I'm not am I? Please tell me in not and help me grow a backbone

(54 Posts)
Hurr1cane Mon 16-Jun-14 10:25:17

Some of you might have seen me post about this before my name change.

I have a severely autistic little boy who also has an array of health problems and other disabilities.

Anyway the man who lives next door, he's 93, this is relevant to the post as he hasn't always been this horrible so I'm thinking it may be related to a condition, which makes me feel worse.

Anyway he is really horrible, he bangs on the wall if I hang a photo up at 12 in the afternoon (so the hammering may have been 30 seconds on my part, lasted 30 minutes on his) he leans over the fence threatening to hit my little boy and any of his friends that I look after if any of them is having a crises. My child and his friends are by far the quietest on my street, I think he does this because he thinks he can smack the disability out of them hmm

Had him intercepting me when I was trying to leave my house every day for a year over the fence, a panel blew down, I wanted to replace the panel, he wanted the entire fence replacing so I bought the panel, he wouldn't let me put it in, eventually his son came round and put it in and all that stopped.

He has threatened to take me to court because he found a spoon in his garden and thought my son had put it there (it wasn't my spoon)

He leans over the fence and shouts at me for pulling my weeds out the wrong way and says that it'll affect his garden. (I'm not sure the right way of pulling weeds but never mind)

He has leant over the fence and shouted at and tried to hit my son when he was playing on his swing, scaring him to death and causing a seizure.

This is to name a few things.

Anyway I spoke to a friend about it who said to write down all the things he does from now on, with dates, and if he starts harassing me again to just tell him I've taken legal advice and to put anything he wants to say in writing.

Anyway, all was quiet for a time (I have been avoiding the garden though and running to my car) until today when I had to go out to mow the lawn and do some weeding.

He leant over the fence and said "hurricane, a minute" I hate confrontation and just said "I can't" he then said "just a minute" I said "I can't Sam I'm not allowed, just put it in writing" (not at all what I was told to say really but u felt really sorry for him and just wanted him to stop without confrontation)

He then said "two panels need replacing" (I've had a look and they're all fine) so I just said "look I can't talk to you, I'm not allowed, please just put it in writing if it's urgent"
He then laughed and started muttering to himself but walked inside.

It's going to start all over again isn't it? He doesn't take me seriously because I'm a young girl on my own. He's said as much in the past. But I feel really nasty ignoring him like that.

But on the other hand I know I have a duty of care to my little boy and I need to keep him safe.

Please tell me I'm haven't just been a massive bitch to someone with problems of his own hmm

Peekingduck Mon 16-Jun-14 10:29:44

Call 101 and speak to the police.

Hurr1cane Mon 16-Jun-14 10:31:04

What would I even say though? Hasn't that time well passed with me not doing it when the threats happened, I was more focused on helping the children than bothering with him then.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 16-Jun-14 10:34:14

Agree with your friend keep a record of everything and if something happens report at that time. He sounds horrible. I think the 'I'm not allowed to' bit worked as it implies that you've spoken to someone maybe legal/police.

FatalCabbage Mon 16-Jun-14 10:36:46

There's an elderly man in our village acting irrationally. I emailed our PCSO (googled for details) and he has replied saying he knows him and will speak to his family about ensuring adequate care and support is in place.

You are not overreacting; 101 is appropriate, particularly if he's frightening you and threatening the children. You aren't dictating how the behaviour is dealt with (which might be with better care, change in medication, etc rather than "punishment" interventions), just lodging your objection to the behaviour itself.

HenI5 Mon 16-Jun-14 10:38:10

Do you have any contact details for his son?

Hurr1cane Mon 16-Jun-14 10:39:04

I hope so hmm he has stopped being horrible to the people who live at the other side of him after the man who lives there basically lost his temper and really shouted at him (he was telling him not to lean on the fence or it would all break, but I think it was a last straw kind of situation)

I really don't want to scare him or make his life hard, but there really is nothing wrong with the fence panels and if he just wants new ones he knows he's quite welcome to go and buy them himself and I won't complain. It just feels like another reason for him to start at me

technosausage Mon 16-Jun-14 10:39:42

How horrible for you, call 101 and have a chat to them. Hope that you can work something out.

Hurr1cane Mon 16-Jun-14 10:40:32

I don't have his sons details, he loves quite close by and has a very distinctive car and I keep trying to catch him as he's leaving but keep just missing him.

He does sound as though he has problems, and I'm sorry that these things are having such a bad effect on you.

