ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

To allow my DIL to leave and take my grandchildren?.

(44 Posts)
1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:06:14

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1944girl Mon 16-Jun-14 22:29:10

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""Either prepare your son for a custody battle ""

There won't be a battle, the children are old enough to decide who they live with and there would be little the other could do about it.

I totally agree that in four years the father could of picked up some work, especially as they don't have rent etc to consider. They have been in an ideal situation to build up work/savings and got there own home.

It's telling that you call your son "my dear son" on your other thread, yet it seems that it is him that won't "live in a crapoy council house", or work.

You also accuse your DIL of "telling sob stories" to the NDN.

I think you need to take a step back from anything except continuing your relationship with your GC.

By the sounds of it life for your DIL hasn't been a bed of roses and it's come to a head, very telling that it's her who has had to flee.

1944girl Mon 16-Jun-14 12:40:37

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MexicanSpringtime Mon 16-Jun-14 03:21:03

Oh you have all my sympathy, OP.

But the fact that your grandchildren call round everyday must make it so much easier for you and speaks well of the home you have given them.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Mon 16-Jun-14 02:40:11

I am glad you have found some sort of solace, in your religion.

And I say that as a former CoS proddy, now atheist.

You are a good person, and a good mother, and you have done the best you could possibly do.

I wish you all the best.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 20:11:25

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Barefootgirl Sun 15-Jun-14 12:30:32

have you suggested to your son that he try looking for a job outside his field? Being a photographer is lovely, but if there is no money and he can't even afford to house his own family, he needs to sacrifice his art and get even a shoddy job so he can support his own kids. Whn he is earning some money he might have more self-esteem and lessa nger and things with him and his wife might improve.

Fairylea Sun 15-Jun-14 11:39:30

I think a lot of this must come from resentment that your ds hasn't worked for four years (I mean resentment from his partner about the situation - she has been working, and not to unkind but no one really wants to live with their in laws indefinitely). He can't just sit on the fact he was a photographer and wait for work to come in. What has he done to actively search for a job, any job? I think it's naive to wait for a photography job in this economic climate. Part time bar work even or care or cleaning work would be something. Anything.

You've been very kind in supporting everyone but you need to take a step back. Far back.

I'm in a similar living situation only it's my family we are staying with and my DP who has been unemployed for 4 years.

Believe me, there are a lot of issues and arguments that my family don't know about as I have managed to keep them hidden. Believe me when I tell you that I am full of resentment for DP not working and I feel the answer to all this lies in the DIL's mother's comment about how you should know what he did...

There is quite obviously so much more to this than either you know or is written.

paxtecum Sun 15-Jun-14 11:00:43

OP; You sound like a wonderful person.

I think your DS should just get a job, any job. A job that pays an amount of money each month. Being self employed can be a nightmare because of cashflow. Photography could be a sideline.

I think he has taken advantage of your kindness.
Does DIL work?

riskit4abiskit Sun 15-Jun-14 10:40:51

You sound lovely, very patient and caring.

could you offer a haven for the 17yo shes old enough to make her own choices?

I think you are a bit blinkered with regard to your son. I know it's hard but 4 years is a long time with all those dependents and no job. No adult should be sponging off the parents for such a long time. Emergency support of say six months is reasonable if you are so lucky as to have relatives with the money or room. It would be different if you were all living together in a mutually beneficial way.

Why are they splitting up?

I think you are right to block the mad granny she sounds like one of those drama llamas.when the dust settles she will dissappear from the scene!

You sound lovely to your dil too shes very lucky.

I think whatever you think you should just step back and offer a stable loving sanctuary for the kids where talk of mum or dad is off limits.

Best of luck

Spiritedwolf Sun 15-Jun-14 09:34:17

It doesn't sound like there is a lot you can do in this situation now.

Its clear that you didn't intend to chuck your DIL out onto the streets originally. It could be that her original plan of where to go when they calmly discussed her moving out didn't materialise, or the reality of the breakup of the relationship hit her after she left the house and that combined with DS shouting at her (which you were unaware of) led to her being distressed on the street and taken in by a neighbour. Its not your fault that the situation wasn't as you had originally assumed - that they had calmly decided to split and she had chosen to move out.

So I don't think you were wrong to allow her to leave (what was the alternative, keep her there after the decision was made?). It could be that DS made her feel that her leaving was the only option - which wasn't right of him, but isn't your fault either. And of course once she decided to have the children with her then you were right to let her take them.

It sounds like (from the information available) DIL's mum is revelling in the drama of the situation. In the past you've been supportive of DIL when she has not which may have made her feel inadequate to some extent, so she has leapt on the opportunity to blame you for the situation. In reality, you've done the best you can with the information available to you and have never meant DIL any harm.

It could be that your son has not treated her well and that she has been unhappy about living with DSD with all her associated issues. If so, its understandable that she'll be talking to her family about these grievances after the break up. Its her mum and rest of the family piling in and attacking you and her SD that is your problem.

I think that if you speak to DIL or send her a message then you could say that had you known that your DS had been horrible to her then you would have asked him to leave and allowed her and the children to stay (if that's true). That you are sorry that you didn't realise how upset she was and that she didn't have somewhere to stay. That you hope that she is settled into her new accommodation and you are happy to support her. Hopefully she knows you well enough that she will accept this as genuine.

