To think it's odd that we've never met DB's DP?

(17 Posts)
hollycomputer Sun 15-Jun-14 22:34:56

My first AIBU.

DB has been dating someone for more than two years and they're expecting a child together. None of my family have ever met her despite the fact she lives less than 10 miles away.

It's got to the point where it's actually awkward and DB refuses to even discuss it. He never sees us any more - I've not heard from him in months and even today on Father's Day, he spent the day with his DP rather than with his own father. We're all pretty laid back and we genuinely don't understand why she refuses to meet us. He has DC by a previous relationship and so does she.

She has friended us all on Facebook, though I've now defriended her because it all seemed rather weird and stalkery as she never contacted me and I rather felt (as do some of my family) that she was using FB to keep tabs on him. I don't really think this is normal but can anyone suggest any reasons for this behaviour? Or are we just BU?

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 15-Jun-14 22:44:21

Mmm that's strange, did someone in the family make fun of a previous girlfriend? Maybe an event in thefamily made him feel unwanted.i would confront him about it.

wowfudge Sun 15-Jun-14 22:44:48

If you were friends on FB did you never message her and invite her round if your DB was so useless at keeping in contact?

justkeeponsmiling Sun 15-Jun-14 22:49:59

This is really strange. I might be on completely the wrong track but could this be some sort of domestic abuse situation? If she tries to put tabs on him and stops/limits him spending time with family it would send alarm bells ringing tbh.
Do you and your DB have any mutual friends that have met her? Or could you approach one of his friends or workmates to find out if they have met her?

DoJo Sun 15-Jun-14 22:52:49

Do you know that she is refusing to meet you? Maybe the lack of meeting comes from your brother, particularly if he is refusing to discuss it and hasn't given any reasons. Are the two of you close? Could you ask him if there is anything you could do to make her feel more welcome? Have you invited them to yours, as opposed to a meeting at your parents with everyone there?

There are a number of reasons from crippling anxiety or anger over a perceived slight to an abusive controlling relationship (from either party involved) which makes contact with family limited. Unfortunately, all you can do is keep the lines of communication open and hope that things align someday to make it happen.

justkeeponsmiling Sun 15-Jun-14 23:00:06

This is really strange. I might be on completely the wrong track but could this be some sort of domestic abuse situation? If she tries to put tabs on him and stops/limits him spending time with family it would send alarm bells ringing tbh.
Do you and your DB have any mutual friends that have met her? Or could you approach one of his friends or workmates to find out if they have met her?

hollycomputer Sun 15-Jun-14 23:01:24

Oh yes, we've invited her over on numerous occasions but either had no response or been turned down.

From what I can gather, she has a big problem with his exw, who has caused a lot of problems re. access though I'm not sure what that has to do with DB's family. I've also heard that she's very possessive - he's not allowed to go out without her - so yes, I did wonder if there was an abusive situation.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease Mon 16-Jun-14 00:13:29

Can you go round and visit them for a cuppa?

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease Mon 16-Jun-14 00:13:43

I think it's odd too.

hollycomputer Mon 16-Jun-14 13:48:51

Oh good, I'm glad it's not just me. My mum has suggested that she could pop round but has been told 'no' by DB. It's got to the point now where he avoids even mentioning DP, presumably in case someone asks why we can't meet her.

There's some other stuff going on too though I hear it all third hand so it's hard to know how much of it is exaggerated or not. It's all stuff around jealousy and DP being controlling, some of it so fucking batshit crazy that it's hard to know what to believe - example, dumping DB over him watching some film which had a scene with a woman in a bikini in it. It all rather sounds to me as though she's isolating him but what do I know.

It's also hard to know what to do. DB categorically refuses to discuss it and gets very angry if it's brought up so we can't even try and talk sensibly to him.

GobbolinoCat Mon 16-Jun-14 13:52:21

yes odd but sometimes best

Appletini Tue 17-Jun-14 23:33:07

"I've also heard that she's very possessive - he's not allowed to go out without her - so yes, I did wonder if there was an abusive situation"

Newsflash: that IS an abusive situation.

PhaedraIsMyName Tue 17-Jun-14 23:49:02

It's odd.

Apart from his not spending Father's Day with his father. Which isn't odd at all. Even if I didn't think Father's/Mother's day weren't utter nonsense, as he is a father himself if he wanted to celebrate it, presumably he'd do so with his own children.

Iflyaway Wed 18-Jun-14 00:00:51

"he, s not allowed to go out without her"

This tells you all you need to know.

I know two lovely guys who were abused by their partners. It, s such a huge taboo.

It, s bad enough for us women who, ve been through it to admit it....

You sound like a lovely sister. I hope you and your family can get him to open up. If there, s a baby in the mix, you can, t give up...

hollycomputer Wed 18-Jun-14 11:48:45

Thank you all for your replies. I suppose I just didn't want to jump to conclusions, especially as I'm not even hearing this stuff first hand.

I didn't really explain properly - the Father's Day thing was really the latest in a long line of him refusing to attend any family get-togethers as he says he has to spend the time with DP.

Our parents are pretty much resigned to never meeting their latest DGC which is quite sad I think. It's also a shame for DB, bless him, he's a bit lame sometimes but he's such a kind and generous person and his EXW was a bullying nightmare too (whole other story!).

glasgowstevenagain Wed 18-Jun-14 12:21:11

He could leave her!

Sicaq Wed 18-Jun-14 12:37:10

Is it unusual for him? My family don't tend to introduce partners (never met my brother's, and they've been together years). If this is new, then agree it's a worrying sign.

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