You mentioned that his son had intervened before about the fence. Are you able to contact/speak to him to tell him your concerns and/or issues?

Alternatively, I'd try 101, get the police around and fill them in with the whole story.

beccajoh Mon 16-Jun-14 10:42:11

Being old is no reason for being abusive and scaring you. What would you do if he was 30 years younger? Would you still excuse the behaviour or would you seek help?

APlaceInTheWinter Mon 16-Jun-14 10:42:40

Speak to your community police officer. They'll be able to offer advice and keep an eye on the situation.

If there are any incidents in the future, call the community police. They are adept at dealing with situations like this and I've found them very good at judging the appropriate level of response iyswim. A log is a good idea but the police need to have a record of it too.

gamerchick Mon 16-Jun-14 10:43:09

Keep a log carry on with your life, use your garden and don't run to the car and ring the police when he starts again. There are a few incidents in your post that were police worthy imo. Bullys can be all ages, treat him as one.

Hurr1cane Mon 16-Jun-14 10:43:31

If he was 30 years younger I would have called the police and my boyfriend.

Thank you at least I know I'm not being a horrible bitch. I'll see if that worked and if it didn't I will call the police smile

beccajoh Mon 16-Jun-14 10:43:39

Although it might be related to issues that happen to elderly people. Even so, you shouldn't be scared of being outside like that.

marne2 Mon 16-Jun-14 10:45:35

If he is threatening your son or has laid a finger on him then I would report him. Does sound like he may have some kind of condition which has made him lose his marbles slightly ( sadly this happens as you get older ), he has no right to threaten you or your son, tell him 'if he has a problem then call the police ', he will probably get in trouble for wasting their time. We are really lucky with out neighbours, although they have made a few complaints about us in the last , they never complain about our 2 autistic dd's making a noise or dd2 running around the garden half names whilst playing musical instruments grin.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 16-Jun-14 10:46:27

as well as the police perhaps you can contact adult social services.

Hurr1cane Mon 16-Jun-14 10:47:01

He might have hmm I don't know. I know he has a lot of physical problems, arthritis and has had a heart attack. But the other elderly man down the road (who nicked my cat) is really lovely and he has all these problems as well (bar the cat nicking he's lovely wink)

Flexibilityiskey Mon 16-Jun-14 10:48:29

I would call 101 too. The police may already have knowledge of him if he is vulnerable. If he is behaving like this because he is unwell in some way he may need more help. The police can refer to other agencies if they think it is necessary. Alternatively, if he is just a nasty man, they can deal with him for harassment, if its been within the last 6 months?

sleeplessbunny Mon 16-Jun-14 10:50:44

This is quite clearly harassment. While he may have problems, they are not for you to fix, you need to protect yourself and your son from his behaviour particularly if it is threatening. You really should call 101 and explain, if he needs more support then I would hope the PCSO would help him to access it. You are doing the right thing by writing everything down.

I wouldn't give the fence a second thought, it sounds like he is just looking for anything to bug you about. If it wasn't the fence he'd find something else.

Hurr1cane Mon 16-Jun-14 10:51:12

It's been happening for about 2 years now. I don't want to get anyone into trouble I just want to be left alone. But you're all right. I will call the police if it happens again

Mrsjayy Mon 16-Jun-14 11:01:02

Just be cause he is in his 90s doesnt give him a free pass to scare or intimidate you do call the police is it his own house our housing association if its the latter calll them too, if the old man has dementia he needs looking after so he isnt scaring people

Hurr1cane Mon 16-Jun-14 11:02:20

I don't know if he actually managed to touch him when he swung his arm over the fence to hit him. I saw that happening (I was sat watching him) and just ran to him, I don't know if he managed to get him or he missed. DS isn't able to tell me unfortunately, I asked what the man had said and DS said 'yeah' which is his answer to most questions. I asked if he'd hurt him and he said 'yeah' I asked where and he said 'leg' but he always says leg when something hurts, and he very rarely says no to questions anyway so I am none to wiser to that particular incident hmm

prisonerofallisurvey Mon 16-Jun-14 11:04:22

Do the police in your area hold a surgery type thing where you can go and discuss something like this? It is usually help by a PCSO and they can advise you.

Hurr1cane Mon 16-Jun-14 11:05:00

It's his house, most of the houses her are council but a few, including his, were bought back when all those offers were going on. I think his other son has just turned up to visit, or his grandson maybe, 2 people just turned up with a baby and walked in.

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