That said, she's going through a relationship breakdown. She obviously has her own feelings about the relationship, living with extended family for so long and DSD's addiction problems. Its natural that she'll have her own perspective on these things and may not agree with you.

As for her mother and family taking 'her side' and making assumptions and making a huge drama of it. I think you just need to disengage with their sh*t stirring and ignore them trying to hurt you by suggesting that you deliberately threw her out. You know that isn't true, your real friends will listen to your side of the story, and you can't convince her family that you did your best - because they want to see you as the bad MIL. There's no reason for you to be responding to them at all. If they are harassing you or DGD then contact the police.

As for your son... its very possible that he has been in the wrong here. That's not your fault but I'd be reluctant to offer him support. WRT his job situation, does he still have some of his photographic equipment? He could presumably do some work outdoors (lifestyle photography, events, etc) without the overheads of a studio and/or rent some studio space when he needs it. In the meantime he could take photographs and try and sell them either for stock photography, or to magazines, the press, tourists etc. I'm not saying that he could definitely support himself straight away but he could start working to rebuild his career and becoming more financially independent and leaning on you less.

Taking a step back from their relationship problems, definitely from her family and reconsidering how much you support your son in future could be liberating for you. Its not your responsibility to fix this. The world will not end if your DIL or her family don't agree with you or can't see that you did your best.

Do see if there is any more support you can get for your DGD from outside agencies - charities if social services or the NHS won't help. It must feel a huge responsibility on you and your son to manage her going through something that really needs professional help. Have you looked at Talk to Frank ?

Tryharder Sun 15-Jun-14 08:14:44

I'm sorry you are going through this, OP. You sound very decent and I have seen you post on MN before.

Can you not close your FB account even temporarily. I find it deeply worrying that people over the age of about 25 live out their family scandals on FB. But that cannot be helped and you need to withdraw. If the FB abuse is slanderous, you might want to consider police action but I suspect that would only be pouring petrol on the flames.

Encourage your DS to handle the split graciously and generously and to pursue contact with his DCs through the courts if need be.

I suspect also that a lot of game playing is going on in order to convince the council that your DIL and DGCs are living in an abusive drug den and as such are in desperate need of council housing. You do indeed have to jump through hoops these days to gets council housing but there's nothing you can do about that.

I would document the date and time of any incident/abuse/contact and who witnessed it.

I would also contact a family solicitor and get half an hour of free legal advice on your own position.

HelenHen Sun 15-Jun-14 08:10:16

Like any mom shed be stupid not to take her kids. Unfortunately it's done now. Either prepare your son for a custody battle or be nice and supportive to dsil and she'll be nice and civil in return. Doesn't sound like she wants to stop contact. Ignore mil as difficult as it may be!

And good luck, I feel for you!

HelenHen Sun 15-Jun-14 08:06:03

Op you Sound wonderful. It's brilliant Everett you've done for your family and I hope you've been made to feel appreciated!

I'm so sorry about what is going on. In hindsight perhaps you could have involved the police and not let her take gc as theyd a stable home with you and your ds is certainly entitled to apply for custody. But l

WaitMonkey Sun 15-Jun-14 07:41:20

Tough situation, sounds like you are trying your hardest. thanks

holidaysarenice Sun 15-Jun-14 03:33:22

Apart from anything else of she is sending death threats to a child with mh issues the police need to be contacted. No Fb messages crap, just police with screenshots. Support your dgc.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sun 15-Jun-14 03:24:24

In her first post, Op referred to her dgc appearing with their nightclothes packed (not wearing them), that's probably where your idea came from. smile

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 15-Jun-14 03:20:57

Sorry OP where did I get nightclothes from? A sign that I should be asleep in MY night clothes I think!

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sun 15-Jun-14 02:22:32

I recognise Op's name, and also believe she's genuine.

I also think problems like this will increase in future, as "older people" have no option but to allow their adult dc to stay "at home" for much longer than my generation did (left home at 17 in 1979) and when those dc decide to pair up and have babies, what do the "older people", with their larger homes, mortgages paid off, do? Chuck their dc and dgc into the streets? Or try and make it work?

And if the dc's relationship breaks down, as is all too common and has happened here, what do those "older people" do; watch their dgc sofasurf with the parent who has left (could be either mum or dad) or try to keep some sort of consistency and continuity (schools, nearby friends etc) for the dgc in a time of turmoil?

The "bedroom tax" has a lot to answer for. angry

OP, I hope you're sleeping, or if still reading, at least feel a little calmer.

RhondaJean Sun 15-Jun-14 02:13:53

I completely believe you are genuine.

I think you have gone above and beyond what can be expected as well.

Fideliney Sun 15-Jun-14 02:12:37

I believe you're genuine 1944. I'm sure everyone does.

Maybe it is one of those situations where the dust needs to settle? It sounds as though it has all been extremely stressful.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 02:08:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sun 15-Jun-14 02:08:28

OK, I understand. You've bent over backwards for years (from your pov) and "things" have evolved, I totally understand that; my situ in no way comparable but I have a dil (and, frankly, ds, her dp) who took, and took, and took, until suddenly I wasn't needed any more, and we are now NC. She and ds moved out, eventually, and are still together, so again not the same, but by god you have my sympathy.

I'm not sure there's anything I can add to that, but I do feel for you. flowers

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 02:01:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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