you aren't taking your medications as prescribed, you should see your GP and tell them- then they can wean you off your medications safely and properly. Taking them some days and not others is not sensible. Please get advice on how to step-down appropriately.

Your Dr cannot make you take medication, they can only advise you based on your medical history and their assessment of your current mental state. It's up to you to decide whether you take that advice, ignore it or get a 2nd opinion.

As regards TTC, I'd say tread carefully although I completely understand that you don't want to leave it too late (and PCOS adds another dimension to this). I guess there's never a "perfect" time to have a baby- but there are times when it just isn't a good idea. In my opinion having depression, or just recovering from depression and still in a vulnerable place, is probably one of those times where you need to take some time to get yourself more stable.

If you are in a fragile mental state- and I genuinely don't know if you are or not as I'm not your Dr and I haven't examined you myself- then I'd advise give yourself a bit more time to get completely well.

It needn't be years- give yourself another few months and then re-assess. It sounds like you're getting there, but just need a little more time. If you are well, it is more likely you'll cope with whatever a pregnancy and a new baby throw at you.

[NeroliNeroliLifeIsBut]

onceipop yes it may be wise to at least wait until I am ad free and see what happens to my mood then, that might be a good compromise to suggest with dr. I guess I can always return to the ad's if I'm not coping and maybe consider ttc on them if that is the case

However I am basically off them (10mg every other day which I don't think is even a therapeutic amount) and don't feel any different.

[NeroliNeroliLifeIsBut]

annoyed thanks, appreciate a medical POV

[captainproton]

I had depression, came off medication in 2007 and conceived in 2011. Because of my previous diagnosis I had extra consultant care.

Having a baby is very stressful, what is your support network. My mother died just before I conceived my first and there were times I felt I had it twice as hard than my new mum peers who had their mum's on hand to assist. Plus it reignited some of the feelings I had from when she passed away.

With my last pregnancy I felt utterly miserable, it was one health problem after another and the never ending appointments, observations, tests etc got me down.

I think you should follow your doctor's advice or at least work out a way to ttc with them in the loop.

[parentalunit]

This is just a suggestion...have you tried exercising (with sweating, so walking doesn't count unless it's very vigorous for 45 mins+), and eating healthily (lots of veg, normal protein/carbs, a little fruit, no caffeine/crap)? Sounds boring but it really helps to fight off depression.

The weight loss may be good news for you (since you have PCOS and are trying to conceive), so try to keep it off.

Good luck and hope you feel better soon.

[NoisyToyHell]

Being pregnant might make you sadder because your hormones could go haywite. You could be at significant risk of PND.

It is not just baby blues and you should be very cautious.

[Imsuchamess]

I think in your shoes I would go for it. Good luck.

[MorrisZapp]

Please think very hard before ttc. I had awful PND, and I had no prior anxiety or depression. The anxiety after ds was born was so crippling I couldn't look after him.

I'm worried that you think ttc and having a baby will make you happy? They might well do but there's a significant risk they will affect your mental health severely. Please don't take risks with your mental health.

[bronya]

I have seen the affects on children, of mothers with uncontrolled depression. If yours is a reaction to grief alone, and you've never had it before, then I'd give things a little more time, until you feel you miss her but day to day life is ok. Wait until you can feel excited about TTC. That should only be a few more months. Pregnancy is full of anxiety. You have the first initial 'Woohoo, I've conceived!' then that's followed by months of, "Is my baby ok? What will this scan/blood test/urine sample show? Is he/she growing ok?" etc etc. You need to be on an even keel before you go through that!

[bronya]

• effects

[NeroliNeroliLifeIsBut]

Thank you, lots to think about
I have decided to speak to my dr about phasing off the ads completely starting as soon as I see him, with a view to ttc in September, if feeling ok. How does that sound? He is not going to be that keen but I think I have to take control of this myself

I understand completely that a baby will not make me happy and take all my pain away, I am prepared for it to make me miss my mum more, but the sadness of not being able to have a baby, if I wait too long, will last my whole life